Taking on too much responsibility in a relationship

[Anonymous]

Would you say something if you felt your DD carries most of the physical, logistical and emotional burden in a relationship as otherwise great partner is too busy with his job and inept due to his ADHD and social anxiety?

[Anonymous]

*both work full time and she is the major bread winner

[Anonymous]

What is your ‘saying something’ going to do?

[Anonymous]

I have 2 adult children and I do not offer my opinion without being asked. If you are concerned about this guy’s anxieties + ADHD, you ask your DD questions. For example, does she see herself marrying this guy, does she want children/house, and does she see herself being in charge for the long haul?

[Anonymous]

It depends what kind of relationship you have. First - remove the word "inept" from your brain. You CANNOT come close to shitting on her chosen partner and think the convo would go well. Her situation is extremely common, as you very well know. The imbalance of the mental load and women having careers at the same time is something we have discussed in my house forever , as I have 2 daughters and come from a long line of strong women (my grandmother worked ft, raised 5 kids back in the 50s - 80s, my mom was the breadwinner and had all of the mental load, I had a career equal to my dh's and also did the vast majority of kid/house stuff for a long time until we were almost at the divorce point). They watched me struggle and watched me & my dh repair it, so I would have no issue raising the concern that she is taking on too much IF SHE FEELS THAT IT'S TOO MUCH. I would more say "I've noticed you haven't had time to go to book club, what's going on?" or "You've been working so hard, let me bring dinner over for you tonight. Is everything going ok at work and home?" But we also talk every day, text all day, go shopping, spa, etc .

[Anonymous]

No.

[Anonymous]

You should not know this much
You sound certain and I doubt you are
You might ask if DD sees a more traditional role for herself, in this potential marriage. She'd shoulder everything-but-the-big-job in their life together. It works for some couples.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should not know this much
You sound certain and I doubt you are
You might ask if DD sees a more traditional role for herself, in this potential marriage. She'd shoulder everything-but-the-big-job in their life together. It works for some couples.

She said that her dd is the bread winner

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would you say something if you felt your DD carries most of the physical, logistical and emotional burden in a relationship as otherwise great partner is too busy with his job and inept due to his ADHD and social anxiety?

Yeah...i would tell your DD to get rid of the ADHD partner yesterday.

1/2 the relationship forum is a spouse regretting marrying and having kids with someone with ADHD or whatever other problems.

It only gets 100x worse when kids come along.

[Anonymous]

A partner who has anxiety and ADHD is going to suck the life out of her, so it’s your job to advise your DD about how a future with this person could be like. I’m my culture, bringing someone into our family to create the next generation is everybody’s business. She’s heading towards a freight train

[Anonymous]

Get rid of him. This was me 25 years ago. I married him and had four kids and became a very successful businesswoman. He worked a lesser job and had an affair with his office mate and abandoned me and the kids. Now he’s working on taking half the assets and investments that I built, single-handedly. what a huge life mistake I made

[Anonymous]

At the very least, if they get married, insist on a prenup agreement and/or put all of her assets in family trust that he can’t touch.

[Anonymous]

Depends on whether she can get someone better. I mean most people want to procreate and prefer to do it with a partner, and most people try to get the best partner they can get.
I used to be married to a person with undiagnosed adhd. He was the best I could get at the time.
If someone told me I should hurry up and not wait until I am in my early 30s, someone I listened to, it may have been different. If someone helped me see how I was psychologically damaged and how it made me choose less competent partners - maybe it would have been different. But the choice per se is usually a culmination of what we are by nature and what we have become by nurture, and it’s often too late to say anything.
She is choosing this guy because she thinks, rightly or not, that he is what she deserves. And lets me very clear, she may be right

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get rid of him. This was me 25 years ago. I married him and had four kids and became a very successful businesswoman. He worked a lesser job and had an affair with his office mate and abandoned me and the kids. Now he’s working on taking half the assets and investments that I built, single-handedly. what a huge life mistake I made

Did your husband have mental problems? How do you have 4 kids with this person...wouldn't things have gotten bad once 1 came along?

[Anonymous]

It’s hard to say anything critical because you become the enemy. Focus on strengthening your bond with your DD. Be the safe person she can turn to.