How to help an elderly parent feel better when they’re having a hard time adjusting to their new reality?

[Anonymous]

My mom is stuck in a very negative mindset since she has started declining in health.
I am doing the best I can to support her- paying for a daily caregiver 8 hours per day, and essentially subsidizing her expenses.

I am glad that I am able to help her, but it really frustrates me when she is so negative about herself.

I’m going to have her screened for depression but is there anything else I should do?

[Anonymous]

PP here. Some examples: won’t leave the house, sits in her recliner all day, resisting any suggestion of going out, anxious

[Anonymous]

Oh gosh, OP - I'm sorry. What's hard is you have no control, right? Like you know if you could get your mom to therapy and some group activities, she'd feel better - and she won't do it.

I don't know what you can do other than keep encouraging her. Find a chair yoga class or something she could go to and offer to drive her there. Try to make it as easy as possible for her. And also, this has helped me, have your own therapist to talk to about how this is for you.

[Anonymous]

A very low dose of Lexapro really helped my mother in her later years. It cut back on the anxiety just enough for her to be less stressed. It helped to be with her to get her to articulate her anxiety when she spoke to the health care provider - she might not have brought it up otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Is she anxious about going out due to urinary issues? I plan liquid intake around outings.

[Anonymous]

have you/would she consider assisted living? until my mom developed dementia, she was better off in AL because she was surrounded by people and there were activities etc. Many of the people had greater physical health challenges as well so it put it in perspective for her.

[Anonymous]

Is she afraid of falling? That’s one reason some elders stop moving, which of course is the worst thing for them and makes falls more likely.

I’ve had some success with involving a therapist. It really helped some of my family members work through their feelings around loss of autonomy, death seeming closer, and some other personal issues. This motivated them to work with PT/OT and increased their autonomy.

It’s hard to go through these changes and feel so much loss of control. We tend to focus on physical safety sometimes to the detriment of ignoring emotions, or saying “old people are just like that.” It’s very individual, but whatever can be positive and personal rather than just having them feel like they are a problem waiting to die is helpful.

[Anonymous]

Is she afraid of falling? Maybe she needs a walker and it would help her feel more comfortable or even a scooter.

[Anonymous]

The evaluation is key. Ideally therapy and meds, but meds alone can be enough. The meds can help her rejoin life and be pleasant enough that people want to be around her which then becomes self-reinforcing.

[Anonymous]

She may be starting to have some mild dementia.

[Anonymous]

She’s not doing it on purpose. Get her screened for depression/anxiety. This is common in the elderly as they grapple with failing health, loneliness, mobility issues, and end of life.

[Anonymous]

Is it depression if it is justified?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it depression if it is justified?

NP I was going to say the same. Is it really fair to ask someone with what sounds like not a very joyful and independent life to just not be depressed? If circumstances are depressing, one has to change either mindset or circumstances. Neither is easy for older people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A very low dose of Lexapro really helped my mother in her later years. It cut back on the anxiety just enough for her to be less stressed. It helped to be with her to get her to articulate her anxiety when she spoke to the health care provider - she might not have brought it up otherwise.

This. My FIL was prescribed a low dose of an antidepressant when he was 90, and BIL who was his caretaker, said he should’ve been on one before that, it helped the anxiety and negativity so much. At least ask your mom’s doctor about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it depression if it is justified?

It may be more than depression like dementia but yes, if she's mostly house bound with a caretaker.