Do you accommodate your kid’s rigidities?

[Anonymous]

DC age 3.5 wants to be tucked in a certain way, and if I do it wrong or the blanket gets messed up before he falls asleep, he will yell for me from his room and ask me to do it again and again.

Today I told him I wasn’t going to do that anymore and he threw an unholy tantrum.

Do you give in to things like this? He is usually pretty flexible but bedtime is when he is the most tired and rigid, but I just didn’t want to keep going into his room 2-3 times to fix a blanket. Tantrum was awful but I did not back down.

[Anonymous]

Yes but I try to break it slowly. Like I'll do it, but with my left hand or 9 instead of 10 or whatever

[Anonymous]

That age is the worst for rigidity. I would humor to a certain extent but I would not go back into the room after he is supposed to be sleeping, for instance. I would warn before leaving, “this is the last time and then I’ll see you in the morning!” and stick to it.

[Anonymous]

+1 that they're very very rigid at that age. I think it's connected to the process of becoming independent, which is both appealing and scary. They need to know there are things they can count on, especially, as you noticed, at the end of the day when they're tired.

I wouldn't go back indefinitely, but I would ease them off it. So if the tucking gets untucked, I might say, "I've done this once and I'll do it again, but that's if for tonight. If it gets untucked again, you'll either have to fix it yourself of sleep with it different."

I might also find out why The Tragic Untucking happened -- scratching a bug bite? having a hard time getting comfortable? jerked awake while nodding off.

Hang in there, OP. Everything got better for me once mine turned 4.

[Anonymous]

You have to choose. Either ignore the screams and make him harden up (and feel less connected to you),
or indulge the whims to make him spoiled and self centered, or work with him to wean himself off of your accomodations and take increasing responsibility for his comfort, one step at a time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DC age 3.5 wants to be tucked in a certain way, and if I do it wrong or the blanket gets messed up before he falls asleep, he will yell for me from his room and ask me to do it again and again.

Today I told him I wasn’t going to do that anymore and he threw an unholy tantrum.

Do you give in to things like this? He is usually pretty flexible but bedtime is when he is the most tired and rigid, but I just didn’t want to keep going into his room 2-3 times to fix a blanket. Tantrum was awful but I did not back down.

What's the certain way?
Does he need the swaddling squeeze to feel secure?
Would a heavier or larger blanket help?

[Anonymous]

Sometimes.
I learned after a few years that one of my kids was legitimately more sensitive to certain foods. Not allergic but more sensitive.
He also seems to have really heightened senses compared to the rest of us as well. For instance, when he was a preschooler, he would point to the ground and say, "Mommy, look at the bug!" I'd look down and not see anything. But once I got on my hands and knees and really looked close at the ground where he was pointing and sure enough there was an very small head-of-a-pin insect on the ground that he could see clearly.

So I learned to respect that he saw the world a little differently and that may be causing what I labeled his "rigidities." He's grown out of most of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes.
I learned after a few years that one of my kids was legitimately more sensitive to certain foods. Not allergic but more sensitive.
He also seems to have really heightened senses compared to the rest of us as well. For instance, when he was a preschooler, he would point to the ground and say, "Mommy, look at the bug!" I'd look down and not see anything. But once I got on my hands and knees and really looked close at the ground where he was pointing and sure enough there was an very small head-of-a-pin insect on the ground that he could see clearly.

So I learned to respect that he saw the world a little differently and that may be causing what I labeled his "rigidities." He's grown out of most of them.

This is a lovely response. I have one of these!

[Anonymous]

If my kid is repeatedly requesting something that is incompatible for me (ex: disrupting my sleep) I try to figure out what's behind it.

So. Would a bigger or heavier blanket help? Does he like to be tucked? Could you tuck the sides into the bed? I'd talk to my kid, NOT at bedtime, about what he's thinking.

I have a kid who is sensitive to how things feel. He's now almost 8 and is STILL sensitive to how things feel. But one thing I've learned is that I can not talk him OUT of feeling this way. And it's always made much much worse by trying to smooth it over and solve it for him in the moment. Talking about it, NOT in the moment, is very helpful for both of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes but I try to break it slowly.

This is what psychologists do for Anxiety. It's called exposure therapy. It's done gradually. The child gets used to the stimulus (whatever they had anxiety about). They become more flexible and resilient. I've never met a 3 year old that didn't share a lot in common with an Anxiety patient...

[Anonymous]

I tend to refuse to cooperate but I am honest about why. With the covers example, I would explain I’ve already done it 2 times and I’m tired too so I’m not coming back in a 3rd time. Mine is also extremely demanding and rigid and cries about everything. If I gave into even an 8th of these demands I’d quite literally have no time in the day to do anything else.

The one thing I don’t do is try to talk her out of wanting or feeling things. I validate then gently refuse and explain why.

[Anonymous]

Peak rigidity and control age for us. I accommodate to a degree and especially if they ask politely and not whine/demand. Kids are now 5 and 8 and i will still get them the one color cup they like for bedtime if they ask and say please. We also do a lot of teaching not in the moment to solve their own problems and take care of their needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DC age 3.5 wants to be tucked in a certain way, and if I do it wrong or the blanket gets messed up before he falls asleep, he will yell for me from his room and ask me to do it again and again.

Today I told him I wasn’t going to do that anymore and he threw an unholy tantrum.

Do you give in to things like this? He is usually pretty flexible but bedtime is when he is the most tired and rigid, but I just didn’t want to keep going into his room 2-3 times to fix a blanket. Tantrum was awful but I did not back down.

No wonder American kids are feral brats.

[Anonymous]

Rigidity is very developmentally typical at age 3. I am a neuroscientist. I read a lit review on OCD and related disorders several years ago. The authors seemed to suggest that certain aspects of OCD can be understood through a neurodevelopmental lens -- in other words, certain symptoms may be caused by not "growing out of" a phase that is very normal earlier in life. There was an accompanying discussion of findings from brain imaging studies supporting this idea. I find it helpful to remember what I have learned about brain development when parenting my kids, especially when they were younger. There are some things you can shape, and other phases you just need to kind of ride out. With that kind of stuff I just did whatever would get us through the day/night knowing it would pass. And it did. A child showing extreme rigidity in the elementary years would obviously require a different approach (and probably an evaluation). I don't think "giving in" to this kind of thing with a 3 year old is going to cause them to be unusually rigid later in life. There is less in our control than what we want to believe in terms of how our brains are wired and how development unfolds.

[Anonymous]

At 3, yes within reason.