Teen refusing to accept diagnosis

[Anonymous]

Our teen was recently diagnosed with adhd, anxiety and a processing disorder. The teen struggles and doesn't realize how much and the impact. Despite talking with the doctor and family, the teen is rebelling against a 504 plan.

How did you get your in denial teen to come around?

[Anonymous]

I would try Ross Greene style collaborative problem-solving.

And I would do what you can to help your child experience the impact.

[Anonymous]

Many teens rebel against accommodations. What is your teen telling you? You need to give more details.

[Anonymous]

How recently? This is a lot to process, maybe the kid needs more time. Or perhaps the 504 is not a good fit and you need to think creatively about what your child is going to accept.

How old a teen?

[Anonymous]

I think accommodations at school feel very public, and are the hardest to accept for teens.

Is he cooperating with discussions about medication? Therapy?

One of my kids (young teen) will only participate in group therapy, and didn’t really accept the diagnosis until he found other kids like him.

My other kid (also teen) would chew their own leg off to escape group therapy and only wants individual therapy.

tldr; it’s going to depend a lot on your kid and their needs, but offer different supports until you find what works for them.

[Anonymous]

They don't need to "come around." You can just get the 504 without their blessing.

[Anonymous]

He might be able to avoid the plan with meds and therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He might be able to avoid the plan with meds and therapy.

I would use this as an incentive. It will be far more meaningful than a 504.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They don't need to "come around." You can just get the 504 without their blessing.

This may be technically true, but it’s not going to do any good if the teen refuses the accommodations!

[Anonymous]

For my kid, it took crashing and burning before she was willing to accept help. I wish I had better advice, but nothing we tried to get her buy-in with treatment or accommodations worked until then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He might be able to avoid the plan with meds and therapy.

This is good incentive, thank you.

He is 16/ junior and because we are a split household and the other household thinks we're making things up and trying to label him that gets impressed upon him. Lots of stigma at the other household. He was against therapy, we made him do it anyways and it is not helping because he denies he has any issues and doesn't talk about anything. We're hoping to get him a new therapist soon that is a better fit and will challenge his answers and ask more investigative questions of him.

When the neuropsych evaluator gave initial feedback and recommended a 504, he was like no, I don't want that and I don't think it's necessary. We spent 10k on tutoring to have marginal improvement and when that ends this fall we know there will be a slip in performance and we are anticipating 2nd quarter being abysmal. Obviously that investment is not worth it given the new diagnosis and we're looking at different avenues there as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He might be able to avoid the plan with meds and therapy.

This is good incentive, thank you.

He is 16/ junior and because we are a split household and the other household thinks we're making things up and trying to label him that gets impressed upon him. Lots of stigma at the other household. He was against therapy, we made him do it anyways and it is not helping because he denies he has any issues and doesn't talk about anything. We're hoping to get him a new therapist soon that is a better fit and will challenge his answers and ask more investigative questions of him.

When the neuropsych evaluator gave initial feedback and recommended a 504, he was like no, I don't want that and I don't think it's necessary. We spent 10k on tutoring to have marginal improvement and when that ends this fall we know there will be a slip in performance and we are anticipating 2nd quarter being abysmal. Obviously that investment is not worth it given the new diagnosis and we're looking at different avenues there as well.

Well, anyone would be anxious and stressed in that situation. And it's normal to struggle when a kid's time and logistical and emotional bandwidth is taken up with living across two very different houses. I think you need to really face up to the impact of divorce/remarriage/etc. and not pathologize your kid for having a hard time with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He might be able to avoid the plan with meds and therapy.

This is good incentive, thank you.

He is 16/ junior and because we are a split household and the other household thinks we're making things up and trying to label him that gets impressed upon him. Lots of stigma at the other household. He was against therapy, we made him do it anyways and it is not helping because he denies he has any issues and doesn't talk about anything. We're hoping to get him a new therapist soon that is a better fit and will challenge his answers and ask more investigative questions of him.

When the neuropsych evaluator gave initial feedback and recommended a 504, he was like no, I don't want that and I don't think it's necessary. We spent 10k on tutoring to have marginal improvement and when that ends this fall we know there will be a slip in performance and we are anticipating 2nd quarter being abysmal. Obviously that investment is not worth it given the new diagnosis and we're looking at different avenues there as well.

He might do better with therapy after his meds are working. He just does not have mental space for therapy. If there is one thing that you can get him to agree to, it should be meds. Things typically come crashing down at 16, he will be in a world of pain if he does not get on board with treatments. I am not talking grades. I can see why he is resisting the plan, use this to your advantage.

[Anonymous]

He's only going to participate in therapy if he feels he can truly say what's on his mind. Are you ready to accept that, knowing it may be very negative things about you, divorce, and your overall family situation? If not, there's really no point. I was this kid and definitely felt like the adults were trying to "fix" me or therapy-ize me into accepting their bad behavior and bad treatment of me. Total failure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's only going to participate in therapy if he feels he can truly say what's on his mind. Are you ready to accept that, knowing it may be very negative things about you, divorce, and your overall family situation? If not, there's really no point. I was this kid and definitely felt like the adults were trying to "fix" me or therapy-ize me into accepting their bad behavior and bad treatment of me. Total failure.

Exactly. OP seems to have a fixed belief about her teen and what her teen’s own beliefs ought to be. That’s just not a tenable way. You cannot force someone to think of themselves in a certain way. And no matter how much you disagree with your ex there is SOME truth to the downsides of labels and therapy. You cannot force it.

Also OP seems to be placing way too much stock in the diagnosis and 504. As legions of us can attest not even a full on IEP is a guarantee of any results.

OP needs to step way back and give this kid more agency and space.