Telling adult children about health diagnosis

[Anonymous]

I’m debating how to tell my adult children I have leukemia. One is newly engaged and all of us are so excited about that.
My disease is treatable but life might look different for us for a while.
I still want them all to come home for the holidays and not treat me differently.
And of course I don’t want them to be sad.
Anyone else had to navigate this?

[Anonymous]

Why don't you want themto experience completely normal and healthy human emotions?

They are adults. Life has ups and downs and you are their mother. As a family you should be supporting each other and going through things together. Of course they will feel sad and want to be there for you in a different way. They are humans and assuming you have raised them tobe decent humans - they will act decently andbe concerned.

They likely will have far less healthy emotions if you keep it from them and it gets sprung on them much later and they are hurt and upset you didn't trust them to support you.

[Anonymous]

Phrase it just as you said here, that it's treatable but life will look a bit different for a while. You seem to have a good spirit and ask that they help keep you buoyed. You'll find they become good helps and diversions as you go through treatment, and your relationships will grow as you face this together. There's no way to escape some sadness, but we all feel sad when someone we love is struggling. But reframe this as purposeful - the treatment is a tough means to a good, healthy result. The holidays can still be very special even if they're different. It's a good time to add some new traditions.

[Anonymous]

Thank you!
The days of me putting up four trees are done.

[Anonymous]

You need to tell them. It’s part of life and you deserve their emotional support and understanding - just as they deserve to be treated as adults.

[Anonymous]

I agree with other posters. They deserve to know, and you deserve to have their support.

Good luck to you. From what I have heard, it really is a disease that you can manage, while living a full life.
🤗

[Anonymous]

Think of it in this way: if one of your children were diagnosed with cancer, would you prefer they keep the news from you to spare your feelings?

[Anonymous]

tell them - all of them, please. it's okay for you to have/want some normal time but it will be easier for everyone in the long run if they know. and maybe it will change what holiday plans or wedding plans seem important. people will surprise you if you let them.

[Anonymous]

My mom passed away from a rare and aggressive cancer. She called each of us and told us as when her doctor referred to a cancer hospital (it was presumed cancer based on the size of the mass). She reallly had to tell us because it involved surgery and chemotherapy.

I would say it's a better idea to tell them because you don't want to make up excuses when you get really tired or don't feel great.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry for your illness. It is better to tell them soon, than tell them in the perfect way.

My mom did not want to disclose her neurological illness to me and my sister until she could tell both of us at the same time in person - that ended up being two years after diagnosis! And we had a lot of confusion and anger about her behavior changes in the meanwhile.

[Anonymous]

Tell them! They want to know and be able to support you. Of course, they'll be worried and sad - because they love you! But that's the cost of love. It's not a bad thing to have illnesses and problems. They will feel like you robbed them of the chance to support you and to appreciate the time together if you don't tell them.

I had a friend whose mom didn't tell her she was very sick. Then she collapsed and went into a coma, and it was devastating not to be able to have known this was a possibility and to have had those final conversations with her. I know your situation is different - luckily! - but it's so much better for them to be able to be there with you through this.

[Anonymous]

What is the prognosis. For some types, you may live many, many decades -- so not much different.

When telling them you must include all the best case scenarios.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is the prognosis. For some types, you may live many, many decades -- so not much different.

When telling them you must include all the best case scenarios.

No, tell the truth. You give all the scenarios, not just the best one.

[Anonymous]

Tell them.

I had a friend who didn’t tell her kids. You can’t imagine the hurt, stress, shock and surprise they felt. She withheld information that they very much needed to know - to help her and at the very least to process themselves - and it damaged the family immeasurably when she kept that from them.

I can’t imagine how hurt kids would feel thinking you suffered alone. Or how angry they might feel that you thought they couldn’t handle the pain that comes from loving and living life. Give them credit and tell them.

[Anonymous]

My mom doesn’t tell us about medical problems she has. My dad tells us, matter of fact, about his. They are both in their mid 80s. As a result of my mom’s “everyone should be happy” attitude/withholding, we are always guessing, anxious and, I hate to say it, annoyed to the point of angry at her. My dad, on the other hand, is in this respect easier - we then can manage and help him manage his maladies. There is no greater feeling than helping a parent. There are many reasons to tell your kids. None not to.