When I don’t know quite what to do with my 9yo’s anxiety

[Anonymous]

My 9yo has a recent autism/adhd diagnosis. She is Roblox obsessed, but respects the limit that she needs to prioritized homework over screen time. The trouble begins if the homework is tricky. She is in compacted math. She will ask me for help and then berate me for having to study the homework helper before helping her. Yesterday, she started vigorously doodling around the edges of the pages. I have blocked out exactly what she said to me, but it was unpleasant. I told her we needed to taking a break until she calmed down and stopped speaking to me that way. She began crying and telling me I had to help her. Then she was very lightly tapping me with the workbook. I told her she couldn’t do that. I probably should have walked away, but she was both sad and angry as she demanded my help. Eventually, we worked through it and she was able to confidently do 2/3 of the problems. Any recommendations for the future? I stayed outwardly calm, but it is stressful when she does this kind of thing with me. She doesn’t do it with her dad.

[Anonymous]

It sounds less like anxiety and more like a power dynamic?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds less like anxiety and more like a power dynamic?

DP- Completely disagree. Sounds like par for the course for a kid with AUD/AHDH/Anxiety.

OP, the younger years are hard and I think you handled it well. Setting limits but in a caring way like you did is necessary. Have you read any books yet on this? Don't want to reco if you've already read them... eg Unstuck and On Target

[Anonymous]

No answers, just solidarity. My 5yo with ASD/anxiety is a lot like this. It's rough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds less like anxiety and more like a power dynamic?

Not at all. It's anxiety. Clearly. NP here, but this is classic.

[Anonymous]

PP here- as an anxious person myself I didn't quite see it! If anything, task avoidant / ADHD. Anyway, I accept being wrong

[Anonymous]

I had to set very explicit boundaries of what behavior was not ok and then gave 1 warning, and then walked away until DD was able to interact in a more effective way. This is a good lesson to learn at this age. It’s ok to be overwhelmed, it’s ok to be upset, it’s not ok to take it out on another person.

I also eventually hired a math tutor to take me out of the equation.

[Anonymous]

Let her do things that are ok (doodle in margins) and give her alternatives for things that are not ("I don't want to be tapped by the workbook, but you can tap it on the table" or whatever). For the reviewing the homework helper, explain when she is calm that you will always look at it so you can teach her the same way she's learning in school. And then always look at it so it becomes part of the routine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds less like anxiety and more like a power dynamic?

Not at all. It's anxiety. Clearly. NP here, but this is classic.

OP here - I have to admit that my daughter was not diagnosed with anxiety. She looked anxious and she made me feel anxious, but this could just be a power dynamic issue.

I have expended tremendous energy since she was 2 years old at skirting around power struggles with humor, distraction, explanation… I used puppets. Sometimes her shoes and socks had a little chat with her when I was desperate. She is all about power struggles and fairness issues.

So, it doesn’t have to be anxiety. Maybe it is just an emotional dysregulation power cycle that I’m trapped in.

Tonight, she was describing to me how she needs to dump a friend because she feels the friend was rude to her. I feel like I’m trying to manage her misunderstandings about her world all the time.

Thank you for the suggestions.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like a cycle of her emotionally manipulating you because it works. Very common with these type of kids.

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/family-accommodation-in-famillies-of-adhd-kids/id1733291140?i=1000674141662

This was a great episode. So much parenting advice is geared towards empathizing with our kids. It's clearly gotten out of hand and now we're supposed to act as some sort of servant always pliant and available.

It's not sustainable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like a cycle of her emotionally manipulating you because it works. Very common with these type of kids.

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/family-accommodation-in-famillies-of-adhd-kids/id1733291140?i=1000674141662

This was a great episode. So much parenting advice is geared towards empathizing with our kids. It's clearly gotten out of hand and now we're supposed to act as some sort of servant always pliant and available.

It's not sustainable.

Thank you! This is helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let her do things that are ok (doodle in margins) and give her alternatives for things that are not ("I don't want to be tapped by the workbook, but you can tap it on the table" or whatever). For the reviewing the homework helper, explain when she is calm that you will always look at it so you can teach her the same way she's learning in school. And then always look at it so it becomes part of the routine.

This sounds similar to our ADHD kid last year and this year we haven't had all the drama. I checked with teacher about the doodles and they didn't see them as a problem as long as the work was done. We ended up time boxing homework. It gave it an end to see the visual timer going. Also teacher said the homework at that time was to get used to doing homework thus ok if not done at home, it would be the extra work during school at the right time. We got through the other side. Child's therapist at the time said the mean mom comments would be temporary and they were. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let her do things that are ok (doodle in margins) and give her alternatives for things that are not ("I don't want to be tapped by the workbook, but you can tap it on the table" or whatever). For the reviewing the homework helper, explain when she is calm that you will always look at it so you can teach her the same way she's learning in school. And then always look at it so it becomes part of the routine.

This sounds similar to our ADHD kid last year and this year we haven't had all the drama. I checked with teacher about the doodles and they didn't see them as a problem as long as the work was done. We ended up time boxing homework. It gave it an end to see the visual timer going. Also teacher said the homework at that time was to get used to doing homework thus ok if not done at home, it would be the extra work during school at the right time. We got through the other side. Child's therapist at the time said the mean mom comments would be temporary and they were. Good luck.

Thanks! I like the time boxing idea. I don’t think I described the doodling accurately. She is normally a doodler. This was more like aggressive pencil strokes on the edges of the page. The was combined with ripping the edges off the pages and saying unpleasant things to me, as well as occasionally crying (her, not me). She was also using a very sharp warning tone. It was way too much and I am embarrassed that I was so patient with it all. I must not become her doormat.

I gave her the heads up this morning that I can only sit with her if she is pleasant. I will walk away when it becomes unpleasant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds less like anxiety and more like a power dynamic?

Not at all. It's anxiety. Clearly. NP here, but this is classic.

OP here - I have to admit that my daughter was not diagnosed with anxiety. She looked anxious and she made me feel anxious, but this could just be a power dynamic issue.

I have expended tremendous energy since she was 2 years old at skirting around power struggles with humor, distraction, explanation… I used puppets. Sometimes her shoes and socks had a little chat with her when I was desperate. She is all about power struggles and fairness issues.

So, it doesn’t have to be anxiety. Maybe it is just an emotional dysregulation power cycle that I’m trapped in.

Tonight, she was describing to me how she needs to dump a friend because she feels the friend was rude to her. I feel like I’m trying to manage her misunderstandings about her world all the time.

Thank you for the suggestions.

Autism/ADHD comes with anxiety. It's a given. Power struggles happen b/c kids are anxious. Don't give in, set boundaries, etc, but I'd speak to a professional about treating the anxiety behind it. Emotional dysregulation IS disability related - it's not a power struggle. Thinking like this is going to put you two at odds. Kids need boundaries, but they aren't manipulating you on purpose. They are trying to fill an emotional need. I'd bet dollars to donuts its anxiety, w/ an audhd kid it's basically a guarantee.

[Anonymous]

OP does your DD get more Roblox when she finishes her homework faster? If so, you are creating a dynamic where her incentive is to move quickly through the homework, and to bully you into making that happen. Also, it sounds like berating you doesn't result in the loss of Roblox, as long as she completes her homework. I suggest you take a step back and examine how you determine privileges in your family. Also, you describe her as "obsessed". At age 9, she doesn't *need* screen time. Just something to think about.