How involved are you with your still-living-at-home adult kid’s life? Is this reasonable?

[Anonymous]

Kid is in his 20s. Lives at home. I get anxiety and can’t sleep if he’s out too late and I want to know who he’s with, what he’s going to be doing, where he’s going, and when he’s coming home. And it makes me SO MAD if it’s like 11 pm and he just springs the fact he’s going to go out and hang with so-and-so person I have never met. He’s also gay and I don’t want him to get a “reputation”.

Are these guidelines too much to ask for an adult child living at home rent free? I mean it’s my house so I feel like telling him to follow my rules is entirely reasonable. Honest feedback please. Anyone else deal with your kids being upset by this?

[Anonymous]

YES, so unreasonable. Poor guy, I hope he gets out of there soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:YES, so unreasonable. Poor guy, I hope he gets out of there soon.

He says he wants to work but he has mental health issues. We don’t live in the DMV and live in a somewhat rural area. He always talks about how there’s no other gay people around besides men he meets online. But i see some obviously gay guts at our bank, the taco bell drive thru..etc.. if he got a job he wouldnt be so lonely and could meet other gay men without using the internet.

[Anonymous]

I hope he has friends. Young gay men with mental health issues living in a rural area with a completely unreasonable controlling mom.

[Anonymous]

Doesn’t seem reasonable to me. Then again, what are these mental health issues and are they being used as an excuse not to work?

[Anonymous]

It's unreasonable on several levels, OP. First, he's an adult. Second, he's not responsible for managing your anxiety and your anger. You are. Third, you are homophobic.

[Anonymous]

Also have a 20 something gay kid with mental health issues who lives with me. I think your rules are unreasonable. And I think it’s tough for kids who are gay to find others to hang out with and date.

I also think it’s unreasonable that he isn’t working. But that’s not the point of your post.

[Anonymous]

Boundaries are the way to go. If you are fully supporting him, then he is living like a child not adult and you can reasonable limits in your own home-home a certain hour, needs to be looking for a job actively, etc. I would get into therapy with him if he just cannot find a job and resents having any limits placed on him.

What mental health issue does he have that he cannot even work part time? How much money are you giving him? You are already providing free room, board and food. Are you also paying for his nightlife or are his dates. If his dates are paying every time I might wonder if he feels the need to repay in other ways. None would be your business if he were independent, but he is not.

[Anonymous]

He needs to get therapy, employment and a rental. It has nothing to do with his gender or sexual orientation. Both of you need to be able to live as it suits each of you, if having to continue living together, negotiate mutually suitable terms to save relationship from going sour.

[Anonymous]

I’ve always told my kids - my house, my rules. If they were in a rooming house there would be a curfew. If in an apartment, complaining neighbors if they came home late and loud. You have every right to set rules and curfews for your property.
I think he definitely needs therapy.

[Anonymous]

You two are going to turn into Grey Gardens.

You both need to get mental health treatment and he needs to get a job and move away to a city.

[Anonymous]

I don't think it's unreasonable to have a curfew for your own sake. I am the same: if my kids are home and out late, I absolutely cannot sleep. It's not like I decide "oh, I am going to stay up and worry!", it's just pure instinct. If he is unhappy with that, he can move.

[Anonymous]

I say this as the mother of four adult children, and I also have anxiety: Your anxiety should not limit your child. It sounds like your son is being held to rules more appropriate for a teenager and this is going to affect his long-term wellbeing. Please get yourself some help handling the anxiety so that he can grow into full adulthood.

[Anonymous]

If it really bothers him, he should work harder to afford a place of his own.

[Anonymous]

This is only one example of why it's so wrong to continue living at home. He should be living where he can afford, whatever that looks like. If it's not this city, it's somewhere else. He lives a life he can afford, and that pressure on him keeps him advancing forward.