Racial Bias in Nanny Share Arrangements

[Anonymous]

I could use some advice. We are an upper middle class black/white interracial married couple trying to find ideal childcare for our first child before we go back to work. Where we live in DC nanny sharing is very popular and we know many people in the neighborhood who have been able to find a family to partner with with ease and in little time. However, we’ve been struggling for a while to find a similar arrangement for our fairly easy-going, sweet-natured infant. All of the people in the neighborhood we know who have done nanny sharing (and had assured us it would be easy to organize something similar for our family) have been white and the demographics of the neighborhood are such that there are very few non-white couples around us with the means to pay a lot for childcare (this is also born out by the demographics of the daycares and private preschools in the neighborhood). We’ve had good initial phone conversations with a few families who seemed to promptly ghost us once we gave them enough identifying information to be able to look us up and see what we look like.

I’m a little frustrated that I naively did not see this coming and now we may have to pay a lot more than we anticipated for a one-on-one nanny until a spot at our preferred daycare maybe opens up.

Has anyone ever navigated something similar? Any advice for networks we could potentially tap into to find similarly situated families? It would have been nice to find a family in our neighborhood but we now accept that we may also need to tap into our adjacent/surrounding communities for the right fit.

[Anonymous]

Maybe the conversations were not as good as you thought and you were making it difficult. Or, you want day care and not long term and they saw that and didn't want to hassle with that.

[Anonymous]

For a nanny share to work, you gave to be either super flexible or be in lock step with the other family.

I don’t know anyone who used a nanny share. It’s all daycare or single nannies. Why is your heart set on a nanny share?

[Anonymous]

OP here. I think we expressed a lot of flexibility (open to either hosting or having it at their house, flexible with start and end time, and open to discussing/exchanging ideas on how their days would typically look, etc). It’s true that you can never really know what other factors are at play. I just feel a bit stuck now and trying to find a solution based on my gut feeling about what appears to be the issue.

We had decided on nanny share because we wanted our child to have a bit more personal attention and naively thought it would be a little easier to arrange given that it seems to be the most common childcare arrangement in the neighborhood from what I’ve gleaned…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I think we expressed a lot of flexibility (open to either hosting or having it at their house, flexible with start and end time, and open to discussing/exchanging ideas on how their days would typically look, etc). It’s true that you can never really know what other factors are at play. I just feel a bit stuck now and trying to find a solution based on my gut feeling about what appears to be the issue.

We had decided on nanny share because we wanted our child to have a bit more personal attention and naively thought it would be a little easier to arrange given that it seems to be the most common childcare arrangement in the neighborhood from what I’ve gleaned…

Is this a poorer neighborhood? I don’t understand why a one on one nanny would be prohibitively expensive unless HHI was really low. I’ve also never heard of anyone with a nanny share.

[Anonymous]

With these sort of things, it's always a feeling that you can't prove. And those who've never felt it will tell you that you are imagining things.

Watch your neighborhood as your child ages. You'll want a good fit for him/her.

[Anonymous]

What DC neighborhood?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I think we expressed a lot of flexibility (open to either hosting or having it at their house, flexible with start and end time, and open to discussing/exchanging ideas on how their days would typically look, etc). It’s true that you can never really know what other factors are at play. I just feel a bit stuck now and trying to find a solution based on my gut feeling about what appears to be the issue.

We had decided on nanny share because we wanted our child to have a bit more personal attention and naively thought it would be a little easier to arrange given that it seems to be the most common childcare arrangement in the neighborhood from what I’ve gleaned…

Is this a poorer neighborhood? I don’t understand why a one on one nanny would be prohibitively expensive unless HHI was really low. I’ve also never heard of anyone with a nanny share.

OMG seriously....????

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I think we expressed a lot of flexibility (open to either hosting or having it at their house, flexible with start and end time, and open to discussing/exchanging ideas on how their days would typically look, etc). It’s true that you can never really know what other factors are at play. I just feel a bit stuck now and trying to find a solution based on my gut feeling about what appears to be the issue.

We had decided on nanny share because we wanted our child to have a bit more personal attention and naively thought it would be a little easier to arrange given that it seems to be the most common childcare arrangement in the neighborhood from what I’ve gleaned…

Is this a poorer neighborhood? I don’t understand why a one on one nanny would be prohibitively expensive unless HHI was really low. I’ve also never heard of anyone with a nanny share.

This. It’s the cheapest option and probably not the best option for your baby. Why not look for a 1:1 nanny? I can’t imagine being interracial makes one bit of difference.

[Anonymous]

White folks will never validate your experience. I had the same thing happen to me when I was young and looking for a house share. It's hard to prove, but it's our reality. I just went straight to daycare. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Since you have decided all the people you have spoken to are racists, you should look outside your neighborhood. First, decide how far you are willing to drive. Perhaps which other neighborhoods have a community center, library, nice parks for outings. Do you have any Black friends or acquaintances in those neighborhoods?

[Anonymous]

Are you on daycare lists? If not, get on some.

Welcome to parenthood, where child care is a big piece.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you on daycare lists? If not, get on some.

Welcome to parenthood, where child care is a big piece.

We are. The nanny share would be comparable to or more expensive than any of daycares. We just had a preference for in-home care and a share seemed like a good middle ground.

[Anonymous]

I had a nanny share arrangment fall apart. You might be better off. I did my search while expecting too. Maybe you are too late?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:White folks will never validate your experience. I had the same thing happen to me when I was young and looking for a house share. It's hard to prove, but it's our reality. I just went straight to daycare. Good luck.

Yes, I certainly did not expect much in the way of validation but thought I’d at least crowdsource for ideas. Thanks for your insight and well wishes!