When someone keeps giving you gifts... after you've told them 'please, no more gifts/stuff'

[Anonymous]

A relative is a constant gift giver. Small little things, all the time. I've seen them 3x in the past month, and each time they've given me a trinket.

This is a close relative, and we've (with others) hand lengthy conversations about the burden of "stuff." All of us being tired of stuff, having to move and deal with stuff, and how we'd all much rather enjoy time and experiences than deal with stuff. I agree, they agree, everyone agrees. They too, complain about "too much stuff."

But still, this relative is a chronic gift giver. I get it, gift giving is their "love language." But we've talked about this! We've all expressed agreement to stop buying each other stuff! I now realize that this is about them and maybe some kind of insecurity within them. Of course I say thank you when they give it directly, but I've stopped responding w/ a follow up thank you. Like "Larla, thank you so much for the picture frame! It's perfect for displaying blahblahblah!"

Do you have a constant chronic gift giver in your life? Do you just donate the stuff, even after telling them you really don't want or need any more stuff?

[Anonymous]

I hate this, I have an ex who leaves gifts on my property and I’ve repeatedly said no and trash them. No means no.

[Anonymous]

I make a comment that _sounds_ like a Thank You but is not actually Thank You. Examples: what a beautiful shade of blue! Clearly, someone worked very hard on that beadwork! My goodness, pecan sandies are delicious, aren't they? This potholder reminds me of my grandmother's place in Iowa!

In other words, I utter words that acknowledge the item in a neutral-to-postive-way. That way, the inveterate gift giver does not hear "JFC Judy, how what am I going to do with a potholder?! I've told you now, what? Four times to stop giving me shit"

And then I take the item to the Goodwill at the earliest opportunity. There's a bin in my hallway for Goodwill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A relative is a constant gift giver. Small little things, all the time. I've seen them 3x in the past month, and each time they've given me a trinket.

This is a close relative, and we've (with others) hand lengthy conversations about the burden of "stuff." All of us being tired of stuff, having to move and deal with stuff, and how we'd all much rather enjoy time and experiences than deal with stuff. I agree, they agree, everyone agrees. They too, complain about "too much stuff."

But still, this relative is a chronic gift giver. I get it, gift giving is their "love language." But we've talked about this! We've all expressed agreement to stop buying each other stuff! I now realize that this is about them and maybe some kind of insecurity within them. Of course I say thank you when they give it directly, but I've stopped responding w/ a follow up thank you. Like "Larla, thank you so much for the picture frame! It's perfect for displaying blahblahblah!"

Do you have a constant chronic gift giver in your life? Do you just donate the stuff, even after telling them you really don't want or need any more stuff?

This is my MIL and the madness started before I was married and was living in a tiny studio apartment and she brought me a fully decorated 7 foot Christmas tree. I have tried to explain to her that I am not just being polite discouraging gifts—I really feel overwhelmed when there’s too much stuff around, but she just kind of laughs this off.

These days I say a polite but not effusive “thank you”. If the gift is mailed, I don’t send a thank you card or make my kids send thank you cards unless it’s a birthday present. I don’t feel guilty about not sending loads of gifts myself. I donate lots of things and sometimes end up throwing things away. All of this hurts my otherwise well-mannered and frugal soul, but I’ve learned this is what I need to do. This has been going on for about 17 years, and the gifts have slowed WAY down so I think it has been somewhat effective.

I have several friends who are dealing with the same issue and none of us has found a good way to handle this. We are all competent professionals who deal with complex situations on a daily basis, but random relatives sending us crap we don’t want has been an insurmountable problem.


One bright spot—my MIL started giving me “World’s Best Mom” mugs and tumblers when I first became a mom and gives so many gifts she surely has not realized she’s given me about a dozen of them. I started hanging on to them and when I get together with a group of mom friends I break them out, and we all enjoy being the “World’s Best Mom.”

[Anonymous]

This is their love language and they can’t stop. My friend does this. Lots of little things. I donate most of the items.

MIL does it too. Donation pile. Like, no, I don’t need baby birthday cake candle holders from 1970.

[Anonymous]

my MIL started giving me “World’s Best Mom” mugs and tumblers when I first became a mom and gives so many gifts she surely has not realized she’s given me about a dozen of them. I started hanging on to them and when I get together with a group of mom friends I break them out, and we all enjoy being the “World’s Best Mom.”

I love this

[Anonymous]

It's obnoxious if you know the person is doing it for themselves and is disregarding your voiced wishes. I put the items straight in the car for donation.

[Anonymous]

This whole "love language" thing just reinforces people who do this. If people say "no" it turns into disrespecting boundaries. If the person is otherwise genuinely kid, I give a polite smile and say "thank you" and if I write a note, it's all about how great it was to see the person and nothing about the gift. I then donate.

If it's a pushy relative who expects more than "thank you" and disrespects boundaries in many ways, I don't write a note. If they say "here you go" I might say "Oh...(put down gift) May I take your coat?" Then they mention it again and I nod and ask "May I get you something to drink." I don't engage with the gift part.

The gift is the person and like I said, if it's a good person I let it go. If it's someone who is rude in another ways it's annoying because you not only spend the event trying to ignore their other boundary violations, but then you have this thing that needs to be donated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's obnoxious if you know the person is doing it for themselves and is disregarding your voiced wishes. I put the items straight in the car for donation.

OP here. This is the thing. We have talked, several times, about how we're all tired of "stuff" - I have explicitly said that I don't need another gift from anyone, ever.

I get that giving gifts is the love language of some people, but when they ignore the wishes of other people, it feels disrespectful and rude. It's almost like "love bombing" in a way. It is not expressing love for another person when you ignore their wishes.

[Anonymous]

You’ve had the conversation with them and you said stop. If they continue, smile, say thank you then donate, throwout, regift ir package it and give it back to her the following year ir two.

[Anonymous]

Gifts are for giving, not keeping. Swing by goodwill on your way home and drop it off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Gifts are for giving, not keeping. Swing by goodwill on your way home and drop it off.

I like this. I've not heard it before, but damn do I like it.

It's inspired me to go collect some gifts I've been given and put them in a donation pile. I usually stow them in the basement guestroom or a random storage box in the garage, but no more.

[Anonymous]

Yep. My sibling is like this. And the gifts are awful and things I don’t want or need. Yet they seem so proud of the gifts. I did shut it down after we both had kids to make it “only gifts for kids”. Even then it took two years of them buying me “just one gift to open” and me not reciprocating (awkward). And they make comments about “well we know your family doesn’t do gifts” in a weird judgmental tone like we are meanies. (Years later!) so while I technically ended the gifts it may not have been worth it hahah.

[Anonymous]

My mother is like this with my kids. We have so much stuff already. I politely asked for a donation to their college fund if she must but she refuses. She seems to think the kids will forget her if there's not a concrete gift. The worst is a photo with the item upon receipt isn't enough. She will bring up 6 months later "I haven't seen larla wearing that t-shirt I bought lately.." I had to explain I don't send a photo every single time the kids use her gift.

[Anonymous]

I'm going to add something here that is taboo to say. For some people gift giving is a way to be a jerk. popular culture talks about narcissistic love bombing-giving lots of gifts to manipulate. There's also passive aggression. My mother loved to give noisy toys to the kids of relatives or neighbors she hated and would brag about it. One of my sisters (the wealthy one) loves giving junk from dollar store and when the rest of implemented a no gift policy she doubled the amount of junk and then would get all upset we didn't have the kids write thank you notes. She is also the person who will mock the wedding and baby registries of relatives and pull out one the vases she got a TJ Maxx on clearance to give and then complain the thank you note wasn't effusive enough.