From Dad, right to Mom...I'm so tired

[Anonymous]

I'm the middle aged DD, still raising a minor child (I'm a sandwich LOL).

Dad passed away in April, he had Parkinsons (I posted about him here). Mom is 78. Two years ago now, Dad fell and knocked her down, necessitating a hip replacement. They both went to rehab for about 6 weeks, and Mom was not super cooperative with it, but did get walking again at least. I saw them daily there (I live locally and see them/her daily) and the staff was very concerned about her lack of participation.

Since then we were pretty consumed with Dad's failing health. Mom had put off her own health stuff, such as a badly needed shoulder replacement. I also realized, after our trip up north for Dad's interrment, that Mom really never did get good walking back, she sort of stumbles along. She had the shoulder replacement in July, and while in pre-op, we discovered high blood sugar. This was another thing she sort of ignored.

So after the surgery, the surgeon (a quirky but helpful guy) arranged her to see a dr about the diabetes and arranged physical therapy to come to the house for her walking (he was her hip surgeon also). So now she's testing daily and is on Ozympic, which seems to help, we are still learning diabetes management.

The therapist was coming twice a week. Again, she is somewhat resistant. He had her do a leg lift to the side and she claims 'pain' which is probably muscle pain since she's barely mobile. I told her, call the dr but you still need to do therapy (which is exactly what he said). I told her I wanted to be there for a therapy session if he came on my day off, so I could talk to him about the therapy. On Wed. I was off and at Mom's house when he called to say he was coming. Mom declined! I was like, Mom I am LITERALLY right here and you know I wanted to see him! I asked her, what is your plan to regain mobility? It's two years out now, you should be walking well. Her dr has said this, even her cousin who had it done the same summer she did told her she NEEDS to do therapy. She has to use it or lose it (been told this multiple times by several providers).

She then got mean with me, saying I say the same thing over and over, and that she'll do it when she's ready. I was so mad. I give up a lot of my very limited time to help with her stuff and also help maintain her home. My own mental health is crap. I can't believe I went right from the stress of Dad's situation , to this. I can't get a break.

Oh, she also needs hearing aids-and hearing is important for cognition and balance-but she won't get them 'until I get some of this done' meaning the therapy that she won't do. I'm so frustrated, and not really talking to her right now except when I go to her house daily to do things (like roll the garbage can down or lift things or whatever).

Of course she doesn't talk to my brother this way, because he comes into town a few times a year and isn't the one who has to deal with everything!

[Anonymous]

Are they destitute?

Hire someone to go daily.

My parents had a meager lifestyle and we could use their money to hire help no problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I'm the middle aged DD, still raising a minor child (I'm a sandwich LOL).

Dad passed away in April, he had Parkinsons (I posted about him here). Mom is 78. Two years ago now, Dad fell and knocked her down, necessitating a hip replacement. They both went to rehab for about 6 weeks, and Mom was not super cooperative with it, but did get walking again at least. I saw them daily there (I live locally and see them/her daily) and the staff was very concerned about her lack of participation.

Since then we were pretty consumed with Dad's failing health. Mom had put off her own health stuff, such as a badly needed shoulder replacement. I also realized, after our trip up north for Dad's interrment, that Mom really never did get good walking back, she sort of stumbles along. She had the shoulder replacement in July, and while in pre-op, we discovered high blood sugar. This was another thing she sort of ignored.

So after the surgery, the surgeon (a quirky but helpful guy) arranged her to see a dr about the diabetes and arranged physical therapy to come to the house for her walking (he was her hip surgeon also). So now she's testing daily and is on Ozympic, which seems to help, we are still learning diabetes management.

The therapist was coming twice a week. Again, she is somewhat resistant. He had her do a leg lift to the side and she claims 'pain' which is probably muscle pain since she's barely mobile. I told her, call the dr but you still need to do therapy (which is exactly what he said). I told her I wanted to be there for a therapy session if he came on my day off, so I could talk to him about the therapy. On Wed. I was off and at Mom's house when he called to say he was coming. Mom declined! I was like, Mom I am LITERALLY right here and you know I wanted to see him! I asked her, what is your plan to regain mobility? It's two years out now, you should be walking well. Her dr has said this, even her cousin who had it done the same summer she did told her she NEEDS to do therapy. She has to use it or lose it (been told this multiple times by several providers).

She then got mean with me, saying I say the same thing over and over, and that she'll do it when she's ready. I was so mad. I give up a lot of my very limited time to help with her stuff and also help maintain her home. My own mental health is crap. I can't believe I went right from the stress of Dad's situation , to this. I can't get a break.

Oh, she also needs hearing aids-and hearing is important for cognition and balance-but she won't get them 'until I get some of this done' meaning the therapy that she won't do. I'm so frustrated, and not really talking to her right now except when I go to her house daily to do things (like roll the garbage can down or lift things or whatever).

Of course she doesn't talk to my brother this way, because he comes into town a few times a year and isn't the one who has to deal with everything!

I could have written this, OP--very similar to what I just went through, although my mom just passed 2 months ago. It is beyond exhausting, and you have my sympathy.

Sounds like your mom is depressed..who could blame her! Maybe you could speak to the doctor about antidepressants. It really helped with my mom. Also, does she have access to a hobby or social activity now that your dad has passed?

[Anonymous]

Just sending lots of support, OP. I remember your posts about your dad - my mom has Parkinson's, too - and I'm really sorry for your loss, and for your current struggles and stresses.

I think what's frustrating - SO f'in frustrating, SO F'IN FRUSTRATING - is that you can't make your parents do what they don't want to do, even if they should do it.

I know you have very little free time, but it might be helpful to talk to a therapist who can help you come to peace, to the extent you can, about that reality.

But mostly just sending you lots of empathy and support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are they destitute?

Hire someone to go daily.

My parents had a meager lifestyle and we could use their money to hire help no problem.

She would never let me do that. I had to insist on help for my very disabled dad ( when he was alive).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I'm the middle aged DD, still raising a minor child (I'm a sandwich LOL).

Dad passed away in April, he had Parkinsons (I posted about him here). Mom is 78. Two years ago now, Dad fell and knocked her down, necessitating a hip replacement. They both went to rehab for about 6 weeks, and Mom was not super cooperative with it, but did get walking again at least. I saw them daily there (I live locally and see them/her daily) and the staff was very concerned about her lack of participation.

Since then we were pretty consumed with Dad's failing health. Mom had put off her own health stuff, such as a badly needed shoulder replacement. I also realized, after our trip up north for Dad's interrment, that Mom really never did get good walking back, she sort of stumbles along. She had the shoulder replacement in July, and while in pre-op, we discovered high blood sugar. This was another thing she sort of ignored.

So after the surgery, the surgeon (a quirky but helpful guy) arranged her to see a dr about the diabetes and arranged physical therapy to come to the house for her walking (he was her hip surgeon also). So now she's testing daily and is on Ozympic, which seems to help, we are still learning diabetes management.

The therapist was coming twice a week. Again, she is somewhat resistant. He had her do a leg lift to the side and she claims 'pain' which is probably muscle pain since she's barely mobile. I told her, call the dr but you still need to do therapy (which is exactly what he said). I told her I wanted to be there for a therapy session if he came on my day off, so I could talk to him about the therapy. On Wed. I was off and at Mom's house when he called to say he was coming. Mom declined! I was like, Mom I am LITERALLY right here and you know I wanted to see him! I asked her, what is your plan to regain mobility? It's two years out now, you should be walking well. Her dr has said this, even her cousin who had it done the same summer she did told her she NEEDS to do therapy. She has to use it or lose it (been told this multiple times by several providers).

She then got mean with me, saying I say the same thing over and over, and that she'll do it when she's ready. I was so mad. I give up a lot of my very limited time to help with her stuff and also help maintain her home. My own mental health is crap. I can't believe I went right from the stress of Dad's situation , to this. I can't get a break.

Oh, she also needs hearing aids-and hearing is important for cognition and balance-but she won't get them 'until I get some of this done' meaning the therapy that she won't do. I'm so frustrated, and not really talking to her right now except when I go to her house daily to do things (like roll the garbage can down or lift things or whatever).

Of course she doesn't talk to my brother this way, because he comes into town a few times a year and isn't the one who has to deal with everything!

I could have written this, OP--very similar to what I just went through, although my mom just passed 2 months ago. It is beyond exhausting, and you have my sympathy.

Sounds like your mom is depressed..who could blame her! Maybe you could speak to the doctor about antidepressants. It really helped with my mom. Also, does she have access to a hobby or social activity now that your dad has passed?

Thank you. I do think she is depressed. She does have a script for paxil, but maybe something else is better? I'll research. No social activity...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just sending lots of support, OP. I remember your posts about your dad - my mom has Parkinson's, too - and I'm really sorry for your loss, and for your current struggles and stresses.

I think what's frustrating - SO f'in frustrating, SO F'IN FRUSTRATING - is that you can't make your parents do what they don't want to do, even if they should do it.

I know you have very little free time, but it might be helpful to talk to a therapist who can help you come to peace, to the extent you can, about that reality.

But mostly just sending you lots of empathy and support.

Thank you! Yes it's soooo frustrating! My adult kid suggested therapy for me LOL but I'd need 28 hours in the day to fit it in.

[Anonymous]

It’s awful when elders make decisions that you know will have a terrible impact. The fact is, competent adults are allowed to make bad decisions, and it doesn’t sound like she has any motivation to change.

I think you are right to speak to her doctor about depression- is there a better medication? But you still won’t be able to make her take it.

She’s probably lost so much muscle mass and balance that starting is overwhelming. I was able to get my grandmother into water PT. If your mom becomes receptive, that might be a place to start.

OP, you are an attentive and loving daughter, but you aren’t responsible for what you can’t control. You need to give yourself a break. You can remain engaged with your mother, you can ask questions, offer suggestions, and then let her no be no.

[Anonymous]

Tell her "pain" isn't an excuse. It's a sign she needs to do the PT.
Or just let her rot.

[Anonymous]

You need to emotionally detach, OP and consider only what's financially sound for your family.

My mother has Multiple Sclerosis, and should have done PT for decades. But she hates being reminded of her disease and so does nothing. I've reminded her again and again. Also I've nagged her about smoking, which she's never stopped. So now she's frail, with decreased lung capacity, limited range of movement and poor muscular form, and dependent on my father, who has started to cognitively decline. It's a slow trainwreck.

It's been years since I stopped caring what my mother does to her health, OP. I care about my father's health, because he's tried to keep himself in shape and deserves it, and he's the only person providing care for my mother right now. It means that his ability to keep going is critical to keeping both of their eldercare costs low, which benefits me indirectly, since I don't want to feel guilty about not paying myself for their basic care. Nursing homes are costly.

[Anonymous]

You need to be zen. This is a marathon not a sprint. And you need to respect her agency.

[Anonymous]

Drop the rope! You've got to put your own health first. She is old and on her way towards the end. Let go.

[Anonymous]

Op, your Brother can be "the heavy", the muscle. Who knows her finances? The two of you come up with a plan, with at most 2 living options. Do all your research. Know that the plan can be executed - all it takes is getting Mom there. And HE makes it happen.

Usually moving them out, you do that first.

[Anonymous]

Hugs op. I hear you. I have Parkinsons dad/dementia mom plus I have kids in middle and high and a very demanding job. I’m so tired. Feels like there will never be a time I can relax. I keep fantasizing about retiring so I can focus on family but we need me to work for 8 more years to cover college and retirement. The next decade is getting kids launched and dealing with parents illness/decline then I’ll probably get 5 good years and drop dead. It struck me that neither of my parents took care of their parents at all. Their parents died quickly in theirs 60s/70s. My mom really never worked and never helped out as a grandparent so she has absolutely no clue what my life is like and expects me to visit daily and be at her beck and call. I just can’t and neither can you.

[Anonymous]

Just don’t do it. She’ll figure it out. Why should this be your burden? YOLO, ya know?