Communicating with an ex- best practices?

[Anonymous]

When writing to an ex who has written an unsolicited letter, which of the following is the better way to respond:
“We can never communicate again because I am married now.” Or,
“Please don’t communicate with me again. I am now married.”

Or something else?

Unfortunately, not writing back at all is not an option in this situation because the ex enclosed a sentimental item that they asked to be returned.

[Anonymous]

It depends on the intention and knowledge of the sender. How long ago did the relationship end and why are they now contacting you and sending you a sentimental item?

If I thought there was anything other than innocent intentions, I would just return the item with a sticky note that says please do not contact me again.

If I thought there was truly innocent intentions, then I would add a brief note saying I am returning this item to you as I am married now and not interested in reestablishing any kind of connection. I wish you well in life.

[Anonymous]

Good points. I believe the ex was possibly hoping that there was still a chance at a relationship. The ex may or may not have realized a marriage had taken place.

To be fair, it’s not clear whether the ex knew or not. The wedding had only been a couple months before. The ex did know other information which would indicate that the ex knew about the wedding, but let’s give benefit of the doubt that the ex did not know.

[Anonymous]

Just send it back, no note, no discussion. Why the drama. Why did you keep i tso long?

[Anonymous]

I’m married now. Here you go please keep it.

[Anonymous]

The spouse in this situation has a problem with using the pronoun “we.” They are concerned it makes the ex think that they are a “we” which bothers the the spouse.

[Anonymous]

Unfortunately, not writing back at all is not an option in this situation because the ex enclosed a sentimental item that they asked to be returned.

Wait, so the ex sent an unsolicited letter as well as some sentimental object to you, but then is creating some false obligation by mandating you send said object back? And you feel not sending object/not writing back is “not an option” because….the ex deems it so?

Not only is ignoring this person an option, it’s the only course of action. Good lord. Ghost and block. Why do people borrow trouble?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Unfortunately, not writing back at all is not an option in this situation because the ex enclosed a sentimental item that they asked to be returned.

Wait, so the ex sent an unsolicited letter as well as some sentimental object to you, but then is creating some false obligation by mandating you send said object back? And you feel not sending object/not writing back is “not an option” because….the ex deems it so?

Not only is ignoring this person an option, it’s the only course of action. Good lord. Ghost and block. Why do people borrow trouble?

So, the spouse who received the letter from the ex thinks they have to respond because of the item the ex sent. So they respond, and say “we” can’t communicate in the future.
A couple years later, when the spouse finds out about this whole thing, the spouse is not happy about the way the situation was handled.

[Anonymous]

I am married now. No more letters please

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Unfortunately, not writing back at all is not an option in this situation because the ex enclosed a sentimental item that they asked to be returned.

Wait, so the ex sent an unsolicited letter as well as some sentimental object to you, but then is creating some false obligation by mandating you send said object back? And you feel not sending object/not writing back is “not an option” because….the ex deems it so?

Not only is ignoring this person an option, it’s the only course of action. Good lord. Ghost and block. Why do people borrow trouble?

So, the spouse who received the letter from the ex thinks they have to respond because of the item the ex sent. So they respond, and say “we” can’t communicate in the future.
A couple years later, when the spouse finds out about this whole thing, the spouse is not happy about the way the situation was handled.

OP here. Yes, this is the situation. I am not thrilled with how my spouse handled the situation and my spouse doesn’t entirely understand why. From answering the letter at all- especially when the ex had a history of some manipulative actions- to using “we” in the response.

My spouse actually thought I would be happy about the way it had been handled. That’s why we posted this- I started to think that maybe I was being too sensitive about it, so I wanted to run it by some objective outsiders to see if anyone else saw it the way I did. In the long run, the situation was harmless, but I’m glad to hear that I wasn’t totally crazy in the way I saw it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Unfortunately, not writing back at all is not an option in this situation because the ex enclosed a sentimental item that they asked to be returned.

Wait, so the ex sent an unsolicited letter as well as some sentimental object to you, but then is creating some false obligation by mandating you send said object back? And you feel not sending object/not writing back is “not an option” because….the ex deems it so?

Not only is ignoring this person an option, it’s the only course of action. Good lord. Ghost and block. Why do people borrow trouble?

So, the spouse who received the letter from the ex thinks they have to respond because of the item the ex sent. So they respond, and say “we” can’t communicate in the future.
A couple years later, when the spouse finds out about this whole thing, the spouse is not happy about the way the situation was handled.

OP here. Yes, this is the situation. I am not thrilled with how my spouse handled the situation and my spouse doesn’t entirely understand why. From answering the letter at all- especially when the ex had a history of some manipulative actions- to using “we” in the response.

My spouse actually thought I would be happy about the way it had been handled. That’s why we posted this- I started to think that maybe I was being too sensitive about it, so I wanted to run it by some objective outsiders to see if anyone else saw it the way I did. In the long run, the situation was harmless, but I’m glad to hear that I wasn’t totally crazy in the way I saw it.

You do sound a little crazy to be picking this nothingburger fight years later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Unfortunately, not writing back at all is not an option in this situation because the ex enclosed a sentimental item that they asked to be returned.

Wait, so the ex sent an unsolicited letter as well as some sentimental object to you, but then is creating some false obligation by mandating you send said object back? And you feel not sending object/not writing back is “not an option” because….the ex deems it so?

Not only is ignoring this person an option, it’s the only course of action. Good lord. Ghost and block. Why do people borrow trouble?

So, the spouse who received the letter from the ex thinks they have to respond because of the item the ex sent. So they respond, and say “we” can’t communicate in the future.
A couple years later, when the spouse finds out about this whole thing, the spouse is not happy about the way the situation was handled.

OP here. Yes, this is the situation. I am not thrilled with how my spouse handled the situation and my spouse doesn’t entirely understand why. From answering the letter at all- especially when the ex had a history of some manipulative actions- to using “we” in the response.

My spouse actually thought I would be happy about the way it had been handled. That’s why we posted this- I started to think that maybe I was being too sensitive about it, so I wanted to run it by some objective outsiders to see if anyone else saw it the way I did. In the long run, the situation was harmless, but I’m glad to hear that I wasn’t totally crazy in the way I saw it.

You do sound a little crazy to be picking this nothingburger fight years later.

Haha, well, not a fight, just a discussion where we were both surprised that the other had a different take on the situation. We thought it would be interesting to see how other people would interpret it. I totally agree that it’s a nothingburger situation.

[Anonymous]

I think you're overreacting to the use of "we". Your spouse isn't implying there is any we between them and their ex. If their ex feels that way, it's on them. If they tried to contact them again, then your spouse could have shut it down. I really can't imagine being so sensitive over the use of we.

[Anonymous]

I’d ignore it and trash the item.

[Anonymous]

You actually sound insane for getting upset over the use of "we".