Considering Private - Where to Start? What am I Even Looking for?

[Anonymous]

I am wondering if I should consider private school for one of my kids for middle school, possibly sooner. I feel completely overwhelmed with where to start and how to figure out if private school will actually be any better. I'm looking for a school with kids that are kind and inclusive. My child's only diagnosis is anxiety, and so far teachers have consistently said they don't see a reason for me to do any testing.

Socially school has always been hard for my child. The first three years they frequently said lots of different kids were mean to them. The teachers said they didn't see this at all. My child likes other kids and talks about their "friends" but there are never any playdate or birthday invitations, and my child has now stopped wanting to play with any school "friends." At one pint I realized "friend" really just meant kids that my child likes and wants to play with, not necessarily a reciprocal friendship.

In the past when I have asked the parent of a classmate to meet at a park there was always a reason the other family couldn't come. Sometimes after three or four invitations a playdate would materialize. For a long time I assumed everyone was busy. Now I'm wondering if people finally made time just so I'd stop asking. My child's anxiety has led to some delays in social skills, which we have and continue to work on. When I have seen my child play with others I have noticed my child can be a bit rigid, like if the other kid wants to play basketball and my kid wants to play tennis, my kid just goes over to the tennis court to play by themselves until I remind them this is a time to be social and compromise, they can play tennis later. Another thing I've noticed is that sometimes my child just keeps advocating for the one activity they want, even when the other child clearly doesn't want to do it. But plenty of times I've noticed my child do whatever the other child wants without presenting what they want. I don't know what to make of it all, or how to find a better fit. I fear middle school could be brutal.

[Anonymous]

Try posting in the Special Needs board instead.

What you describe does seem like a little more than anxiety. The rigidity and also not realizing how odd it is to go play by yourself leaving the other child alone. I would get an evaluation.

[Anonymous]

Well, I think every private school is going to describe itself as kind and inclusive. But if your kid is sending out such clear "I don't want to play with you" messages, other kids will conclude that your kid doesn't want to play with them. A generally inclusive vibe isn't going to overcome this.

It seems like what you want is a school where there is more adult support for kids with delayed social skills.

[Anonymous]

Especially if your child is AFAB, please consider full testing -- you describe a lot of red flags for autism, which is often overlooked in girls or labeled "just" social anxiety.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Try posting in the Special Needs board instead.

What you describe does seem like a little more than anxiety. The rigidity and also not realizing how odd it is to go play by yourself leaving the other child alone. I would get an evaluation.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Especially if your child is AFAB, please consider full testing -- you describe a lot of red flags for autism, which is often overlooked in girls
or labeled "just" social anxiety.

Yes, this. We were shocked at our daughter’s diagnosis at 14 years old, but it made a lot of things to make sense! She is extremely intelligent and social. She was able to mask for a very long time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Try posting in the Special Needs board instead.

What you describe does seem like a little more than anxiety. The rigidity and also not realizing how odd it is to go play by yourself leaving the other child alone. I would get an evaluation.

Get your child tested. My friends kid is like this and high functioning in school with academics but mild autism and social issues exactly like your kid. They are working on social issues.

[Anonymous]

My child is a boy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My child is a boy.

Either way, the rigidity, anxiety, and delayed social skills indicate that an autism evaluation is appropriate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, I think every private school is going to describe itself as kind and inclusive. But if your kid is sending out such clear "I don't want to play with you" messages, other kids will conclude that your kid doesn't want to play with them. A generally inclusive vibe isn't going to overcome this.

It seems like what you want is a school where there is more adult support for kids with delayed social skills.

Yes, thank you for writing that out for me.

[Anonymous]

You described my high-functioning autistic kid.

I definitely suggest testing too.

[Anonymous]

The reason you should get your Child neurological testing is to see what is really going on so you can best help them. What is going to help is a treatment/therapy specific to their situation whether that be for anxiety or other diagnosis(es). A private school is not going be able to help without a diagnosis and quite honestly the school itself is not going to solve these issues. A Social skills group, for example could be something that really helps your child navigate these situations. A small private school will be more attentive to your child needs, but will not be a replacement for therapy.

[Anonymous]

When it comes to social skills, in a big public, only giant issues are flagged and smaller issues get missed. In a traditional private such as Sidwell, smaller issues are flagged but not supported in the sense that a child needs to go elsewhere for support. Furthermore they don’t admit kids where small issues are already flagged and not remediated.

Small privates like Norwood and St Pats do flag and support small issues, but the teachers have traditional teacher training. They are not professionals with training in social issues — ie they are not therapists. They are caring and sometimes that is enough. However sometimes it is not. Sometimes between their caring and their expertise they can recommend and work with good therapists, and that is enough. However sometimes it is not.

Specialized schools such as Green Acres and Deiner do have different levels of therapeutic support. Sometimes it’s just teachers informed by therapists. Sometimes it’s more.

Take a social issue such as bullying. It’s both normal and common but to understand and resolve requires an understanding of human psychology. However most bullies don’t receive therapy, and many simply grow out of it or evolve into the next stage in life. Sometimes this leads to children who grow into adults with complicated issues where therapy takes years. Sometimes the kids grow into adults who are totally fine. It’s hard to know. Traditional teachers have anywhere from 12-24 students a class and are focused on teaching academic or other traditional subjects. This is not their space.

In terms of rigidity, we have known kids who were onlies who simply wanted their own way. However, once they realized they were tired of being lonely, it was like they flipped a switch. They figured out different ways to connect whether through humor or interests. If your child already wants to connect deeply and is having challenges, I would take my child to a respected therapist. Your child might not have the kind of “problem” that’s a red-flag fire, but it can only help a lonely kid. Also the advice being given, such as to compromise, won’t help a child form a connection. A child doesn’t choose playmates based on who compromises. A relationship develops based on who “gets” each other. It’s emotional.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Especially if your child is AFAB, please consider full testing -- you describe a lot of red flags for autism, which is often overlooked in girls or labeled "just" social anxiety.

Girl. Just say girl.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am wondering if I should consider private school for one of my kids for middle school, possibly sooner. I feel completely overwhelmed with where to start and how to figure out if private school will actually be any better. I'm looking for a school with kids that are kind and inclusive. My child's only diagnosis is anxiety, and so far teachers have consistently said they don't see a reason for me to do any testing.

Socially school has always been hard for my child. The first three years they frequently said lots of different kids were mean to them. The teachers said they didn't see this at all. My child likes other kids and talks about their "friends" but there are never any playdate or birthday invitations, and my child has now stopped wanting to play with any school "friends." At one pint I realized "friend" really just meant kids that my child likes and wants to play with, not necessarily a reciprocal friendship.

In the past when I have asked the parent of a classmate to meet at a park there was always a reason the other family couldn't come. Sometimes after three or four invitations a playdate would materialize. For a long time I assumed everyone was busy. Now I'm wondering if people finally made time just so I'd stop asking. My child's anxiety has led to some delays in social skills, which we have and continue to work on. When I have seen my child play with others I have noticed my child can be a bit rigid, like if the other kid wants to play basketball and my kid wants to play tennis, my kid just goes over to the tennis court to play by themselves until I remind them this is a time to be social and compromise, they can play tennis later. Another thing I've noticed is that sometimes my child just keeps advocating for the one activity they want, even when the other child clearly doesn't want to do it. But plenty of times I've noticed my child do whatever the other child wants without presenting what they want. I don't know what to make of it all, or how to find a better fit. I fear middle school could be brutal.

Look into the Sycamore School in Rosslyn (5-12). It fill this niche very well for neurodivergent kids who don't need a full special needs school. The HOS is an educational psychologist by training who can discuss your child's situation in depth.