IEP team lying

[Anonymous]

My DS is in kindergarten and has an IEP.

Our IEP meeting is tomorrow and I have asked them repeatedly to send the draft and/or any data they are relying on in preparing the IEP.

They don’t respond, or say yes we will send it soon but then they never do.

Then they are lying to my face. I have been pushing for a BIP since the first week of August. I sent two FBAs we have done privately as well as a neuropsych assessment and developmental pediatrician assessment. The school said that none of them was “relevant to what they were seeing in the classroom” and that they had to perform their own assessment with the “District Behavior Team.”

I asked for an update and they said they were waiting for us to provide the updated private FBA and haven’t started anything on their end.

I forwarded them the emails where they said they wouldn’t accept the private FBAs and also the emails where they said they were starting the FBA/data collection back in AUGUST and again in SEPTEMBER. They won’t acknowledge their lie/mistake.

They are now planning to start the 60 day data gathering process.

I am just so frustrated with them. How do I go into this meeting where they are perfectly content to lie to my face and just drag their feet on everything?

[Anonymous]

Document everything they say. Take notes. Ask questions to clarify what they say. “Are you saying that we will meet again before December 23 to review your findings?” Get specifics on the timeline and what will be provided to you before the next meeting. Let them know you expect their report / draft etc 5 days before the meeting so you have ample time to review. Email them after with those same clarifications - “I’m looking forward to reviewing your reports from x and y by the week of the __ and meeting the week of __. I will return the checklists you provided by next week. Etc” Don’t be too wordy; use bullet points.

Idk if they’re purposely trying to screw you or if they don’t know what they’re doing. Or if they’re so overworked they’re dropping the ball, in which case - escalate. Schools wont get the staffing they need until enough parents complain.

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry you’re starting out so badly. But you have to figure out how to turn this around. They won’t and don’t need to. You’re just one family and a second of time for them and this is your life. For the next 13 years. If you can’t do turn it around, you will lose your child’s school years to anger instead of enjoying them.

I am gently suggesting you try to reframe things. Maybe there was a miscommunication not lies. And with miscommunication, there doesn’t need to be blame. Maybe someone unintentionally forgot to send documents home. Try to think the best about them.

I’d also suggest that you educate yourself and that you learn to be precise with communication. Ask questions and get specific information about what is happening when and who has responsibility for what. Ask if they are waiting for anything from you in order for the next steps to occur. At the end of a conversation, summarize and confirm.

My final suggestion is that you not allow the negativity of this site to be your model. There is great information and assistance here. But virtually every post about schools ends up with people bashing those who have had positive experiences.

Hard as it is, I wouldn’t worry too much right now about the lost time. There is plenty of time to make up any lost learning.

[Anonymous]

[twitter]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry you’re starting out so badly. But you have to figure out how to turn this around. They won’t and don’t need to. You’re just one family and a second of time for them and this is your life. For the next 13 years. If you can’t do turn it around, you will lose your child’s school years to anger instead of enjoying them.

I am gently suggesting you try to reframe things. Maybe there was a miscommunication not lies. And with miscommunication, there doesn’t need to be blame. Maybe someone unintentionally forgot to send documents home. Try to think the best about them.

I’d also suggest that you educate yourself and that you learn to be precise with communication. Ask questions and get specific information about what is happening when and who has responsibility for what. Ask if they are waiting for anything from you in order for the next steps to occur. At the end of a conversation, summarize and confirm.

My final suggestion is that you not allow the negativity of this site to be your model. There is great information and assistance here. But virtually every post about schools ends up with people bashing those who have had positive experiences.

Hard as it is, I wouldn’t worry too much right now about the lost time. There is plenty of time to make up any lost learning.

It depends. When you need a FBI there may be time lost to picking up a child which means the child can’t learn and the parent can’t work and the disruption is incredible. Not to mention the setting of a bad pattern for the child. So in that case, the delay is pretty significant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:[twitter]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry you’re starting out so badly. But you have to figure out how to turn this around. They won’t and don’t need to. You’re just one family and a second of time for them and this is your life. For the next 13 years. If you can’t do turn it around, you will lose your child’s school years to anger instead of enjoying them.

I am gently suggesting you try to reframe things. Maybe there was a miscommunication not lies. And with miscommunication, there doesn’t need to be blame. Maybe someone unintentionally forgot to send documents home. Try to think the best about them.

I’d also suggest that you educate yourself and that you learn to be precise with communication. Ask questions and get specific information about what is happening when and who has responsibility for what. Ask if they are waiting for anything from you in order for the next steps to occur. At the end of a conversation, summarize and confirm.

My final suggestion is that you not allow the negativity of this site to be your model. There is great information and assistance here. But virtually every post about schools ends up with people bashing those who have had positive experiences.

Hard as it is, I wouldn’t worry too much right now about the lost time. There is plenty of time to make up any lost learning.

It depends. When you need a FBI there may be time lost to picking up a child which means the child can’t learn and the parent can’t work and the disruption is incredible. Not to mention the setting of a bad pattern for the child. So in that case, the delay is pretty significant.

PP here. Don’t misunderstand me. I’m not downplaying the difficulty. It’s just that I’ve been through 13 years of public school with two special needs kids with tons of challenges and successful Outcomes.

You can’t do anything about the lost time here. My point is that you have around 150 months between start of kindergarten and HS graduation. Let go of the 1% you can’t fix for the greater good of the remaining 99%. And recognize that it is only 1% of the entire experience. Focus on the future and do what you can to make it better. And enjoy the ride. You get one childhood with each of your kids.

[Anonymous]

You hire an advocate and have all communication go through them. What district are you in?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You hire an advocate and have all communication go through them. What district are you in?

Plus one. If you want to stay in public school system then you may need an advocate to support you in IEP meetings sometimes the psychologists who handle your neuropsyche evils can be hired by the hour to come and sit in on the IEP meetings and even the playing field in your students’ favors.

Also OP -
Can you afford a therapeutic private school if things don’t improve? In our experience the IEP meetings and paperwork were often rigid bureaucratic nonsense with pages of pages of jargon to communicate basic actions and goals. The therapies were often very limited and needed a lot of private supplementation anyway .

We went private therapeutic and found the communications, teaching and accommodations to be much more helpful -/ however some public schools do a great job with neuro diverse students so this probably differs school to school and county to county.

[Anonymous]

Are you in Maryland? Teams are required by law to provide the draft five days prior. Ask to reschedule and say you'd like to have a chance to review the draft prior to the meeting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you in Maryland? Teams are required by law to provide the draft five days prior. Ask to reschedule and say you'd like to have a chance to review the draft prior to the meeting.

This. When you do, take the opportunity to ask about the FBA. They should be able to tell you what behaviors they are looking for and what data they are gathering. You should be interviewed. The professionals that did the private FBAs should be interviewed too. Don't wait until the meeting to ask for this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You hire an advocate and have all communication go through them. What district are you in?

Plus one. If you want to stay in public school system then you may need an advocate to support you in IEP meetings sometimes the psychologists who handle your neuropsyche evils can be hired by the hour to come and sit in on the IEP meetings and even the playing field in your students’ favors.

Also OP -
Can you afford a therapeutic private school if things don’t improve? In our experience the IEP meetings and paperwork were often rigid bureaucratic nonsense with pages of pages of jargon to communicate basic actions and goals. The therapies were often very limited and needed a lot of private supplementation anyway .

We went private therapeutic and found the communications, teaching and accommodations to be much more helpful -/ however some public schools do a great job with neuro diverse students so this probably differs school to school and county to county.

Op here. I’m starting to think this is what we should do. I’m not in DC anymore but my son is on the long term care/medicaid type insurance for our state in addition to our private insurance which means that all therapies are free and we don’t even pay a copay. We are authorized up to 40 hours per week of ABA. I want what’s best for my son, but I have to consider my sanity too. This process feels so time consuming for such a small reward. The therapies in school are a joke anyway and we do so much more in private therapy already. I am tired of fighting with the school. Our state has some kind of a voucher program where they will pay for private school but I don’t know how it works exactly. I need to look into it more.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP - welcome to special ed parenting. I recommend hiring an advocate. It won't take away every frustration but it does help to have someone with more experience on your side.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you in Maryland? Teams are required by law to provide the draft five days prior. Ask to reschedule and say you'd like to have a chance to review the draft prior to the meeting.

This. When you do, take the opportunity to ask about the FBA. They should be able to tell you what behaviors they are looking for and what data they are gathering. You should be interviewed. The professionals that did the private FBAs should be interviewed too. Don't wait until the meeting to ask for this.

Op here. I’ve asked for these things no fewer than 5 times (twice in meetings and 3 times over email). Our state doesn’t require them to send the draft IEP prior to the meeting but we are required to be able to participate fully in the process as equal members of the IEP team, so I can argue that’s not happening if I don’t get the IEP in advance.

It’s all so perplexing. I assume they are just incompetent/overwhelmed and not actually malicious but it is confusing how they just yes me to death and then never follow through on their promises.

[Anonymous]

Don’t sign the IEP at the meeting. Insist that they put in the IEP that parent reports that they asked for a draft before the meeting and did not receive it, then take it home for review before signing. Record the whole meeting so you have documented everything you want to say.

[Anonymous]

The reality is that your requests are extremely time consuming and take an extensive amount of time from multiple professionals, and requires multiple (overbooked) professionals to find more time to meet and collaborate. Your team may be doing things behind the scenes for your request, but it’s not completed yet. The reality is that it’s not the school teams fault that schools are not more adequately staffed for higher parent expectations.

School teams consider private assessments. However, many many many private assessments are 1) terrible 2) do not reflect how children perform at school since the assessments are not done in a school and do not collaborate with teachers or school staff 3) are completed by professionals who do not know special education laws or processes and 4) not thorough or relevant for what the school needs. Basically, thank you parents for getting private assessments to help the school team and your child…but the school teams typically still need to conduct their own school assessments to assess educational needs and for educational planning. Private practice providers are not on the educational team and really lack relevant knowledge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
The reality is that your requests are extremely time consuming and take an extensive amount of time from multiple professionals, and requires multiple (overbooked) professionals to find more time to meet and collaborate. Your team may be doing things behind the scenes for your request, but it’s not completed yet. The reality is that it’s not the school teams fault that schools are not more adequately staffed for higher parent expectations.

School teams consider private assessments. However, many many many private assessments are 1) terrible 2) do not reflect how children perform at school since the assessments are not done in a school and do not collaborate with teachers or school staff 3) are completed by professionals who do not know special education laws or processes and 4) not thorough or relevant for what the school needs. Basically, thank you parents for getting private assessments to help the school team and your child…but the school teams typically still need to conduct their own school assessments to assess educational needs and for educational planning. Private practice providers are not on the educational team and really lack relevant knowledge.

Op here. You’re missing the whole point though-the school is simultaneously rejecting my outside assessments while saying that the reason they haven’t started their own assessment is because they were waiting for me to provide updated outside assessments. This is what’s so crazy making. If the school wants to reject my outside assessments, that’s fine, but then they need to initiate their own. Instead they’ve done nothing for the last 2 months.

I get that these professionals don’t have the resources but what am i supposed to do? If I don’t advocate for my son then he’s just going to keep struggling.

I’m thinking to just give up and do private or homeschool or virtual school just because I’m so worn down and he’s only in kindergarten at this point.