Yours, mine, and ours—Does it ever work?

[Anonymous]

I’m in a very serious relationship with a man who has two children (6 and 9) and I have a child (5). We’ve discussed having one more child, or as he says “our” child. I would like to have another, but the more I parent alongside him, and the more he says things like “our” and “your” and “my”, and things like “it’ll be nice to have our child here 24/7”, the more I am questioning having a fourth child.

I love his children, but not the same as I love my child. I’m sure I would love “our” child differently, too. I wonder if both of our feelings about each other’s children would change, too, if we had a child together.

So here I am. Share the good, bad, and ugly.

[Anonymous]

Very serious? How serious? Do you live together? How much are the kids with you guys? Do you intend to get married?

I wouldn’t add another child to this dynamic. I don’t think it’s very nice to call the kids “yours” and “mine.” You’re both already being stingy with your love. Save up money for therapy for the kids.

[Anonymous]

4 kids is a lot, financially and logistically. Can you really handle that?
Whether it works has a lot to do with the temperaments of the older kids. Are they completely well adjusted now? If so, it could work. If they’re already struggling with 2 homes and step parents, probably not.

[Anonymous]

Blended families have such a high divorce rate. Please look into this as much as possible in advance. The reason for the divorce rates is because both you and your partner will frequently be put in lose/lose situations. Example: your kid is accused by his kid of doing something crappy. Your kid says his kid is lying. He believes his kid. If you discipline your kid, your kid will say and feel you chose him over your bio kid, and feel betrayed and abandoned. You don’t punish your kid, it builds resentment with your partner and his kid. You literally can’t win.

Add on top of that, kids WILL test you and manipulate both of you for attention and to test your bonds.

I’d say that if you truly love him but you are just fine that his kids happen to be part of the package deal, keep dating, do joint trips, joint meals, etc but keep your living situation separate until the kids are gone. You could always get apartments in the same building or something.

[Anonymous]

If all the kids aren't "our" kids, you have a man with kids, not a husband.

Blended family needs to be exactly that: we're family. Us. We. Ours. Yes, there are technical details and exes and shared custody to work with, but those are OUR problems and WE manage them. Together.

He's telling you a lot with his choice of words. Listen. And really think about how you feel about "his" kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If all the kids aren't "our" kids, you have a man with kids, not a husband.

Blended family needs to be exactly that: we're family. Us. We. Ours. Yes, there are technical details and exes and shared custody to work with, but those are OUR problems and WE manage them. Together.

He's telling you a lot with his choice of words. Listen. And really think about how you feel about "his" kids.

+100

You already have 3 kids, and you should accept that fact before having more. He has a sperm spreading fetish.

[Anonymous]

I think people who do this are so f$&ed up tbh.

[Anonymous]

I was the oldest in a blended family with yours mine and ours. The only way it worked at all was that our parents treated us all as 100% "ours." That said, it was hard for everyone. Really hard.