What to do with middle aged husband who desperately wants another child?

[Anonymous]

My husband comes from a family of 4 kids. He always wanted a large family. Unfortunately I have health conditions that significantly decrease the likelihood of viable pregnancies, and I consider the two children we conceived naturally, before I was 30, quite miraculous. I do not want to be pregnant or do IVF or anything like that: I've had too many miscarriages and I don't want to go through all that physical and mental roller-coaster again.

I suggested we adopt, because I love children and would be happy raising another child. But he wants a biological child. He's super fit and thinks he'll live forever. We have plenty of money.

How do I get through to him that this period of his life is over?

[Anonymous]

Surrogate with his priceless sperm and donor egg?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Surrogate with his priceless sperm and donor egg?

Ha! I don't think he'd want that

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Surrogate with his priceless sperm and donor egg?

Ha! I don't think he'd want that :-)

Did you ask him or just assume? And why wouldn’t your eggs be viable?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Surrogate with his priceless sperm and donor egg?

Cheeky!

Is your issue mechanical, OP, and are your eggs viable?

Honestly, though, I wouldn’t want to have to go through the hassle of egg retrieval and everything involved in that. My friend did it and it was really a lot.

[Anonymous]

IDK if this is something that he would compromise on or not, but I know people whose marriages ended because they couldn't agree. All depends on how desperate one is to have a child, because there is a time limit on it as we have short lifespans and our health declines after a certain age.

[Anonymous]

There is nothing “to do.” He needs to accept that you are done having kids. There isn’t some magic alternative option here.

[Anonymous]

If he won't even consider alternatives (adoption, donor egg and surrogacy), then he's essentially saying that his desire for a biological child trumps your legit health concerns (not to mention the psychological tolls all the miscarriages have on you). This is a hard no for me.

FWIW, my DH also came from a large family and always wanted 4 kids. For various reasons we ended up with 2, and had to go through a lot to even conceive those 2. My health took a toll and I told DH in no uncertain terms that I was done having children. It was not ideal but he accepted it as he did not want to jeopardize my health or mess up a good thing we already have. Had he been pushy about it, I would seriously consider divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Surrogate with his priceless sperm and donor egg?

Cheeky!

Is your issue mechanical, OP, and are your eggs viable?

Honestly, though, I wouldn’t want to have to go through the hassle of egg retrieval and everything involved in that. My friend did it and it was really a lot.

OP here. We haven't talked about surrogacy. I guess *I* wouldn't be comfortable with it. My eggs have viability issues, so I would not be doing anything with them.

I thought maybe we could adopt from our native region, so at least the kid could vaguely look like us, and at first he was OK with that, but now apparently he thinks I should get pregnant. I totally get his desire for a child, but the pregnancy part is weird and off-putting, because I've suffered so many losses already. He doesn't seem to grasp that this is not a walk in the park for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is nothing “to do.” He needs to accept that you are done having kids. There isn’t some magic alternative option here.

He could choose to have kids with someone else. Not saying that OP should be coerced by this reason but it is a possibility.

[Anonymous]

When one person wants a kid and the other doesn’t there are three steps.

1) You each talk and communicate and really listen to one another. Then you spend sometime each really considering the other’s perspective and trying to see if you can accommodate that.

2) But when all that is done, if either one of you doesn’t want to have another child you don’t. Each of you ultimately has veto over having a child.

3) Then each of you also has the right to decide that the decision to not have a child is too important to them and therefore a deal breaker and leave the marriage/relationship. That would be a lousy decision with existing children, but ultimately their decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he won't even consider alternatives (adoption, donor egg and surrogacy), then he's essentially saying that his desire for a biological child trumps your legit health concerns (not to mention the psychological tolls all the miscarriages have on you). This is a hard no for me.

FWIW, my DH also came from a large family and always wanted 4 kids. For various reasons we ended up with 2, and had to go through a lot to even conceive those 2. My health took a toll and I told DH in no uncertain terms that I was done having children. It was not ideal but he accepted it as he did not want to jeopardize my health or mess up a good thing we already have. Had he been pushy about it, I would seriously consider divorce.

This. I'd be pretty damn pissed if my H felt this way.

I nearly died from our second kid and was told by my OB I should absolutely never get pregnant again. H comes from a big family (6 kids) and is 100% against me ever having more kids because of the risks.

I would sit your H down and explain to him in excruciating detail what IVF would entail for you, along with all the physical and emotional effects, and express deep concern that he is okay with you undergoing all of that. I'd probably also say that I need to know if his desire for more kids trumps his concern for my well-being, because I need to be prepared if he decides to bail to start family #2.

[Anonymous]

Find a concubine

[Anonymous]

I would have him do waaaaay more of the current parenting workload. Because that's what would happen if you had a baby.

[Anonymous]

Your husband is an assh*le. He cares more about creating another child than he does about your health and feelings or the two kids he already has. Marriage counseling stat.