Mom's memory is much worse...but she refuses to go to docto

[Anonymous]

I'm looking for practical steps to take to help my mom. She had moderate memory impairment diagnosed about 1.5 years ago. She lives along and was fairly functional.

In the past year, she's gotten much worse with memory and is much worse with paranoia. She called the police a few days ago because she was concerned about my kids (they came over at 1 am...I was out of town with kids, she forgot we werent there), she says her sister is sending horrible emails to everyone about the family, then I'm sending those emails.

First, she was responsive about going to the doctor and spending a few days with me. Now she says she won't go and hangs up on me.

I do have POA, in the event she's incapacitated, but I want everything to be as painless as possible for my mom (and have no idea what to do now).

[Anonymous]

Refusing help is part of her condition. I'm sorry, it's a very hard situation. It's a cruel disease.

[Anonymous]

Would she be ok with a tracker?

Also if she goes to the doctor there are meds that can help to slow the memory loss. I'm sorry and good luck OP!

[Anonymous]

OP here.

My aunt said I should call the police so she can be evaluated by a hospital. That seems very aggressive though.

At what point do you take things yo that level?

[Anonymous]

She needs to be moved. She needs a different living situation. Stop putting that off thinking a diagnosis will matter.

[Anonymous]

Can you trick her into thinking it’s for something else? Can you convince her they can give medication to slow it down? Is there someone else she might listen to?

I’m sorry, OP. If it comes to the worst and you have to force it, think of it like forcing your kids to get their shots; you just have to do what you know is right even if painful in the moment. You sound very loving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Refusing help is part of her condition. I'm sorry, it's a very hard situation. It's a cruel disease.

This.

I'm so sorry. Been there, it's a long hard road. Thinking of you and your mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She needs to be moved. She needs a different living situation. Stop putting that off thinking a diagnosis will matter.

Not everyone with dementia or Alzheimers needs to be moved.

It's a function of your family's means and desires for care. But if she stays home, you will need to hire qualified care for her.

[Anonymous]

OP, don't go nuclear right away.

The statement that stands out to me is that your mom lives alone. Unless and until you yourself go through a week without being with/talking to someone in person, then it is quite possible part of the problem is she simply is spending too much time on her own.

When you don't have anyone to bounce things off it is very easy to ruminate and become paranoid. Especially when you are getting older.

Here's what I'd do: Tell your mom you have some sort of issue at home and you will need her to come and stay with you for a week or so. Be sure to reiterate that you will NOT be taking her to a doctor - and don't. Don't talk about her memory while she is there, just keep things easy and observe her.

During that week try to make her feel as useful and wanted as possible - give her small chores, have kids ask for applicable help with things, take her out shopping, include her in conversations.

See if you notice an improvement after a week or so. If you do, then you know that having more social connection may be helpful and she may not necessarily be at the stage where her memory impairment is rapidly getting worse and she needs full-time care.

Keep in mind that many older adults have memory issues. But other conditions in her life may be a factor.

Loneliness is the worst disease in the world.

[Anonymous]

In my experience a doctor can’t really do anything to help with the memory loss. My mom really settled down once she moved to a place where she got used to the routine. Outside of a set routine she was incredibly anxious and crazy and unsettled. It really is a long hard road. Would she be amenable to moving?

[Anonymous]

OP again. I would like her to move. A week ago she was willing to look at places. I mainly want her to go to the doctors to rule out a UTI and do a med check. (It's very obvious she has memory issues, and she needs much more assistance, whether at home or in a place.)

[Anonymous]

You can't make her go to the doctor unless you get guardianship over her, and even if you did it probably won't make a difference. Barring something acute like a UTI which seems unlikely because her memory is worsening over a long time, there's no treatment for memory loss that will make it better--at best, you can slow the decline.

It sounds like she's still driving if she came to your house in the middle of the night. That might need to stop, and there are ways in different states to trigger an investigation that will likely lead to her license being rescinded. It's a big step and she will hate you for it, but it's how you keep her from killing herself or someone else because it leads to you helping her get rid of her car (or seeking guardianship and getting rid of it for her).

You should also look into whether she's leaving the stove on and what you need to do to prevent her burning her house down/having a gas explosion.

All of this is a leadup to the bigger question of whether she can live in her house with an aide visiting, or if she's going to need to move to an assisted living facility or in with a relative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I would like her to move. A week ago she was willing to look at places. I mainly want her to go to the doctors to rule out a UTI and do a med check. (It's very obvious she has memory issues, and she needs much more assistance, whether at home or in a place.)

There are home urine tests for UTIs if she's willing to do one. And if she's willing to have you help her write a message to her doctor through a patient portal, that might be a way to get the meds reviewed without an appointment (you could even call the dr's office and say you'd pay for a telemed appointment if they'll do it that way). That doesn't help with checking the levels of meds in her system, but it could be a start.

[Anonymous]

OP--I wondered if it was a UTI because the paranoia is very extreme and ramped up suddenly.

She didn't drive to my house...she just had the police come by. She drives locally, and seems to be ok with that (or at least she did). Long distances she would have trouble.

[Anonymous]

Can you just make her an appointment and act like she already agreed to it? Or will that backfire?

"Mom remember we made the appointment last week. It's just a check up, nothing serious". Talk to the doctor ahead of time with your concerns so they are prepared.