Car Travel & Dementia

[Anonymous]

Can anyone provide insights? Just left a family dinner with ILs - MIL recently diagnosed with likely Alzheimer’s and has a cognitive decline that isn’t immediately obvious to most people.

Tonight DH suggested (a few times) how he hopes his parents will plan to visit family and friends who all live in a town just 2 hours away. DH sibling pulled him aside and told him to stop encouraging car travel- that apparently “something happened” and there will be no more road trips according the FIL (the driver). DH was embarrassed and surprised and said he’d ask FIL in person…soon.

The whole family is very secretive about any and all health issues so to even ask feels daunting to DH.

What could the issues be? Anxiety? Toileting? Increase in symptoms in an unfamiliar environment? Trying to be supportive.

[Anonymous]

Probably lost the car.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can anyone provide insights? Just left a family dinner with ILs - MIL recently diagnosed with likely Alzheimer’s and has a cognitive decline that isn’t immediately obvious to most people.

Tonight DH suggested (a few times) how he hopes his parents will plan to visit family and friends who all live in a town just 2 hours away. DH sibling pulled him aside and told him to stop encouraging car travel- that apparently “something happened” and there will be no more road trips according the FIL (the driver). DH was embarrassed and surprised and said he’d ask FIL in person…soon.

The whole family is very secretive about any and all health issues so to even ask feels daunting to DH.

What could the issues be? Anxiety? Toileting? Increase in symptoms in an unfamiliar environment? Trying to be supportive.

Any of the above. Sometimes removal from familiar environment and disruption of routine can also exacerbate symptoms. Wandering is also a real concern.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can anyone provide insights? Just left a family dinner with ILs - MIL recently diagnosed with likely Alzheimer’s and has a cognitive decline that isn’t immediately obvious to most people.

Tonight DH suggested (a few times) how he hopes his parents will plan to visit family and friends who all live in a town just 2 hours away. DH sibling pulled him aside and told him to stop encouraging car travel- that apparently “something happened” and there will be no more road trips according the FIL (the driver). DH was embarrassed and surprised and said he’d ask FIL in person…soon.

The whole family is very secretive about any and all health issues so to even ask feels daunting to DH.

What could the issues be? Anxiety? Toileting? Increase in symptoms in an unfamiliar environment? Trying to be supportive.

Any of the above. Sometimes removal from familiar environment and disruption of routine can also exacerbate symptoms. Wandering is also a real concern.

All of this. Your DH needs to think before he speaks, and not propose anything unless he is willing to drive them there and be a support person the whole time. It's probably incredibly stressful for FIL to drive with her in the car.

[Anonymous]

OP back. DH isn’t dealing with his mom’s new diagnosis very well at all. Total denial and gets testy and never seems to have any details or insights so asking him about his mom is futile. So frustrating for me as I’m generally very talkative and curious by nature.

He’s perfectly fine to have his only sibling be the hands on help, mediator, elder care specialist, errand runner for his parents. His answers lately are, “I haven’t talked to my sibling so I don’t know” or “I’ll text sibling to ask about what happened on the last car trip.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP back. DH isn’t dealing with his mom’s new diagnosis very well at all. Total denial and gets testy and never seems to have any details or insights so asking him about his mom is futile. So frustrating for me as I’m generally very talkative and curious by nature.

He’s perfectly fine to have his only sibling be the hands on help, mediator, elder care specialist, errand runner for his parents. His answers lately are, “I haven’t talked to my sibling so I don’t know” or “I’ll text sibling to ask about what happened on the last car trip.”

I would drop it for now, then. This isn't your problem. If he wants to act like a clueless child and annoy his sibling, let him. Natural consequences.

[Anonymous]

OP,

Your husband has to listen to his sibling. This is very important. In those kinds of families (I have one too), people don't talk about the minor happenings. It had to be something serious for your FIL to relay to one of his kids and for them to tell your husband.

My Grandfather couldn't find his way home and had to be brought back on multiple occasions by good Samaritans, until he was placed in a nursing home. This is is the most serious risk. Your FIL can't be burdened with this stress. Anytime he goes to the bathroom or leaves his wife for any amount of time, he risks not finding her again. She's much more likely to be confused and wander off in strange surroundings than in her own home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP back. DH isn’t dealing with his mom’s new diagnosis very well at all. Total denial and gets testy and never seems to have any details or insights so asking him about his mom is futile. So frustrating for me as I’m generally very talkative and curious by nature.

He’s perfectly fine to have his only sibling be the hands on help, mediator, elder care specialist, errand runner for his parents. His answers lately are, “I haven’t talked to my sibling so I don’t know” or “I’ll text sibling to ask about what happened on the last car trip.”

Then you'd better watch out for yourself, OP. Such men do not make good caregivers for their wives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP back. DH isn’t dealing with his mom’s new diagnosis very well at all. Total denial and gets testy and never seems to have any details or insights so asking him about his mom is futile. So frustrating for me as I’m generally very talkative and curious by nature.

He’s perfectly fine to have his only sibling be the hands on help, mediator, elder care specialist, errand runner for his parents. His answers lately are, “I haven’t talked to my sibling so I don’t know” or “I’ll text sibling to ask about what happened on the last car trip.”

I would drop it for now, then. This isn't your problem. If he wants to act like a clueless child and annoy his sibling, let him. Natural consequences.

Disagree. You don't apply "natural consequences" in all situations. Do you let a child ingest poison and just deal?

Before diagnosis with Alzheimers my dad would get lost on a regular driving route. They wander off. Changes in routine can a problem. You can have a life and death situation from something you thought was innocuous.

It sucks that the family does not communicate clearly with eachother, but that you cannot change. Your husband absolutely needs to start facing reality and educating himself. It is worth it to gently encourage him to learn more and make sure he is supporting the team not undermining them. Families can completely fall apart after enough years of this and one sibling's denial and repeated clueless suggestions can chip away at things. Help him wake up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP back. DH isn’t dealing with his mom’s new diagnosis very well at all. Total denial and gets testy and never seems to have any details or insights so asking him about his mom is futile. So frustrating for me as I’m generally very talkative and curious by nature.

He’s perfectly fine to have his only sibling be the hands on help, mediator, elder care specialist, errand runner for his parents. His answers lately are, “I haven’t talked to my sibling so I don’t know” or “I’ll text sibling to ask about what happened on the last car trip.”

I would drop it for now, then. This isn't your problem. If he wants to act like a clueless child and annoy his sibling, let him. Natural consequences.

Disagree. You don't apply "natural consequences" in all situations. Do you let a child ingest poison and just deal?

Before diagnosis with Alzheimers my dad would get lost on a regular driving route. They wander off. Changes in routine can a problem. You can have a life and death situation from something you thought was innocuous.

It sucks that the family does not communicate clearly with eachother, but that you cannot change. Your husband absolutely needs to start facing reality and educating himself. It is worth it to gently encourage him to learn more and make sure he is supporting the team not undermining them. Families can completely fall apart after enough years of this and one sibling's denial and repeated clueless suggestions can chip away at things. Help him wake up.

No, not natural consequences for the grandparents. Natural consequences for the DH meaning that they don't take the trip (they're clearly refusing), and that the sibling gets annoyed at him. The sibling relationship is not OP's problem to solve.

[Anonymous]

Caregivers taking care of loved one get to make the calls, unless something nefarious appears to be happening. If husband is questioning their decision, he should first, offer to take of mom for a week. He might, then understand what his brother and father have seen in mom.

Also, could be mom is showboating while the husband is visiting, and he still hasn’t seen what is really going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Caregivers taking care of loved one get to make the calls, unless something nefarious appears to be happening. If husband is questioning their decision, he should first, offer to take of mom for a week. He might, then understand what his brother and father have seen in mom.

Also, could be mom is showboating while the husband is visiting, and he still hasn’t seen what is really going on.

Definitely.

[Anonymous]

People with dementia should NOT be going on road trips, what the actual f*ck is wrong with your husband?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP back. DH isn’t dealing with his mom’s new diagnosis very well at all. Total denial and gets testy and never seems to have any details or insights so asking him about his mom is futile. So frustrating for me as I’m generally very talkative and curious by nature.

He’s perfectly fine to have his only sibling be the hands on help, mediator, elder care specialist, errand runner for his parents. His answers lately are, “I haven’t talked to my sibling so I don’t know” or “I’ll text sibling to ask about what happened on the last car trip.”

I would drop it for now, then. This isn't your problem. If he wants to act like a clueless child and annoy his sibling, let him. Natural consequences.

Disagree. You don't apply "natural consequences" in all situations. Do you let a child ingest poison and just deal?

Before diagnosis with Alzheimers my dad would get lost on a regular driving route. They wander off. Changes in routine can a problem. You can have a life and death situation from something you thought was innocuous.

It sucks that the family does not communicate clearly with eachother, but that you cannot change. Your husband absolutely needs to start facing reality and educating himself. It is worth it to gently encourage him to learn more and make sure he is supporting the team not undermining them. Families can completely fall apart after enough years of this and one sibling's denial and repeated clueless suggestions can chip away at things. Help him wake up.

No, not natural consequences for the grandparents. Natural consequences for the DH meaning that they don't take the trip (they're clearly refusing), and that the sibling gets annoyed at him. The sibling relationship is not OP's problem to solve.

You missed the part about how "one sibling's denial and repeated clueless suggestions can chip away at things." Siblings can end up ESTRANGED over eldercare issues. That natural consequences hurts cousin relationships and is not what the parents would ever want. The level of burn out you experience when facing reality, dealing with your own life stressors, dealing with declining parents AND a SIBLING who UNDERMINES you because of CLUELESSNESS can push things to the edge. This isn't letting him annoy his bro or sis so they yell at him and he stops. Best to face reality and support your siblings and if spouse can help with that-it's a good thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Caregivers taking care of loved one get to make the calls, unless something nefarious appears to be happening. If husband is questioning their decision, he should first, offer to take of mom for a week. He might, then understand what his brother and father have seen in mom.

Also, could be mom is showboating while the husband is visiting, and he still hasn’t seen what is really going on.

Amen to all of this!