DH WFH but doesn’t clean up after himself

[Anonymous]

My DH has been 100% remote since the pandemic. He even has an office 30 mins away but has no interest in going in, and his boss lets him get away with it. I’m also full time but work a hybrid schedule and have a long commute. Sometimes I don’t even get home until after 7.

Over the past year, he’s been pretty much devolving into a slob, to put it bluntly. I come home and his laundry is in the bathroom. Or plates of food are piled on the dining table and never seem to find their way into the dishwasher. Even trash piles up unless I ask for him to haul it out. His work room is a disaster. He could easily move a lot of his work-related stuff to his unused cubicle at the office but just, won’t, do, it. We have kids and I’ve been getting them in on cleaning more. He doesn’t push them to clean up after themselves, either. If I don’t make demands of them and tell them to pick up their toys and put their laundry in the basket, no one will.

I’m at my wit’s end. When I’ve asked him to handle his laundry he says nothing, gets snide and defensive or says he’ll take care of it later, and then doesn’t. We’re at the point where the only way we’ll have peace is if I shut up, bite the bullet and do the cleaning he doesn’t want to do. Or I go into work no everyday and let him turn the house into a pigsty. I do acknowledge he will take on certain chores that he seems ok with like sweeping or doing his own laundry when he’s desperate, but that’s about it. The gross stuff is often left to me.

Oh, and yes, I’m already paying for a housekeeper.

[Anonymous]

So he wasn't like this before the pandemic? Is he depressed? A lot of folks who are totally WFH let a lot go, and it isn't good.

Have you had a sit down about this? A serious I-can't-live-like-this sit down? Or are you just nagging about the dishes and laundry? Because if it really is a recent development like you imply, it could possibly change with some communication. It's worth a try. Otherwise, you are down to Am-I-Better-Off-With-or-Without-Him?

[Anonymous]

If you've already talked to him about it, I would just leave his laundry and dirty dishes and not clean it up. If he does laundry when he's desperate, then just keep letting him wait till he is desperate.

What sucks is that he is not being a good example to the kids.

[Anonymous]

He may wake up if you express that your life would be a lot easier if you lived separately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He may wake up if you express that your life would be a lot easier if you lived separately.

This lol. Sounds like the marriage is over.

[Anonymous]

A phrase that worked with my DH was "I feel like your maid." It helped him to understand that his behavior was creating a dynamic between us that wasn't going to be great for either of us. Because it's hard to keep the spark alive when you are cleaning up after someone all the time.

Once he understood this he started shaping up.

I also would have absolutely no issue with moving his messes in ways that allow me to have a clean house without cleaning up his junk. I started just throwing all his clothes and shoes and random crap he left everywhere into his closet -- just in a heap on the floor. I didn't want to look at it. When he'd leave random crap all over the tables and other surfaces I'd sweep it into a laundry basket and put it in his closet or in an out of the way place like the garage. Often I'd do this stuff before the housekeeper came and just say I needed her to be able to clean the floors and surfaces so I needed his stuff out of the way.

For the kitchen stuff I'd get him a stack of paper plates and plastic utensils and tell him if he can't clean stuff up he has to use that stuff.

Stay calm and cheerful about it. If he calls you passive aggressive then calmly point out you tried to work with him to come up with a solution you were both happy with but he wouldn't participate so you came up with this. Tell him you'd be happy to re-open negotiations but that you cleaning up after him is not on the table and you living in a pig sty is also not on the table.

Good luck. I blame society for letting men think that being absolutely disgusting is their right. But also it's these individual guys' fault for buying into it. I refuse to put up with it.

[Anonymous]

I'm in the office 5 days/week and DW WFH 4 days/week. There's always dirty dishes piled up when I get home. The clean dishes from the night before have not been put away. The laundry never gets done during her WFH days.

Occasionally I will WFH for a random reason. The amount of stuff I get done between work calls or reading/writing is incredible.