Turning things around this school year?

[Anonymous]

Last year was DD13 first year of middle school and it was a disaster. Lots of lying about homework and then not turning it in, and trouble with “talking in class/not completing assignments” because she we prioritizing socializing over academics. In two classes in particular she only passed by the skin of her teeth after we put the fear of god into her, but no actual routines or solid changes were implemented.

Something has to change this year. She has to prioritize her schoolwork over her social interactions, and she has to be self motivated to do it. Also, how do we handle homework when all she wants to do is get on the phone with or head over to friends’ houses? Is it just homework as soon as she steps foot in the door? No arguments, and remind her of last year? (I’m sure there will be arguments initially lol) I’d love any advice.

[Anonymous]

I assume deep down she wants to do well in school, but is defensive when you tell her she's not doing well? In an ideal dream world, you could speak to her about her academic goals without judging her or criticizing her for last year's performance. Then try your best to get her to participate in drafting up a realistic plan to help her reach her goals.

Yeah, I know this is not realistic for most parents and kids. Is hiring a study coach or executive function coach a possibility?

[Anonymous]

I would tell her you are happy she has nice friends at school (genuinely!) but that first and foremost her job is her education. She has time for both, but her education must come first. As such, you will be tracking her assignments and grades closely this year (and actually do it!) and she will have no screentime after school or friend visits until all of her assignments are completed for that day.

The key is consistency and following through. This is for her own good. Phone time and friend time are earned. This is her job. I don't get to just sit around all day and play on my phone without repercussions for not doing my job. If I slack off (like right now) I still have to make up the work in a timely way.

[Anonymous]

PP has good advice.

We set expectations around where homework gets done, ie at kitchen table or den when our DD needs access to a desktop, as well as outline when, ie homework first and then screentime, homework generally done before dinner if no practice or other activity that day etc. Limit the hours allowed on the screen / phone, including taking it away an hour before bedtime, and enforce it.

A last resort: Aftercare. Few MS students likes to be in aftercare and at least at our ms, they have to do homework there. They also have Tues & Thurs PM dedicated to subject labs, an hour where students can ask questions, make up work, etc. Some kids just stay to do their homework.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Once she finishes her homework and you’ve verified it, you can hand her the phone.

[Anonymous]

Could any of it be the result of learning disabilities, difficulty with executive functioning or just not understanding the material? Maybe she's socializing so much because she doesn't want to face those other difficulties. Middle school can be a huge transition for some kids. More classes, more homework, changing classes each period, using lockers.

I'd start with getting her input on what worked and what didn't last year. What was hard for her? Why? What does she think needs to change? Then help her get set up for success. Help her get organized with school supplies, tabbed binders, maybe introduce using a planner to track assignments and tests. Help her set up a designated study area that fits her study style but is free of distractions. For the first few weeks or so, sit down with her every day after school to go over what homework she has to do, what projects have been assigned, etc. For longer projects or assignments, break it down into parts and map out a plan for when she's going to do each part. Time management can be hard for middle schoolers, especially those who play sports/ECs and have time commitments outside of school. Help her get and stay organized so that she can ultimately manage it all on her own.

As for completing homework, that's going to depend in part on what she has to do after school. My DS plays a sport, so he has to get as much homework done at school during study hall as possible. Then he has to do it right when he gets home because it'll be too late to start it after practice. if no practice or after-school activity, the homework gets done right after an after-school snack.

As part of being organized and time management, build in "free time" for her to do whatever she'd like within reason, and if there is time, once homework is done. If she wants to spend that half hour or whatever texting with friends, fine. Or find out how she'd like to handle that. Give her some input and ownership in this process.

I'd also have a talk with her about expectations, and how this is her job and the choices she makes now will ensure she has choices down the road. It's great to have friends and be social--and that's part of being in middle school--but first and foremost, she's there to get an education.

[Anonymous]

With my son last year we had to stay on top of stuff weekly. This was a combo of sitting with him on Sunday and then again mid week to look at his schoology calendar for what was coming up and talk him through the planning of when he was doing what. That would then go on the schoology calendar.

We had to supplement the at with also combing through his math class schoology folder because the teacher would not post assignments to the calendar so he was skipping some.

We also had to look every couple days at his grades to see if he needed to ask for a retest or if he forgot to turn something in. I hate that we need to micro manage that much but also see it as part a function of him having no HW in ES to at least build those skills up.

[Anonymous]

My tween has no screens on school mornings and only has it after school if maintaining As and Bs.
If she was failing classes there would be no phone.
Ask her for suggestions on an after school schedule, then implement something with her input and yours and be consistent.

[Anonymous]

For my kid, this is inattentive ADHD. We don’t have accommodations or meds, but it is helpful for me to know she has this. She really does need extra help with focus and executive functioning.

This means things like a schedule up on the wall, making sure she writes things down in her agenda and reviews the agenda with me each day. She also like a “body double” so I sit at the dining room table with her doing my work while she does her work. She will likely need to find study partners in college to help replicate this.