My MIL is lovely. It’s my mother!!

[Anonymous]

WWYD: Trying to reconcile the generous caretaker my mother has been with the angry and nasty woman she’s become since my father died a few years ago. She says whatever she wants and feels age has earned her the right to express her opinions as fact. She’s usually wrong and distorts things badly. I know it’s her insecurity and fear (dad was the breadwinner and organizer) coming out, but it’s so awful. She’s full of complaints about my young adult kids who live in her city saying they “talk back” when they challenge her on her racist or inappropriate comments. She’s only mid-70s and healthy, so this could go on for a while. I live halfway across the country from her, kids, and the extended family.

In my shoes, what would be your plan?

[Anonymous]

Less frequent interactions

[Anonymous]

Widen the distance

[Anonymous]

Why are your kids hanging out with her? Encourage them to cut back.

[Anonymous]

Ignore. You can't change her. Just try to do very simple things together that she enjoys

[Anonymous]

Make sure she gets checked for UTI right away.

[Anonymous]

Tell your kids to respect their elders

[Anonymous]

Two different problems.

My kids: let them know they don't need to visit her if it is too draining- just love her from afar and thank them for practicing patience.

My mother: have an honest conversation about this and ask if you can help her set up appts to make sure she is as healthy as can be. And if it's a 'no' or no change, distance myself further.

[Anonymous]

Could she be depressed?

[Anonymous]

She's probably depressed, scared, lonely and potentially has health issues that you are unaware of. Perhaps she is afraid to go to the doctor. Who knows.

Also, kids are just much freer with criticism of people than a 70+ year old generally ever was. So she is coming up with so much change she is unprepared for.

It really depends on how much you care for your mother.

[Anonymous]

Is this a major personality change or just that she has less of a filter, but always had these tendencies?

[Anonymous]

I was about to ask is she was MAGA but midway through your post I realized the answer.

[Anonymous]

you're already living far away. what else do you want to do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Make sure she gets checked for UTI right away.

Definitely do this.

[Anonymous]

OP, I can relate. I can see things headed this way in my family. My parents are in their mid-70s and do not consider how their behavior impacts others, in particular their grandchildren. They both throw around a lot of offensive, factually incorrect information (they live and breathe cable news) in there retirement.

My kids are pre-teens and unless I explain their grandparents’ behavior to them— offer context that they’re getting older— and the do’s and dont’s of interacting with them, there will be quite a few negative interactions in store for us and them. Based on what my kids told me after spending a full day with my parents earlier this week, things aren’t looking good. My parents were getting critical and impatient with my kids and at times telling them things that made absolutely no sense to them and led to bickering.

What makes it harder is that my mom keeps on insisting on these long what I call “power visits” with my kids that are no longer just positive fun times with grandma and grandpa. She won’t take quality over quantity for an answer.