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[quote=Anonymous]First OE at 40.  Second DE in mid 40s after many many many rounds.  They both know, we used a known donor but have no relationship with her.  No weirdness.  "Our early story was that I tried hard to give #2 my egg.  They were all broken and a really nice person gave an egg to #2 instead.  I wish it could have been me, but sometimes things don't work like we want.  I grew you just like #1 and now I get to be your mom, too."  #2 has lots of traits and interests in common with me.  The kids have different personalities, which is really nice.  Both are well past toddler stage and have a great relationship.  All close family also knows. It's not an issue with my parents or the in-laws I'm closer to.  If the other in-laws have issues, they are nice enough to keep it to themselves.

#1 did ask blunt ?s - are you really #2s mom, for example.  Partly it was out of wanting to understand.  Kids r smart, and pecking order is a thing, so it also came up briefly competitively early on.  I have made it clear that nothing about my parenting, love or relationship with either is a contest.  The kids r different people with different needs.  That "contest" or "equal everything" dynamic can exist in any family for so many reasons.  DE is one in a long list and no different.

The mental, physical and financial toll of IVF and DE was definitely worth it for us - certainly would have preferred the docs tell me earlier that OE was a lost cause so I could have done DE sooner, but whatever.  So cheezy, but I do feel like it worked out for the best.  And as some time has passed, I also feel incredibly lucky.

I did spend a lot of time considering DE before doing it.  Just with my age at the time, I knew OE would be hard.  I had great #s, so I tried OE for a long time while also learning and setting up DE.  Now - DE is a fact of our lives and so far it's all as expected.  It does come up.  It's not hidden (or broadcast) and will never feel like a secret that any of us worry someone will know.  I talk to #2 about it several times a year at this point so with age the details, questions and level of understanding gets deeper.  I also fully expect that at some point #2 may want to email the donor and register on the sibling registry to see if there are any other kids.  DE is not a singularly defining issue for us.

Not for everyone, sure.  But if it's actually for you, and you and anyone else parenting the kids (e.g., grandparents that spend significant time with the kids) don't see a DE relationship as lesser (and thereby teaching the kids that - even passively), then already having OE isn't likely to be much of an issue.

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