Does anyone else hate double dates?

[Anonymous]

My husband is very extroverted, I am much more introverted and reserved. He has a number of friends from college, work, etc. and regularly spends time with them. Over the last couple of years, more and more of them have begun dating seriously and entering into relationships, and will ask us to spend time with them as a couple.

I've realized I can't stand these get togethers. 99% of the time, my husband and his friend will spend hours talking about work/their common interests while I have to make awkward small talk with the friend's significant other. I find this so draining and quite frankly, would rather be home on my couch, and I imagine the other partner feels the same way. I finally have started declining these invitations, encouraging my husband to still go solo, and often, either he does not want to go or the other couple says 'let's reschedule when Larla is free!"

I am glad my husband has so many good friends and have zero issue with him getting together with them (we don't have kids yet, so the time isn't an issue) - I just don't want to go.

Am I being unreasonable here?

[Anonymous]

I don't think you're being unreasonable, but I also think you should go at least some of the time. I am also introvert, but I was married to another introvert. He passed away a couple of years ago, and I crave company now. I do get out and do things with friends, but I would love more than anything to go on a double date.

[Anonymous]

I hate that as well. I think it's only enjoyable for curious extroverts who will chat with anyone. I hate most adult socializing. I want to do the sitting on the couch thing with a good friend, go for a walk, a movie...anything else just sucks. And once you have kids, the forced time with other moms is just as bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you're being unreasonable, but I also think you should go at least some of the time. I am also introvert, but I was married to another introvert. He passed away a couple of years ago, and I crave company now. I do get out and do things with friends, but I would love more than anything to go on a double date.

I am so sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hate that as well. I think it's only enjoyable for curious extroverts who will chat with anyone. I hate most adult socializing. I want to do the sitting on the couch thing with a good friend, go for a walk, a movie...anything else just sucks. And once you have kids, the forced time with other moms is just as bad.

OP and YES. I have a small group of close friends and love 1:1 get togethers.

[Anonymous]

I am an introvert, but 2 on 2 dates are small enough for me to feel comfortable. It sounds like your declining these dates is putting a crimp in your husband's social life. Can you say yes half the time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am an introvert, but 2 on 2 dates are small enough for me to feel comfortable. It sounds like your declining these dates is putting a crimp in your husband's social life. Can you say yes half the time?

I am fine with my husband going solo. If two people are going to talk about things for hours that aren’t relevant to the general group, it really makes more sense for them to just get together 1:1, I feel like.

[Anonymous]

I understand you being drained from these... small talk is boring and draining for introverts. Would it be better if there was another person you liked and would enjoy talking too? Maybe invite this person/couple to the double dates?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am an introvert, but 2 on 2 dates are small enough for me to feel comfortable. It sounds like your declining these dates is putting a crimp in your husband's social life. Can you say yes half the time?

I am fine with my husband going solo. If two people are going to talk about things for hours that aren’t relevant to the general group, it really makes more sense for them to just get together 1:1, I feel like.

I think you should have a frank talk with your DH about this dynamic. What he and his friends are doing is not socially gracious. They're talking with each other and excluding their partners. In my world, a double date is when all 4 ppl interact. My DH's friend would ask about going ons in my life and vice versa. I may not always hit it off with DH's friends' partners, but at least there would be some connection with the friend. DH is the same way. He cares about his friends, so he wants to know their partners too.

If your DH wants to catch up with friend only and ignores the partner, then he should suggest guys only get togethers. If he makes an effort to include the partners in conversations you can meet him halfway by attending some times.

[Anonymous]

As a fellow introvert, I actually prefer one couple dinners over parties with several couples or more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am an introvert, but 2 on 2 dates are small enough for me to feel comfortable. It sounds like your declining these dates is putting a crimp in your husband's social life. Can you say yes half the time?

I am fine with my husband going solo. If two people are going to talk about things for hours that aren’t relevant to the general group, it really makes more sense for them to just get together 1:1, I feel like.

I think you should have a frank talk with your DH about this dynamic. What he and his friends are doing is not socially gracious. They're talking with each other and excluding their partners. In my world, a double date is when all 4 ppl interact. My DH's friend would ask about going ons in my life and vice versa. I may not always hit it off with DH's friends' partners, but at least there would be some connection with the friend. DH is the same way. He cares about his friends, so he wants to know their partners too.

If your DH wants to catch up with friend only and ignores the partner, then he should suggest guys only get togethers. If he makes an effort to include the partners in conversations you can meet him halfway by attending some times.

This is my issue. The dynamic is such that I’m forced to have a 1:1, lengthy conversation, with someone I don’t know and have nothing in common with.

[Anonymous]

I'd agree to go out with the other couples when I genuinely like and enjoy BOTH people. If I don't like both of them, my DH goes hangs out with the hubby alone. He has 1 or 2 friends who are married to women I do not click with at all. So we don't hang out as couples.

Having kids helps this too. I always have an out! Double dates plunge once babies start because someone is always home with the kids.

[Anonymous]

You can have boundaries around it, but I think it's unreasonable to NEVER go on these outings. Part of being a couple is doing things you may not like.

H's friends have big parties for football games where everyone brings their wife & kids. I hate football and dislike these parties, but I still go once a month or so. Similarly, H hates going to the movies, and especially hates the movies I like (romance & superhero), but he also sucks it up and goes about once a month,

You can set limits like only going once a month, and limiting it to 2 hours. But I'd be pretty upset if my partner refused to do things I enjoy. What's even the point of being in a relationship?

[Anonymous]

I get how draining it is.

But, it can sometimes take a few rounds of small talk to break through friendship. And you don’t know who you might hit it off with. I agree with other posters about maybe negotiating frequency restrictions around this but trying to stay open to it? Also what are you doing on these dates -can you introduce something in the planning that gives you common foundation (going to a sports game, a theater show, a board game or art night, a cocktail tasting, comedy club, etc) to discuss over dinner afterward?

Funny enough I’m in a different part of my life where I very much prefer double dates to just being out with my partner.

[Anonymous]

You need to compromise and agree on having one per month (or whatever you can bear), not more.