Have you ever reconnected with an old flame? What was it like?

[Anonymous]

Over a decade ago, in my early 20's, I had a short, 6-month fling. It was very non-commital, but it was fun and adventurous. It was primarily physical, but we did spend time going out and meeting each other's friends. It ended very quickly when I met my (now ex) husband. He was crushed and lashed out, said he had loved me, but at the time, he made no effort to move towards any committed relationship. I still went on casual dinner dates with other guys at the time and was testing the waters (as you do when you're 23). We were physically compatible and relaxed around each other; we would talk for hours at a time or sit in the corner of a restaurant, never running out of things to talk about - just the two of us.

My marriage ended a year ago. I thought about him now and then, wondering where and how he was doing. Two weeks ago, I had an intense dream about him to the point where I could not stop thinking about him all day - it was very visceral and felt realistic. In the dream, we reconnected like nothing had changed. I felt an urge to call him or reach out. Two nights ago, I had another dream about him. I woke up and wanted to call him. I didn't have his number anymore. I still remembered his Instagram handle and requested to follow him. Within 5 minutes, he requested to follow me back, and I messaged him. I asked him if he remembered me, and he (jokingly) called me his "white buffalo," the one that got away and how he still thought of me; it made him sad, but he cherished our memories together (some of the conversation was R rated, but that was what our fling was like and where we have a strong compatibility). I wanted to cry, and he gave me his number - we reminisced about the old times; he said he had never forgotten me and still finds me beautiful. I suggested a reunion by the end of the year, and he said he would love to. (He lives about 3-4 hours away).

I want to reconnect with him physically and catch up. I never really developed strong feelings for him, but I always respected him as a good lover and a wonderful person who was always respectful, kind, and fun. He never ended up marrying or having kids; he still lives his very adventurous bachelor lifestyle, rock climbing, and camping—he is just as fit as he was a decade ago and still just as handsome.

Have any of you ever reconnected with an old flame? I am very nervous.

[Anonymous]

This is how relationships are weighed and thrown away, by comparing what isn't and wondering about what if?

[Anonymous]

I learned something new today. I have never heard the expression “white buffalo” before today. I thought white whale is the one that you chase and gets away.

[Anonymous]

Why didn’t you ever develop strong feelings for him? You were sexually compatible, could talk for hours, and you respect(ed?) him. I would look into your issues with commitment before rekindling anything with this person.

That said, my music teacher reunited with her ex when she was in her 60s and they have been happily together for over we years now.

[Anonymous]

Funeral for a friend, ex I hadn’t seen for a decade, shared memories, drinks and then kisses.
Felt so familiar and satisfying, 5 minutes of kissing and then we went back to our lives.

[Anonymous]

Be prepared to have your heart broken. Odds of him settling down are low, odds of him playing you like a violin are high.

[Anonymous]

I did and we very joyfully got back into a relationship right where we had left off.

And within 2 weeks all the reasons I had ended it in the first place came right back. A month after that I ended it for good. It hurt him pretty badly.

The problems you had way back then will still be problems now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why didn’t you ever develop strong feelings for him? You were sexually compatible, could talk for hours, and you respect(ed?) him. I would look into your issues with commitment before rekindling anything with this person.

That said, my music teacher reunited with her ex when she was in her 60s and they have been happily together for over we years now.

This. The “I never developed strong feelings for him” part was like a record scratch. You’re dreaming about the guy and cried when you reconnected. What do “strong feelings” look like for you if not this? And if your reaction is not due to feelings for this guy, make sure to figure that out before you see him. I mean this all kindly even though it sounds critical. Post-divorce relationships can be pretty messy and heartbreaking. Just sort yourself out before you jump into this.

[Anonymous]

It was pretty depressing! I hadn’t seen him in at least 20 years but I was traveling to his small city and thought why not meet for coffee. I wasn’t trying to reconnect emotionally or physically, just catching up. One hour later all it had done was remind me of why he was an ex BF. Now he was even more sullen and listless and still complaining about how life had been unfair to him. I had told my husband I was going to meet him, he knew the guy, and he said good, it will remind you that you made the right choice.

[Anonymous]

I ran into one last year, 18 years after our relationship, at a funeral. We went to lunch with a group and he was being sort of sweet and flirtatious. We are both married and our spouses weren't there but nothing happened. There was still a little spark and it did feel like we were back in college.
It would not have worked out. He was fixated on Asian women and I am white. I would have always felt like I wasn't what he wanted.

[Anonymous]

Are you sure you are not just trying to find a shortcut to going out there and starting over ?

If you were not that into him then, I doubt you would be now.

I guess there is no harm, if he is not in a relationship…but don’t make it some rom-com plot in your mind.

[Anonymous]

I tried this. We had met in an exotic country (but he was American). The relationship was VERY intense, but short lived. At the airport, he assured me that When we had fallen in love. I was skeptical—since it had been something like a week or ten days. But the circumstances were very romantic.

I tried to write when I got home ( this was pre-internet ) but he said that in his experience long distance relationships do not work, so we went our separate ways.

Years later, I learned he was back in the states (though across the country). When I had a work reason to go out there, I contacted him and we planned a short visit.

It was a total disaster. What had seemed romantic in Kathmandu came across as weird in the states. Plus, he thought I would jump right back into the sack with him, without so much as having dinner together. After years, I definitely needed a period of reacquaintance. That annoyed him, and he wished I was gone.

It showed me that he was not serious relationship material, but he had made for a fabulous vacation fling!!

[Anonymous]

I met mine first love for coffee when he went to Boston for a professional conference. It was a couple of years after I married, 6 years after we had stopped living together and he moved cross country, and about 3 years since we had sex.
It was sad. He was moving ahead academically but had been in a mental ward. No sparks. No more contact.

[Anonymous]

Yes, kind of a similar situation to yours. It was fun at first. We live a few hours apart and are both busy so we've only seen each other a few times in the six months or so since we reconnected. It's kind of just fizzled out - no bad break-up but it's hard to sustain interest when we barely speak or get together. No regrets though!

[Anonymous]

Just have fun. There are no obstacles. If anything, you’ll have someone who you consider a friend back in your life. Maybe you’ll mutually agree to FWB. Maybe true love. Many paths— hopefully pleasant one.