Gossip

[Anonymous]

If you tell things that other people did, that that they either did to you or your family, or they did in front of you, is that gossip? Provided you are able to tell the story verbatim, without changing or omitting anything, but the story is about a bad behavior of someone.

I don’t want to make an example, because it will turn into a judgement about the example, but for context, I’ll come up with a fake one: Larla took the last 4 burger patties, even though everyone hadn’t had one, and there were still 3 people left. Or, that mom makes sure that her kids never play with anyone else. Or, that person is always late: one time they held up dinner for an hour.

[Anonymous]

This would be much easier if you have the real example.

Who did these things? Who are you telling?

[Anonymous]

Is the information necessary? Sounds like it isn't.

[Anonymous]

If you can’t say something nice….

[Anonymous]

10:41, no the information is almost never necessary, but I’m feeling like why not say of it irked me enough?

I don’t want to put an example, because the examples are too specific. But think of something like, oh I met your sil. She seems so nice. And I’m like, mmmh, she takes all the burger patties at a cook out.

[Anonymous]

But the question is, is it gossip?

[Anonymous]

Another example could be: oh, you’re so lucky your cousins have achieved xyz. Now they can share what they did. And I’m like, mmmmhhhh, they never really share meaningful info. Even when I ask I get some very general responses.

So yes, I would not be saying anything nice, but I’d just stating a fact. Without a commentary.

[Anonymous]

I would not call what you describe his gossip. Just telling stories of people. There's a family story about some thing I did. It has gone down to family law. They still try to tease me about it many many years later. I don't consider that gossip I consider that a family story.

Now you talking to a new person about something somebody did, while factual and not gossip, is mean spirited. That's not a nice way to be.

[Anonymous]

It’s not gossip per se. It’s said though in an effort to downgrade others’ opinions of the person under discussion. My rule, don’t say anything to others that you wouldn’t say to the person’s face. Instead of degrading the person’s actions to others, tell Larla, in the moment, “Honey, taking four burgers is probably unfair to the three hungry people behind you!”

[Anonymous]

It takes courage to correct the person and give them a chance to improve. It’s a sign of weakness and mean spiritedness to tell others out of earshot of the offender. Your actions will likely be perceived by others as the worse of the two offenses.

[Anonymous]

Even if it's true, it's still gossip. Gossip is simply talking about other people. Traditionally it's untrue things but it doesn't have to be. I find people that are constantly reporting insignificant things about other people to be beyond irritating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:10:41, no the information is almost never necessary, but I’m feeling like why not say of it irked me enough?

I don’t want to put an example, because the examples are too specific. But think of something like, oh I met your sil. She seems so nice. And I’m like, mmmh, she takes all the burger patties at a cook out.

This is so trashy. If it "irks you" enough to say something, then say it to the person responsible for the behavior so they can adjust.

Saying it behind their back to someone else is the definition of gossip. Grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It takes courage to correct the person and give them a chance to improve. It’s a sign of weakness and mean spiritedness to tell others out of earshot of the offender. Your actions will likely be perceived by others as the worse of the two offenses.

+1

People who will trash-talk other to you will trash-talk you to others. The minute I hear stuff like this, I start trusting you less and guarding myself more anytime I'm around your gossipy self.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:10:41, no the information is almost never necessary, but I’m feeling like why not say of it irked me enough?

I don’t want to put an example, because the examples are too specific. But think of something like, oh I met your sil. She seems so nice. And I’m like, mmmh, she takes all the burger patties at a cook out.

This is so trashy. If it "irks you" enough to say something, then say it to the person responsible for the behavior so they can adjust.

Saying it behind their back to someone else is the definition of gossip. Grow up.

I'm 100% going to think less of you if I say I like your SIL and you respond with something like that. Pp is right, grow up.

[Anonymous]

In general I try to correct the behavior, but I’ve noticed that these people get very aggressive about it. They usually do not take the polite hint well, but go into confrontation.

These people are usually the elephant in the room, everyone knows they’re there and they stink, but everyone pretends that there is nothing wrong and they’re in a field of roses.

Usually because of some volatile reaction that the ‘aggressor’ has had. But they are closely related to you, not necessarily by blood, that there is a common incentive to keep the monster appeased. Then, for the sake of getting along, you’re expected to pretend like it’s all fine, but you do t want to anymore. Because, why?

One particular person I have in mind, always makes a scene when you call them out on it, even ever so slightly. The family consensus is to ignore and let go. What if you disagree, but if you don’t let go, you’re basically responsible for ruining the event? Or in exchange, let go in the moment, but make sure to list the issues?

I’m not sure what’s right.

I’d personally prefer to just confront the person, and I have in the past, but then I’d have to deal with all the pouty faces of the enablers and take responsibility for the ruined mood.