Donor egg and bio kid

[Anonymous]

One child conceived with my own eggs via IVF. The embryos we had banked three years ago for a second living child didn’t work out.
Now I’m older and staring down the decision tree: more egg retrievals, donor egg or only child. We’re probably going to try at least one cycle but I’m concerned about my age (41).
My question is for people who have both OE children and DE children. I think I could get over not having the bio link to a DE baby. But I already feel a sense of guilt or something that two children would feel different. Is this common? How did you deal with this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One child conceived with my own eggs via IVF. The embryos we had banked three years ago for a second living child didn’t work out.
Now I’m older and staring down the decision tree: more egg retrievals, donor egg or only child. We’re probably going to try at least one cycle but I’m concerned about my age (41).
My question is for people who have both OE children and DE children. I think I could get over not having the bio link to a DE baby. But I already feel a sense of guilt or something that two children would feel different. Is this common? How did you deal with this?

How many eggs and embryos did you get each cycle last time? Did you do multiple iVF cycles?

[Anonymous]

I would absolutely not have a second or subsequent baby with donor eggs. It creates an incredibly complicated family dynamic that can be harmful to everyone. I’d try as many cycles as you feel comfortable with using your own eggs. If that fails, I’d make peace with having one child.

[Anonymous]

I have a OE son and DE twin sons. I had a similar scenario to the OP, where it was no longer viable to use my own eggs. All three boys are now teens (15-year-old twins, and a 17 year-old). There is absolutely no difference in how I feel about the DE twins. They are 100% my sons. The OE son looks like me and the DE twins look nothing like me, but that is as far as the weirdness goes. I am so happy to have my three boys.

In terms of how the boys feel about it, it basically never comes up. The only time it comes up is when we talk about ethnicity, as I come from one Caribbean island and the donor came from a different island. We will sometimes talk about the differences in ethnicity between me and the donor. As far as they are concerned, I am 100% their mother and I love that! They have never talked about looking for the donor, but if they do, I would support that. I chose a donor who was open to being identified when they got older.

[Anonymous]

Op at 41, i would still try with my own eggs if you are open to that. Im also 41, turning 42 soon and about to start my 1st cycle. Based on my numbers, my Dr is optimistic, so maybe start by getting all the testing done and talk to the RE about what your chances are and options. If you have decent numbers they rarely start with DE but if you feel like you dint wanna go through all of that DE is fine as well and your kids will probably be fine.

[Anonymous]

Why is adoption not on the table? Definitely the better option.

[Anonymous]

Here’s a round table with four women who used donor eggs over 40:
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/over-40-fabulous-and-pregnant/id1649107031?i=1000645027279

One of the women had a genetic link to her first baby but used a donor egg for her second. It seems to have worked well.

Over 40 I understand looking at the odds of success, cost, and physical investment and going straight to donor.

If you have ample financial resources, a body that can withstand another egg collection, a high AF count, and a history of a good blast rate, then of course you can try again. But I really get why a woman would not. GL in your decision!

[Anonymous]

I am in this exact same position. I have a son from prior IVF. just had a failed FET, no more embryos and 41 in the DC area. This is such a hard place to be. I am going to try a few more egg retrievals and quit at my 42nd birthday. I considered donor eggs, even signed up and looked at the options. For me, I would prefer to have genetically similar kids or ok with just having my son - who is hilarious and wonderful and I like to think that is due to his father and me! There is no right answer, just letting you know you are not alone. Take a week to think on it, discuss with your doctor, talk to friends, take care of yourself, workout and eat great food. Sleep. I have found peace in that for now. I wish you all the best of this journey - one that too many of us have also been on and others have no idea what we are going through!

[Anonymous]

My older child is OE, younger child is DE. He is only 6, and while we talk about it and he knows his story, it obviously won't hit him until he's a bit older what it all means.
We are lucky in that my DH is biological and then he has 4 younger siblings who are all adopted and they are very close so it's easy way to have our younger one understand what family means. If we didn't have such a diverse family, I would think it might be harder to explain things. Either way, it was the best decision and as most people say, I wish we did it sooner and didn't waste so much time and money on my OE. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

I have a OE child and just had a DE baby. We did 7 retrievals in my early 40s, no success. It took a long time to decide to pursue DE, but once we got to the point where it was clear that it wasn't going to work with my eggs, it actually made the decision to pursue DE much more straightforward. I wish I had moved forward with DE sooner (which so many people told me was the case for them too), but I am so happy with our little family now.

[Anonymous]

I had my first at 41 via IVF with OE and my second at 43 using DE.
We had tried multiple IVF cycles for the 2nd kid but after one retrieval landed me in the ER, we were ready to move on to DE.
These two kids joined my step daughter to create our family of 3 kids - each having the same genetic material from the male side and each having different genetic material from the female side. All three kids have grown up together, get along really well and feel equally part of the family. My husband and I love each dearly. I know its cliche, but we love them each the same.

For those wondering about adoption, perhaps it has changed since we did this 15 years ago, but adoption agencies did not look kindly on older parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would absolutely not have a second or subsequent baby with donor eggs. It creates an incredibly complicated family dynamic that can be harmful to everyone. I’d try as many cycles as you feel comfortable with using your own eggs. If that fails, I’d make peace with having one child.

This is one view. If it resonates with the OP then okay, that’s fine. Another view is a different 2nd sentence: “It creates an incredible family.” Will wish the OP the courage to see the love and possibilities of donor egg if IVF doesn’t work for her.

[Anonymous]

First OE at 40. Second DE in mid 40s after many many many rounds. They both know, we used a known donor but have no relationship with her. No weirdness. "Our early story was that I tried hard to give #2 my egg. They were all broken and a really nice person gave an egg to #2 instead. I wish it could have been me, but sometimes things don't work like we want. I grew you just like #1 and now I get to be your mom, too." #2 has lots of traits and interests in common with me. The kids have different personalities, which is really nice. Both are well past toddler stage and have a great relationship. All close family also knows. It's not an issue with my parents or the in-laws I'm closer to. If the other in-laws have issues, they are nice enough to keep it to themselves.

#1 did ask blunt ?s - are you really #2s mom, for example. Partly it was out of wanting to understand. Kids r smart, and pecking order is a thing, so it also came up briefly competitively early on. I have made it clear that nothing about my parenting, love or relationship with either is a contest. The kids r different people with different needs. That "contest" or "equal everything" dynamic can exist in any family for so many reasons. DE is one in a long list and no different.

The mental, physical and financial toll of IVF and DE was definitely worth it for us - certainly would have preferred the docs tell me earlier that OE was a lost cause so I could have done DE sooner, but whatever. So cheezy, but I do feel like it worked out for the best. And as some time has passed, I also feel incredibly lucky.

I did spend a lot of time considering DE before doing it. Just with my age at the time, I knew OE would be hard. I had great #s, so I tried OE for a long time while also learning and setting up DE. Now - DE is a fact of our lives and so far it's all as expected. It does come up. It's not hidden (or broadcast) and will never feel like a secret that any of us worry someone will know. I talk to #2 about it several times a year at this point so with age the details, questions and level of understanding gets deeper. I also fully expect that at some point #2 may want to email the donor and register on the sibling registry to see if there are any other kids. DE is not a singularly defining issue for us.

Not for everyone, sure. But if it's actually for you, and you and anyone else parenting the kids (e.g., grandparents that spend significant time with the kids) don't see a DE relationship as lesser (and thereby teaching the kids that - even passively), then already having OE isn't likely to be much of an issue.

[Anonymous]

If you want to hear from adult donor conceived people about this, check out the AskaDCP subreddit for input or do a search to see if there's already answers to this question. From what I have gathered there, there are lots of DCP with a great relationship with their parents. The stories of trauma they share tend to center around not finding out about their donor conception until they're older and/or not being able to connect with genetic family if they want to because of parents choosing anonymous donors. I've seen many DCP say they feel robbed of the chance to know their genetic siblings as children in these cases. If you have room in your heart to see genetic family as cousins of your child almost, and as extra love all around without any threat to you, then it could be a great path for all concerned.

[Anonymous]

You can do a quick and easy refresh of your AMH and FSH to see where they are at.

More on topic, I love my kids (both donor conceived) with my entire heart and would not change a thing. We read “pea that was me” from a very young age to give the kids context.