So frustrated for DS

[Anonymous]

My middle schooler appears to be about to be counseled out of (or maybe outright kicked out of) his mainstream private. There aren't any SN privates in our area, so next steps are unclear. A huge public is unlikely to help in any way with his social and behavioral challenges.

He's happy there and honestly has been trying. I feel bad for him, and I feel bad for us. The school hasn't made us feel like a team at all. We had a great elementary team for our kid prior to middle and were all cooperative when he had challenges. He has broken some rules, and we feel frustrated with his behavior, but from the start, the school seemed only interested in punishing. The administrators act annoyed when they have to call us and are defensive about everything. We've worked so hard to phrase messages in a way that was collaborative and to point to ideas or people to talk with. They just respond with defensiveness and haven't followed up with any of the things.

I guess the school isn't a good fit, but now it's midyear, and I don't know if we could get in anywhere else with his challenges there so far this year or if we could get our money back. I'm so angry with them and feel so unsupported that I want to just go somewhere else, but that would be devastating for him. He is thriving there academically and doing sports, but the social is really the problem.

What do we do now? If I felt we could find a way to partner with the school, I'd love to work collaboratively, but I don't feel we're likely to get there. They've shone again and again that they don't seem able to do that. He was kept out of school today without an official suspension while they looked into something and then didn't communicate to us until 6pm that he could go back tomorrow - but we have to meet with the school's director... So, it seems like they are trying to get rid of us. But "the director has a busy schedule, so we don't know when you can meet, so he should just come back to school tomorrow."

We were busy and unable to talk in depth when they called, and we talked about talking tomorrow. After they offering to talk tomorrow, they were annoyed when I asked if we could pick a time to talk so we were sure to be available.

I'm just at my wits end with it. I'm frustrated with my kid's behavior and frustrated that the school doesn't seem to have any ability or interest in working collaboratively with us.

[Anonymous]

What kind of behavior?

If he does well with sports and academics he might do fine in public. Public was no walk in the park when my DS had behavioral issues but at least we felt we belonged there and there was no question about kicking him out on a whim.

[Anonymous]

It does seem like they're giving you the cold shoulder rather than problem-solving.

Is it the same school as elementary or a different one? Could it be you misjudged the school culture and expectations, or perhaps the level of support they're willing to provide in elementary is just not something they think should be part of middle school?

[Anonymous]

Does your son know he's about to be kicked out and lose all his friends? He's old enough to take responsibility for his behavior.

[Anonymous]

OP, I’m sorry to hear this. Private schools are under no obligation to teach students with disabilities. It appears that your child’s behavior is using up a disproportionate amount of resources - with lots of calls and “investigations.” Your child is no longer a good fit for the school. At public, your child will qualify for an IEP or 504.

Your tone is pretty negative and I’m sure the school has picked up on this: you are “angry” at the school and you were “too busy” to talk about your child’s behavior that is so bad that you think they are going to be counseled out. Schools expect parents to address bad behavior and be apologetic- not put the burden of bad behavior back on the school (what you like to call working collaboratively).

[Anonymous]

If it adds some comfort - thriving academically and in sports but not socially - that sounds like a recipe for a successful transfer elsewhere without much resistance from him. There is a better fit out there for him. The admissions cycle is happening now - go see what is out there? I take it you are not in DC metro if you are saying there are no SN privates in your area. Solidarity - keep us posted - we are cheering you all on!

[Anonymous]

OP here. It's a new school. It's larger than DS's very small private elementary but not particularly large (way smaller than the public middle). We had a great relationship with the team at his elementary, and it was truly a team working together.

We assumed things would be a little different at this school, but I don't think our expectations have been unrealistic. We shared his neuropsych during the application process and were told he would have an IEP-type plan (which they still have not put in place or communicated with us about). More recently, after an incident, they wrote into a behavior letter that he should meet with the school counselor, but he never did, until we checked in about whether he was going to meet with her because we felt it would help with another new emerging issue. We were told she would follow up with us after meeting with him (their suggestion - not ours), but she never has.

We have been super supportive in our emails to them. We have shared some info about what he's told us about incidents (at their request) and some info about what has worked well for him in the past, including offering to put them in touch with a teacher from his prior school, but they responded with a lot of defensiveness.

With regard to the PP who said we were "too busy" to talk to the school - it's completely the opposite. We have asked for meetings that they never scheduled. We email with information and never hear back. They call us randomly and unexpectedly, and we drop everything to talk with them. In the most recent incident, they called us at 4pm on Monday with some info, but then at 9pm emailed us to say DS shouldn't come to school the next day because they were still investigating (which seemed a bit unfair because although DS had not handled the situation well with regard to confronting the other student, the origin of the situation was that another kid started a rumor that DS did/said something he insists he did not, so he was kind of being punished for something he might actually be the victim of).

It was unclear how long he would need to stay home, and we waited all day to find out, having emailed with some more info and a nicely-worded note that we were disappointed none of this was shared during the phone call and that it was confusing how long he would have to be out of school due to an investigation, rather than something he was actually in trouble for. They finally called us at 5pm, when we were in the middle of a meeting with a contractor we paid to come to the house and also needed to leave to pick up our other child. DH asked if we could call them back in 15 minutes, and they said no - they just wanted to share some info quickly, so they rattled through a few things and were again defensive, and then they suggested we could talk more tomorrow, to which I suggested we set a time so that we were sure we would be available to really dedicate some time to this, and they got irritated by the suggestion. Okay, I get that they are busy and that things come up at school, but if this is so important that my kid needs to be out of school for a day, doesn't it seem like they could find a few minutes for a phone call that they themselves suggested? I've never had a public or private school act like that before. And the reason I pushed for a time was because in the past, when they've said things like "we can talk later," it never happens.

Anyway, yes, I'm angry because the school just doesn't seem to be supporting DS and is acting like everything is our fault when we try to coordinate with them and support what they are doing. I debated whether or not to even say something constructive in the last email because I knew they would get defensive, and sure enough, they did. The only positive way forward seems like if we can get them to see us as allies here, but I'm at a total loss on this. We have other kids and have been at other schools (public and private), and I've never seen anything like this.

Unfortunately, the public school isn't a great option because it's much, much larger. He struggled at a larger school in early elementary because he doesn't have academic needs in terms of an IEP but basically needs consistency and some adult eyes on him and others (i.e. gets upset if others get away with using a cell phone or watching a video on a Chromebook once if he tries it and gets called out for it). We like that his current school is holding him responsible for behavior and paying attention - but it's sort of like they are doing half of it and then stopping short of actually communicating anything useful to us or to him, and supporting him by helping prevent some of it or create positive situations to help him avoid it.

[Anonymous]

OP MS is different from ES. He might be just fine at the big public middle. You won’t get call home for mere verbal disagreements/arguments. Also IEPs can be for behavior and social skills, not just academic.

[Anonymous]

A lot of kids with IEPs do better at big middle schools because they change classes frequently and get a fresh start multiple times a day. I’m sorry the current school staff is being so awful, but you should go talk to the public school and take a tour.

[Anonymous]

OP, a larger school MAY be better as it has more supports/variety of classes adn he can get an IEP. What are you doing outside school? Has he had a neuropsych? Is he in therapy and social skills classes? How about tutoring? You need to get supports outside of school in places especially if you are doing a private school.

I would go up there tomorrow in person and ask for a meeting and insist on a plan with them and talk about what your are going to do to help - ie. evaluation, medicaion if needed, tutoring, social skills classes, therapy. Then ask what they can do to support him better while you get this in place and when its in place are they willing to talk to the providers to help them help your son better. It takes you and the school to turn this around and you need to put the effort in as well.

And, you need to have consequences at home each time he's suspended or misbehaves. Have him write an apology to each of his teachers and the principal and give a consequence. I know some here are anti-consequences but my kid knows as we are very strict and consistent with it.