I’ve tried my whole life to be a really good person but l feel too much has happened to me
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Anonymous
| I’m not normally like this. Just down. I came a very troubled background- abuse/addiction/poor etc and I’m very proud of the person I’ve become. Of course I have my challenges and faults but I’ve spent life working towards being an ethical and kind person and to work in my own s&$t. I just feel like it hasn’t mattered. My kids are kind of a mess, my husband had an affair, and I feel like I have given my life to others and it was a mistake. I’m just down, I know. I’m very fortunate to have several wonderful friends. I don’t have any family other than my husband and kids but that’s ok. Not really a question here just probably holiday induced sadness. |
Anonymous
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OP,
You are allowed to feel this way. It sounds like things are just hard right now. Your current circumstances don't undo all the work you've done on yourself. If you've given so much of yourself to others, maybe you can do something for yourself? I am talking about something that doesn't make you a better person, just something fun that you want to do--a class, a new hobby, a trip? It might help you to be a little "selfish." |
Anonymous
| Sending you hugs. |
Anonymous
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Your post could have been written by me except I never had the guts for marriage and kids so it’s just me and my dog. I’m having a bit harder than usual time this holidays so I feel your angst. I would kindly remind you that early childhood adversity builds resilience but also creates lifelong challenges and your way of perceiving your life is one of those challenges. It helps me a lot to be mindful about keeping a daily gratitude practice as part of my routine- sometimes I do it mentally but other times when I need reinforcing I do gratitude journaling.
You’ve been the best person you could be at each stage of your life and you have many blessings in your life as well. Count them as often as possible and you will begin to feel better. Wishing you peace at the holidays and into the new year. |
Anonymous
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You sound like a good person going through a rough time.
There are ups and downs in life, and hopefully things will get better with time. If not, you have good friends you can rely on to help you find the support you need. Hugs, OP. |
Anonymous
Looking at this again it sounds trite which was not my intent of course. ACEs cause long term emotional pain that often goes unexplored or treated and can cause adults to suffer negative emotions, depression and pessimistic life outlook. Personally I’ve struggled with depression since childhood and at times struggled with suicidal ideation because of childhood trauma. You matter. Your life matters. This is a better world because you are in it. |
Anonymous
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Do you have a therapist? The Holidays are always a time when people with weak family support tend to get depressed. It's easy to understand why - all major Holidays emphasize the value of family (and with it, loyalty and support).
I'm just going to say that even though your husband and kids may take you for granted right now, I hope they express moments of gratitude and affection, or help when you most need it. My husband can be a total jerk when I'm healthy. But when I'm sick, he takes good care of me. My teens are obviously self-centered because they're teens; one has severe ADHD and high-functioning autism, the other has a chronic auto-immune disease. Yet they do help me when I ask, and they are affectionate when they remember to be. It was never going to be perfect, OP. Don't believe the Hallmark movies or the Insta/FB! Take care of yourself, physically and mentally. Instead of thinking "I'm such a good person that I place others needs before my own"; think "I need to put on my oxygen mask before I can help others with theirs". |
Anonymous
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If you feel your kids are a mess, do they feel like they are a mess? Maybe try to have some talks about what could make things better for both of you. Or maybe just try to find something to do that will shock you all into having a really fun time. Something goofy like a bobsled ride. A physical component would help.
In my household we call this "hitting the change of venue button". It's a reference Bart Simpson made to a legal court case video game. To get his character a more favorable judge and jury. |
Anonymous
| Thank you all helpful ideas |
Anonymous
Not at all no worries I understand and agree with what you’re saying. Thank you |
Anonymous
| My kids have many of the issues I worked to not have. Addiction, regulation, etc it’s depressing I’ve done all I could to help them be healthier and feel loved and supported. they’re adults now |
Anonymous
| Hugs OP. No advice, just commiseration. It took me such a long time to rise above my upbringing and some days it just feels pointless. I hold on to the certainty that my daughters will never have the deep fear of me that I have of my own mother. They are starting from a much different place in life and it’s actually such a gift, please try to remember that |
Anonymous
PP. A lot of this is genetic and nothing you could prevent with parenting. My family deals with this. Just need to keep warning and hoping. And looking for meds or strategies that help. |
Anonymous
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What you’re experiencing is normal, and you’re not alone. Others of us are out here and struggling with similar things.
I feel the same way as you at times when it comes to feeling like I’m not good enough. Stephanie Foo writes about this in her book What the Bones Know. The book is validating yet also setting. Foo mentioned complex ptsd, and I wonder if you might have that too. Overall, you deserve love and you deserve to exist. The abuse you received was not deserved and came from sick people. |
Anonymous
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Allow yourself to have those feelings... If you're up for it -- consider therapy |