Is your 8 year old miserable to be around?

[Anonymous]

DD8 is awful to be around most of the time. I know kids whine and complain, but this seems extreme. The complaining and tantrums are nonstop. Sarcastic comments. Telling me to shut up. Screaming at me in public. To the point where at the park today, she was crying and throwing such a fit that a woman tried to intervene.

I feel like I’m living with the spoiled girl from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

I’ve tried all the gentle methods of listening, validating, ignoring, but all it does is get her more worked up.

At dinner tonight she yelled at me to shut up and I kind of lost it myself. I didn’t yell at her, but I had to excuse myself from dinner to go cry in another room and calm myself down.

When I got back, I told her I didn’t want to talk to her the rest of the night. That I would tuck her into bed, but otherwise I didn’t want to be around her and I wouldn’t be reading to her tonight.

Now she’s apologizing and trying to hold my hand but I just feel numb. She very obviously hates me, and I feel like 8 is very young to hit this teenage phase.

I don’t want to withhold affection but I just feel at my limit. I dread picking her up from school and I dread weekends because she’s just MEAN the entire time.

I think screens are part of the problem. I think she’s picked up a lot of her sarcastic commentary from YouTube, which her dad lets her watch as much as she wants. I’m really ready to throw all the screens out just to see if that helps.

Is this normal 8yo behavior? I see other moms going out and having fun with their daughters, and I could never do that because mine would just push buttons and be mean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD8 is awful to be around most of the time. I know kids whine and complain, but this seems extreme. The complaining and tantrums are nonstop. Sarcastic comments. Telling me to shut up. Screaming at me in public. To the point where at the park today, she was crying and throwing such a fit that a woman tried to intervene.

I feel like I’m living with the spoiled girl from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

I’ve tried all the gentle methods of listening, validating, ignoring, but all it does is get her more worked up.

At dinner tonight she yelled at me to shut up and I kind of lost it myself. I didn’t yell at her, but I had to excuse myself from dinner to go cry in another room and calm myself down.

When I got back, I told her I didn’t want to talk to her the rest of the night. That I would tuck her into bed, but otherwise I didn’t want to be around her and I wouldn’t be reading to her tonight.

Now she’s apologizing and trying to hold my hand but I just feel numb. She very obviously hates me, and I feel like 8 is very young to hit this teenage phase.

I don’t want to withhold affection but I just feel at my limit. I dread picking her up from school and I dread weekends because she’s just MEAN the entire time.

I think screens are part of the problem. I think she’s picked up a lot of her sarcastic commentary from YouTube, which her dad lets her watch as much as she wants. I’m really ready to throw all the screens out just to see if that helps.

Is this normal 8yo behavior? I see other moms going out and having fun with their daughters, and I could never do that because mine would just push buttons and be mean.

She should have left the table. Stick to your guns tonight. Tomorrow, tell her that from now on you will not be available if she acts like that. She won't be allowed around you.

Then go get some parenting help.

[Anonymous]

Op, your daughter is acting this way because you are not imposing consequences. This is not normal behavior for an 8yo. Gentle parenting doesn’t always work. Your child is proof that it’s not working for her. Don’t matter what vision you had in your head, you need to go with what works. She’ll be held back in life if she behaves like this. Nobody will employ her if she behaves like this. She’ll get arrested if she behaves like this. You have to give her a reason to change her behavior and you didn’t do that tonight. The good news is that she’s 8, and it’s not too late. You just have to dramatically change your course of action.

I’ll suggest reading The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child.

The Kazdin book reads like a psych textbook. It’s complex. Dense. Meant for tough cases like your daughter. Be sure to watch the videos. I’ve seen it work wonders on kids who were very challenging.

I would also search for PEP parenting. It’s based on Maryland, but the classes are also online. You need a parenting coach.

[Anonymous]

This absolutely is not normal.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like anxiety to me, is she sleeping well?

[Anonymous]

Take away screens!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, your daughter is acting this way because you are not imposing consequences. This is not normal behavior for an 8yo. Gentle parenting doesn’t always work. Your child is proof that it’s not working for her. Don’t matter what vision you had in your head, you need to go with what works. She’ll be held back in life if she behaves like this. Nobody will employ her if she behaves like this. She’ll get arrested if she behaves like this. You have to give her a reason to change her behavior and you didn’t do that tonight. The good news is that she’s 8, and it’s not too late. You just have to dramatically change your course of action.

I’ll suggest reading The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child.

The Kazdin book reads like a psych textbook. It’s complex. Dense. Meant for tough cases like your daughter. Be sure to watch the videos. I’ve seen it work wonders on kids who were very challenging.

I would also search for PEP parenting. It’s based on Maryland, but the classes are also online. You need a parenting coach.

+100
Kids are happier when they know they can’t treat their parents this way.

[Anonymous]

Eight is usually when the start turning a corner and being really great to hang out with. I'm sorry this is happening. I think you need to get some help. This is not normal.

[Anonymous]

This is definitely not normal at all. What punishments does she get for throwing tantrums? When she screams in public is she immediately taken home? Is she sent to her room when she tells you to shut up?

This is not normal. I don't know if she's got some sort of oppositional defiance thing that makes her special needs or you're just spoiling the crap out of her. Definitely get rid of screens (and know things will get worse before they get better, bc it's an addiction so there'll be a withdrawal period) and see where that gets you.

But for the sake of all things holy, PUNISH your kid. If she whines for something THE ANSWER IS NO. If she's fresh she gets sent to her room and told not to come back until she can speak nicely. Consequences are your friend.

[Anonymous]

Not normal. Send her to her room!!

[Anonymous]

Stop the gentle parenting. No more screens. Your DH needs to get on board. Your child is begging for real consequences.

[Anonymous]

There is a level of defiance that is developmentally normal in 8 year olds.

It;s more extreme in your case possible because there's underlying undiagnosed ADHD and anxiety and also you are parenting her in away that is not suited for her personality.
Often times we parents foolish think we decide our parenting style, when it's actually our kids that determine the techniques.
What you are doing with your daughter isn't working.
You need to set firm boundaries with her in regards to behavior. A parenting coach might be helpful. You response to her wasn't good and your actions both before and after tell me there's an emotional imbalance in the home. She doesn't hate you she's an 8 year old who doesn't know how to control her emotions because she hasn't been taught or expected too. She's not your bestie o your partner OP. You are her mom though so you have to step up. And that may mean in addition to a parenting class you get yourself into therapy and deal with your issues that are impacting your parenting.

I may have misread but it seems you and her father don't live together so unless he's generally agreeable it might be impossible to get him to agree on screen time limits at his house. But you can set the limits in your home . Getting rid of or limiting screens only helps if you are willing to set boundaries with her and tell her her behavior is not acceptable.

Also check her diet, I'm not one whis organic everything and no sweets etc ever, but I know some swear by removing red dyes from their kids diet.

The good news is this can turn around.

[Anonymous]

Op, I have an eight year old and I do know kids like this. My DD went through a phase this summer that was not as extreme but has some similar features. Dropping any gentle parenting and being very strict with limits and consequences worked. I also agree screen time is a big culprit. Even Disney has a lot of shows aimed for teens where kids are sarcastic to adults. Cutting that out for my DD and very explicitly telling her I won't be treated like thaf and following through helped a ton.

Also I know it is so hard to be mistreated but remember she doesn't hate you - she is a child who is trying things out. You can turn this around but in the meantime, try to be more neutral in your dealings with her emotionally. Kids take on what you project so if you give off a sense she is a bad kid she will continue to act like one.

[Anonymous]

Gentle parenting does not mean zero consequences.

And withdrawing your forgiveness is a much bigger consequence than withdrawing screens.

Those screens need to GO. Your dh doesn’t get to make all the parenting decisions.

[Anonymous]

My friends DD of the same age is very similar = tantrums, yelling in public, whining, etc. They are in the process of getting a ADHD diagnosis for her. To me, it looks like there is some anxiety as well. My friend is a gentle parent and ignores a lot of what her DD does.

My DD went through a tough stage around 4-6 and I found I had to be much firmer. Things are so much better. Not perfect, as I am still a bit lenient. But my DD is so much better behaved and I don't dread weekends anymore.

Parenting is a marathon, not a sprint. Start clamping down. Take things away, impose rules. It may get worse before things get better.