Grudge holding/trust

[Anonymous]

Anyone else really hold on to grudges? I’m not talking for small things, but the bigger things. I’m a generally tolerant person (I think) in that I don’t have the sort of mindset where I get easily offended or demand a lot from my friends/relatives/partners on a day to day basis. But if something big happens that flips the switch for me - I’m just DONE with that person. Like, does not matter if there’s some explanation for their behavior (they were “under stress” or whatever), that’s just it for me.

In these scenarios I have been encouraged by others to “talk to them, tell them how you feel” but the grudge and lack of trust are so strong as to make that almost make me want to vomit. I would need them to come to me and show they were safe before I did that.

Can anyone else relate?

I should add, this isn’t a huge issue in my life. I have close friends, a good relationship with my boss and coworkers, etc. I’m not out getting mad at everyone and suing the dry cleaner lol. But these are painful situations.

[Anonymous]

I'm not saying you are borderline, but this characteristic is one of the classic borderline symptoms.

That said, I think sometimes I give people TOO many chances, so I'm not sure your reaction is necessarily a bad thing.

[Anonymous]

You sound pretty normal to me – if it isn’t for small things and isn’t many people. I generally have low expectations for people, so I’m not easily disappointed by friends/family/acquaintances/coworkers. And I usually give people more than one chance. But repeat offenders or even egregious one time offenders? I’m out. Life is too short.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not saying you are borderline, but this characteristic is one of the classic borderline symptoms.

That said, I think sometimes I give people TOO many chances, so I'm not sure your reaction is necessarily a bad thing.

I recognize that’s how may sounds! but truly, this doesn’t happen often and isn’t a pattern affecting all my relationships- I’ve got a lot of stability and can handle normal bumps in the road, don’t have a pattern of idealizing people. If I had to give it a psychological name it would probably be something more like passive-aggressive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound pretty normal to me – if it isn’t for small things and isn’t many people. I generally have low expectations for people, so I’m not easily disappointed by friends/family/acquaintances/coworkers. And I usually give people more than one chance. But repeat offenders or even egregious one time offenders? I’m out. Life is too short.

yeah I think that’s what we have in common. Generally low expectations. Part of me wonders if the appearance of low expectations sometimes acts as a trigger? Like people want more engagement so it can escalate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound pretty normal to me – if it isn’t for small things and isn’t many people. I generally have low expectations for people, so I’m not easily disappointed by friends/family/acquaintances/coworkers. And I usually give people more than one chance. But repeat offenders or even egregious one time offenders? I’m out. Life is too short.

yeah I think that’s what we have in common. Generally low expectations. Part of me wonders if the appearance of low expectations sometimes acts as a trigger? Like people want more engagement so it can escalate.

(or to use the currently trendy framework - maybe it’s perceived as avoidance which can trigger the anxious?)

[Anonymous]

I am bad at holding boundaries and am a people pleaser. So I accommodate and forgive all the minor to medium transgressions, but then really struggle with resentment and forgiveness with the major transgressions. I suspect that if I held more boundaries earlier on and more often, I would have more skills to deal productively with those major transgressions, or at least would feel less pushed past my limits to endure.

Does that sound familiar?

[Anonymous]

Yes dealing with this right now. I’m 50 and I just don’t have time for that. It’s not worth it to me. If you did it to everyone then I might think BPD.

[Anonymous]

OP sounds like my ex-wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am bad at holding boundaries and am a people pleaser. So I accommodate and forgive all the minor to medium transgressions, but then really struggle with resentment and forgiveness with the major transgressions. I suspect that if I held more boundaries earlier on and more often, I would have more skills to deal productively with those major transgressions, or at least would feel less pushed past my limits to endure.

Does that sound familiar?

Sort of. I don’t think I’m a people pleaser. More like I avoid conflict.

[Anonymous]

Frankly, it sounds like you have boundaries. Sounds healthy. When someone breaks our trust, but does little to make amends or demonstrate a change in behavior- it is smart to lay down boundaries and distance.

[Anonymous]

Not at all. I have very flexible mind. I just avoid dealing with such people, but I don't hold grudges.
Comes out that most of these people I have had conflict with are Autistic, narcissists, borderline. They are clearly not in charge of their feelings, emotions, and even behavior. I can't fix them, but I can stay away. Some of them are so destructive, they hurt themselves. Meanwhile claiming that everyone else is bad.
I know a family of Autists. Right now they are struggling because Trump won and half the family is Trump supporters. I think they are not talking to each other. They cannot get their feelings under control. It's not an easy way to live. I have no sympathy left as it is exhausting. I'm staying away.