Aggressive unfriendliness in reformed churches

[Anonymous]

Referring to evangelical churches of the reformed tradition...

I have attended a few over the past 20 years or so, and in the more recent years, when visiting a new church, people are what I call aggressively unfriendly. They do not greet or introduce themselves to visitors. As a new person, if sitting next to a member I will introduce myself, they will say hello my name is so and so, and then walk away. One lady I introduced myself to said how long have you been going here and I said a few months and she didn't even respond, just smiled, and began talking to a friend of hers. A person I had a prior connection to introduced me to a church member and this church member never looked me in the eye as I tried to make conversation.

I am single and middle aged, maybe that is the issue.

Church wasn't like this before. Culture has changed. Why?

[Anonymous]

I've been in evangelical churches my whole life and have no idea what you are talking about. Ifou mean "Evangelical and Reformed", it no longer exists. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Evangelical_and_Reformed_Church. And everyone in my evangelical churches make a point of being very friendly and welcoming.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've been in evangelical churches my whole life and have no idea what you are talking about. Ifou mean "Evangelical and Reformed", it no longer exists. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Evangelical_and_Reformed_Church. And everyone in my evangelical churches make a point of being very friendly and welcoming.

Sounds like you are not part of evangelical churches that are part of the reformed movement, so yes, what I am discussing is unfamiliar to you. I am not trying to be snarky, I see where you are coming from, you probably can't imagine people in a church behaving as I have described, but yes, they do.

[Anonymous]

Friendly, Christ-like people in the reformed tradition are that way despite, not because of, their theology. Calvin’s god is a monster.

[Anonymous]

TBH, I'm such an introvert that I don't want people coming up to me constantly in a new church. But maybe that's just me.

[Anonymous]

I’m not evangelical but I struggle with interacting with new people.
Because of work I only go to Church twice a month so sometimes I’m not sure if someone is new or I just haven’t seen them before. So k get all anxious about saying hi, I worry I’ll get stuck taking to them forever, or ask questions I don’t know the answer to.
I know I should be more welcoming but it’s hard.
I do better with people with kids, they stand out more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not evangelical but I struggle with interacting with new people.
Because of work I only go to Church twice a month so sometimes I’m not sure if someone is new or I just haven’t seen them before. So k get all anxious about saying hi, I worry I’ll get stuck taking to them forever, or ask questions I don’t know the answer to.
I know I should be more welcoming but it’s hard.
I do better with people with kids, they stand out more.

How do people with kids stand our more?

[Anonymous]

I was head usher at a liberal denominational church for several years until recently, so I had my eye on this kind of thing at our church.

Not much better in ours, unless the newcomer was part of a really attractive family, or something. Very high school type stuff. Cliques. People just not interested in newcomers. It's unfortunate. That kind of atmosphere is one of the reasons I'm no longer there.

But at any rate, this type of thing is not limited to the conservative churches.

[Anonymous]

My issue with welcoming newcomers is that despite attending for over a year, I don’t know many people and can’t tell who is new. Post-pandemic in-person attendance has been very spotty, too, which makes recognizing the regulars vs visitors even more difficult.

[Anonymous]

For PPs who don't know what Reformed is, it's denominations in the Calvinist tradition. Think non-mainline Presbyterians and probably other NAPARC churches (https://www.naparc.org/).

I was in the Reformed tradition for the vast majority of my life (Anglican now).

In my experience the Reformed tradition attracts heady intellectuals who are socially awkward. There was a brief point in the 2010s when John Piper and the like made the theology cool, so maybe there were a few more outgoing people attracted to Reformed churches. But then a lot of that crashed and burned - sometimes in ugly ways, sometimes just the coolness wore off - and now I think it's back to being the social introverts and theological nerds.

So my personal opinion is that it's not intentional. It's just how these churches work. And yes they should work on it. My parents mentioned recently showing up at a PCA church where the pastor told them the church had baptized 10 new adult converts in a calendar year. My dad was like, "I don't think any of our previous Presbyterian churches baptized 10 new adults combined."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Friendly, Christ-like people in the reformed tradition are that way despite, not because of, their theology. Calvin’s god is a monster.

Yikes. You really don't understand John Calvin, do you.
-lifelong Calvinist

[Anonymous]

From your detailed description, these people seem quite normal, and not at all unfriendly. What were you expecting, OP?

If you want aggressive friendliness, become a Mormon. Man, are they insistent and perpetually smiley and polite!

[Anonymous]

I mean, people suck. We're a terrible species.

Down with people. Thumbs down. TWO thumbs down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean, people suck. We're a terrible species.

Down with people. Thumbs down. TWO thumbs down.

Now this sounds like a Calvinist. Total Depravity FTW!

[Anonymous]

This is what attracted my DH to going to a reformed church. He didn't want people all up in his business. He didn't want people approaching him. We've now been members 20 years, and I have made a few friends but mostly acquaintances, and that is not a complaint. I volunteer regularly there though, so I feel a part of the community.