Parent won’t respond to questions

[Anonymous]

This is not a case of age and forgetfulness, my mother in the last year will just not reply sometimes when you ask a direct question.

For example, let’s say she is coming over around lunch time. I text asking if I should plan for her to have lunch here. Multiple times over the course of the day, I’ve asked that question and there is no response but she’ll respond to other things.

I would usually say fine and she’ll have figure it out when she gets here. But then she’ll get here and complain about what we all should be eating. And it’s a waste of time.

She approaching retirement and more stressed than usual but this avoidance is happening all the time. Her communication is so selective these days and it’s bizarre. There was one time I was sitting next to her during dinner and I asked if she needed butter or a napkin or something and she literally acted like he didn’t hear me. I said it several times and then finally I tapped her and said “mom are you there!”

She and I have had a strained relationship over the past few years (she’s lied to me a lot but definitely out of avoidance/fear vs out of malice). Despite that still we communicate almost daily over the phone.

I think in some ways she doesn’t want to respond to “burden” me with a task (like making lunch). But it’s so much more of a burden when she doesn’t respond. The whole thing is really bizarre and I want to address it soon because the more it happens, I just build up even more resentment around the ways she’s treated me.

Anyone else BTDT? It’s a strange one.

[Anonymous]

For something like lunch, just tell her "We're eating at this time, and this is what we're serving. If you need something different, let me know".

And relax. You're not responsible for her emotions and reactions. Keep living your life and don't force her to respond to you.

[Anonymous]

If she doesn't respond and shows up demanding lunch, you say "You didn't respond, so I took that as you don't want any". In general, if people don't respond, take that as a no.

[Anonymous]

In your case, I’d stop asking and start telling.

“Looking forward to seeing you tomorrow. I’m planning to provide lunch.”

“See you tomorrow! I’ll be eating ahead of time, so make sure you grab lunch beforehand.”

[Anonymous]

Yes this has happened to me. Some people like to create drama and complain and I'd see my mom do this to me when something didn't go well for her or she had had a dull week or right before we were going to spend time together that she wanted to make sure was already strained so that she wouldn't have to be pleasant. So she would create drama over something small to set the stage for an unhappy get together. It's passive aggressiveness I guess angry that I'm younger or something. It took me a couple of years to figure out what was going on. She has narcissistic tendencies and I guess figures with all the different types of communication she can play games like this. Once I realized it wasn't me I just stopped trying to have a longer conversation with her and started telling her things more straight up and it's been better. We aren't close anymore even though we also talk daily but at least we don't have as many conversation breakdowns and games played.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is not a case of age and forgetfulness, my mother in the last year will just not reply sometimes when you ask a direct question.

For example, let’s say she is coming over around lunch time. I text asking if I should plan for her to have lunch here. Multiple times over the course of the day, I’ve asked that question and there is no response but she’ll respond to other things.

I would usually say fine and she’ll have figure it out when she gets here. But then she’ll get here and complain about what we all should be eating. And it’s a waste of time.

She approaching retirement and more stressed than usual but this avoidance is happening all the time. Her communication is so selective these days and it’s bizarre. There was one time I was sitting next to her during dinner and I asked if she needed butter or a napkin or something and she literally acted like he didn’t hear me. I said it several times and then finally I tapped her and said “mom are you there!”

She and I have had a strained relationship over the past few years (she’s lied to me a lot but definitely out of avoidance/fear vs out of malice). Despite that still we communicate almost daily over the phone.

I think in some ways she doesn’t want to respond to “burden” me with a task (like making lunch). But it’s so much more of a burden when she doesn’t respond. The whole thing is really bizarre and I want to address it soon because the more it happens, I just build up even more resentment around the ways she’s treated me.

Anyone else BTDT? It’s a strange one.

Asking over and over again if she plans to burden you by eating lunch at your house because "you know, it is lunchtime the hour you are coming lady" is passive aggressive-it would be better not to bring it up at all really. Mayne that is just the one free set of time in her day and she didn't scheme to arrange for a time to get a meal. But on the other hand just offer food if she is there unless you are in poverty (which is possible don't know your circumstances)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is not a case of age and forgetfulness, my mother in the last year will just not reply sometimes when you ask a direct question.

For example, let’s say she is coming over around lunch time. I text asking if I should plan for her to have lunch here. Multiple times over the course of the day, I’ve asked that question and there is no response but she’ll respond to other things.

I would usually say fine and she’ll have figure it out when she gets here. But then she’ll get here and complain about what we all should be eating. And it’s a waste of time.

She approaching retirement and more stressed than usual but this avoidance is happening all the time. Her communication is so selective these days and it’s bizarre. There was one time I was sitting next to her during dinner and I asked if she needed butter or a napkin or something and she literally acted like he didn’t hear me. I said it several times and then finally I tapped her and said “mom are you there!”

She and I have had a strained relationship over the past few years (she’s lied to me a lot but definitely out of avoidance/fear vs out of malice). Despite that still we communicate almost daily over the phone.

I think in some ways she doesn’t want to respond to “burden” me with a task (like making lunch). But it’s so much more of a burden when she doesn’t respond. The whole thing is really bizarre and I want to address it soon because the more it happens, I just build up even more resentment around the ways she’s treated me.

Anyone else BTDT? It’s a strange one.

Seems like you were trying to force her to talk. Anyone at any dinner would initiate a "pass me the butter" conversation for themselves. For you to initiate then not let go means you wanted to force the interaction for some reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is not a case of age and forgetfulness, my mother in the last year will just not reply sometimes when you ask a direct question.

For example, let’s say she is coming over around lunch time. I text asking if I should plan for her to have lunch here. Multiple times over the course of the day, I’ve asked that question and there is no response but she’ll respond to other things.

I would usually say fine and she’ll have figure it out when she gets here. But then she’ll get here and complain about what we all should be eating. And it’s a waste of time.

She approaching retirement and more stressed than usual but this avoidance is happening all the time. Her communication is so selective these days and it’s bizarre. There was one time I was sitting next to her during dinner and I asked if she needed butter or a napkin or something and she literally acted like he didn’t hear me. I said it several times and then finally I tapped her and said “mom are you there!”

She and I have had a strained relationship over the past few years (she’s lied to me a lot but definitely out of avoidance/fear vs out of malice). Despite that still we communicate almost daily over the phone.

I think in some ways she doesn’t want to respond to “burden” me with a task (like making lunch). But it’s so much more of a burden when she doesn’t respond. The whole thing is really bizarre and I want to address it soon because the more it happens, I just build up even more resentment around the ways she’s treated me.

Anyone else BTDT? It’s a strange one.

Yes, because she is not falling for your little tests.

[Anonymous]

Your examples sound really annoying. As another PP said, just tell her that you’re serving ___ for lunch.”

Regarding the dinner table, I have no idea why you are pecking at an adult about butter and napkins. If the woman needs any of those items, she can ask for them. Just let her eat without the questions.

[Anonymous]

I’m not really getting your examples, especially at the dinner table. If she needs butter, she’ll ask. If you noticed that she didn’t have a napkin, you could have just gotten one and given it to her.
Don’t badger her into conversation. Give her the info she needs and she can decide what to do with it.