S/o: which is harder for you, hosting family or visiting family?

[Anonymous]

Assume we're talking a plane ride or full day of driving apart -- far enough that either way it's a multi-day visit.

This is a spin off from the thread where OP's family wants to come spend the holidays at her house next year, and a lot of people are saying she should do it because they've hosted her

This surprised me because I find hosting a lot easier than visiting, especially with kids. Wrangling my family on a plane or a 6-7 hour drive away, managing kids while staying with family (it's easier if we stay in am AirBnB or hotel but even then I'm still watching my kids and managing them at relatives' houses to make sure they don't get into anything they shouldn't and also making sure they are entertained/fed/comfortable enough to be on good behavior) just isn't that fun for me. We do it several times a year but I find it exhausting.

When family visits that has it's own challenges but it's way less stress to me. At least my kids and I get to sleep in our own beds, and if I'm hosting it's not that hard to parent at the same time.

Curious which others find harder? Anyone else vastly prefer to host?

[Anonymous]

Maybe it’s my family, but I don’t do either because they’re each equally sucky in their own ways. I prefer to host friends and acquaintances and strangers (we sometimes board athletes because we live near a training center) rather than my own family. I don’t like visiting family because they are chaotic and controlling all at once, and some of them are dealing with mental illness and alcoholism so that’s a lot when you have little kids in tow.

[Anonymous]

I find visiting easier, but I always find excuses to go out/get away -- an errand, visit to something the kids want to see, etc.

[Anonymous]

Hosting for sure! Adore my family and spending time with them, but frankly I’m a little lazy and get tired of planning and coordination and cleaning.

[Anonymous]

Depends. Visiting my parents is easier because they will cook for us, have activities planned, have room for us to stay, etc. My in-laws don't so it's easier to have them visit.

[Anonymous]

Visiting is so much easier.
On DCUM people often advise it’s better for relatives to come to you but that is not the case for me at all.

[Anonymous]

"Maybe it’s my family, but I don’t do either"

This

[Anonymous]

I prefer hosting.

I am a bad sleeper and sleep better in my own bed.

The only house we stay in is at my in laws. They provide/eat very few vegetables and so much of the food they make doesn’t make me feel good. Ie im not gluten intolerant, but too much gluten leaves me feeling very bloated. They just have bagels for breakfast and pasta for dinner and I just don’t feel great. At my house I can provide a variety of foods I like/prefer and foods they like/prefer.

Driving tires me out. By the time we get back I’m exhausted, even moreso than cooking/cleaning up at my house.

Thankfully we live just a few states away so these visits are only 3 days usually.

[Anonymous]

It depends on who you are visiting or hosting.

But I don't stay in peoples’ homes anymore, it’s too stressful for me. When we visit someone we stay at a hotel nearby, we started doing this a few years ago when we visited in-laws and it makes the trip much more enjoyable.

We also no longer share housing when vacationing together with someone else. It’s much easier and enjoyable for me to stay at a hotel/ resort nearby.

[Anonymous]

Hosting is much harder, but I dislike both for different reasons and sort of prefer both for different reasons.

It also depends on who you are hosting or visiting, but there is a lot more work with hosting, in my experience and opinion.

[Anonymous]

I’d rather host. But I’m kind of a control freak who likes planning/organizing.

[Anonymous]

Visiting my ILs is pretty miserable. 7 hour drive and they don't like or know how to host. There will be absolutely nothing planned, including meals, and they will expect us to plan everything when we get there. But also people get mad at us if we don't plan things to their liking. I've learned that we have to plan meals and outings and then make sure everyone (including BIL and SIL and my MIL's sister) are told in advance and asked if they want to join -- we can't just decide to go out to lunch with MIL and neglect to invite others or they will get mad, and MIL won't do it.

So basically visiting ILs is like hosting only in someone else's home and having to travel far to do it. Miserable. When possible I insist on staying in an AirBnB so that I can at least get a break sometimes.

Visiting my family is the opposite -- my mom is a control freak who will plan a zillion things without telling me and then freak out if we don't want to do everything and then will be very intense during everything and make everything into a huge production so that every meal is very stressful. My siblings will fight with her because she's like this all the time and they get sick of it and my DH, kids, and I will get stuck in the cross-fire. Also it's a 3 hr flight plus a 3 hour drive to get there.

So I vastly prefer hosting even though that has its downsides too. It will wear me out but since I'm home, I can take better care of myself and not be at the mercy of someone else's planning (or lack thereof). Also generally they don't all visit at once which makes it way easier. Our siblings all live close to our parents so when we visit it's a big family thing. But usually when they visit it's just one or two people at a time. Much more manageable.

Also we live in DC where there is tons to do and our families both live in small towns where there are fewer options.

[Anonymous]

Both have their challenges. When visiting, you don’t have the comforts of home and are largely dependent on the generosity and planning of your hosts. When hosting, the pressure is on and you can’t ever really relax.

I think a big component of this is that no one in anyone’s family, nor do we, have a large home. I like to think that when we have more space, hosting will be more relaxing, or at least feel easier.

[Anonymous]

Hosting, obviously. My house is tiny and cluttered because we're 4 people in 1200 sq ft. My family lives abroad, and it's a long flight to see them, but it's still easier than trying to tidy up when you don't actually have the space for it.

Everyone's circumstances are different.

[Anonymous]

Visiting is easier. They do all the cleaning and cooking. Hosting is difficult because you have to clean and cook before they arrive and all during. You are responsible for providing breakfast, lunch, and dinner day after day. You have to keep wiping down and sweeping everything. It’s constant cooking the next meal for everyone. It’s not relaxing.