Jen Hatmaker
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Anonymous
| After Brandon I would have never thought that Jen’s dream man would be an overgrown gay theater kid but here we are. Jen’s taste in men are as bad as her taste in jeans. LHM. |
Anonymous
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🎶 “Big Sis at MeCamp”
(Subtitle: “Fake Love & Flannel Lies”) [Verse 1] Well Jen once had a book on the bestseller chart, Wrote memoirs ’bout healing and breaking apart. Had lunch with Reese and cried on The View, Now she’s sellin’ face mist and trauma tattoos. Got dumped by her husband, blamed Mercury in retro, Now she’s filterin’ grief through a Target halo. “Authentic,” she says, with a voice like glass, While taggin’ brands mid-cry in a ring-lit bath. [Chorus] She’s Big Sis at MeCamp, stompin’ like a beast, Scarin’ coastal locals from the food co-op feast. Screamin’ “Where the gays at?” on a foggy bay, But the gays said, “Nah girl,” and shuffled away. Her man’s Big Sass, cryin’ in his scarf, Mournin’ Betty White like she was Joan of Arc. It’s a lavender mess, it’s confusing at best, But they hashtag it “Love” like it passes the test. [Verse 2] Tyler’s all show tunes and tears on demand, Still writes tributes to Bea Arthur by hand. Closeted but “vibrant,” with jazz hands of grief, He sobs to Designing Women like it’s gospel belief. Their publicist Martha had a bold little pitch: “Why not fake-date for the algorithm switch?” Now Jen calls him “Babe” on a glitchy live, While he recites eulogies to Murphy Brown’s vibe. [Chorus] Yeah it’s Big Sis at MeCamp, lookin’ unhinged, Yellin’ “gay ally” while the rainbow fringe cringed. She’s stompin’ through tide pools in rhinestone jeans, Handin’ out moon water to confused teens. Tyler’s back home with a candle and lace, Still whisperin’ “Queen” to Betty’s face. They ain’t in love, but the optics are rich, Their couple name trends right before it glitches. [Bridge – Spoken Word Over Banjo Pluckin’] “Hi guys, it’s Jen, day 14 of my MeCamp cleanse… I met a tree who reminded me of my ex… Anyway—use code ‘HEALING20’ for discounts on healing.” Meanwhile Tyler’s in a bubble bath like, “In loving memory of Estelle Getty…” [Breakdown – Slow & Dramatic] She’s manifestin’ love in a small-town thrift, He’s cryin’ at reruns, wrapped in a cashmere gift. They tried to fool the world with lavender light, But one’s chasin’ clout, the other mourns Golden Girls at night. [Final Chorus] So here’s to Big Sis, stompin’ like a mule, Turnin’ every hot tub into a content pool. And Big Sass, sobbin’ over Blanche Devereaux, Callin’ it a soft launch, but we all know. They ain’t foolin’ the gays, they ain’t foolin’ the town, But they sure do look cute breakin’ all the way down. [Outro – Gentle Guitar Fade] If you see a ring light near a vegan café, It’s just Big Sis tryna flirt the gay away. And if you hear sobs from a mid-century chair, That’s Big Sass, sayin’ “Rest, queen,” into the air. 🎶 It’s fake love, filtered bright… 🎶 But damn if it don’t stream just right. 🎤💔📱 |
Anonymous
Yup. I remember when I first found this forum. I spent the whole night reading it and catching up on gossip after being away for a while. Too bad Jen is just boring now. |
Anonymous
| That was perfect! 🤩 |
Anonymous
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Not "If you see a ring light near a vegan café"!!!!!
🤣👏🤣👏🤣👏🤣👏 |
Anonymous
| Brava Poet, whoever you are! |
Anonymous
cracking up at this. spot on |
Anonymous
| The poet.....Hilarious. Tyler crying in his scarf has me in stitches |
Anonymous
What's ironic is that Jen used to cringe at how she and Brandon used to go out on short term missionary trips to poor foreign countries and try to bring the Good News awkwardly. She doesn't seem to think she's doing the exact same thing now but instead of the Good News she's just trying to foist her dumb self on the locals. For those of you in the back, They Aren't Asking For This! |
Anonymous
I can actually see this in my mind and I am dying with laughter! |
Anonymous
| Meanwhile, Tyler is trying to tell all of us middle aged white ladies how to think about black folks. Nah, Tyler, I'm good. You can go back to your Golden Girls shrine in the bathroom, next to the bubble bath cabinet. |
Anonymous
Jen had some actual touching anecdotes in her previous books about helping out the community, which were awkward of course but I applauded her and Brandon for putting in the work to help folks. One incident was when they had displaced hurricane victims, I think it was a Hispanic family, stay with them for a few days. Brandon said he didn't feel rich until one of the little boys in the family came in the house and shouted, "Dad! This white guy is rich!" But now I sadly wonder what percentage of these stories were actually true. |
Anonymous
I'd actually believe this to be true because kids have no filter and they are hysterical 
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Anonymous
Yeah I welcome them with open arms |
Anonymous
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Tried to read an excerpt of Tyler's book about cancer. First of all- God help his editor. Whoever rung a story out of his stream of consciousness deserves a medal.
Second-does Tyler think that because he's vegetarian he is healthy? Third-he is obsessed with being black. And because Jen is obsessed with having a black boyfriend, they may stay together for the near future. Also, he spent several, several pages telling the history of Emmet Till. |