What are your trips to see the grandparents like?

[Anonymous]

We took our two young kids to visit their grandparents for a week. For various reasons, I was under the impression that my in-laws were prepared for us and wanted to do stuff with the kids. The reality was that they had done very little baby-proofing and tired of the children quickly. The trip was exhausting for me because I was doing all the childcare I normally do, but in someone else’s house without the kid resources I normally have available. And yeah, my husband helped, but I think it was different for him because it was his family and his childhood home. Is this pretty much how it goes for everyone when doing these kinds of family trips? What strategies do you have to make these trips more tolerable? There’s talk of us going back around the holidays and I’m dreading it already.

[Anonymous]

One or two rooms are childproofed, and everyone pitches in with the kids. The grandparents need to know the nap/food/sleep schedule about a week ahead of time, and we are otherwise flexible.

[Anonymous]

Basically yes when the grandparents / relatives are not used to the kids. A week is not enough for them to take over the whole or even part of the kids routine to relieve you.

Your experience is mostly typical. I had that with my ILs. My mom used to help a lot with the kids so knew their routines (what they eat, how they sleep, read, etc) and it used to be easier for her to help.

[Anonymous]

Did you think they were going to have the same energy level you do?

My parents took the kids every summer. They would usually go camping. We visited often enough that everyone was very comfortable.

My IL's were similar. A week every summer. I knew I had to be more diligent there, baby proofing didn't happen. We took a lot of toys. MIL didn't do much with them but FIL did.

[Anonymous]

Your experience is exactly like mine was. I always showed up with food and toys and I made plans to take my kids to do things. We would have never even considered staying a week.

[Anonymous]

Talk to your DH about how to divide and conquer on future trips.

I totally get you. My experience was similar. ILs wanted us to visit all the time, but didn't care to do any work to make it easier for the kids/us. I mean, heaven forbids that they should move their precious glass ornaments that were within easy reach of the toddler. And they only wanted to look at the baby/toddler and take some cute pictures, and expected me to keep the kids quiet and occupied 99% of the time so the grown ups can talk.

Several options: stay in a hotel when you visit them and keep the time in their house short; have DH take them (they'll quickly realize that everyone needs to chip in when mom is not there); meet up with them at a family friendly resort (better use of your vacation time and more relaxing).

[Anonymous]

My parents usually had activities planned, pitched in to watch the kids, entertained them and generally we all had a relaxed wonderful time together. Inlaws, were excited for 5 minutes, wanted children to perform for them, didn't want their routines disrupted and made us feel we were in the way.

[Anonymous]

Same. And dh becomes so lazy at his parents house too. It’s very tiring. I have to be a cruise director, take the kids out to playgrounds and run outside with them, and also clean up their stuff. My kids drag toys and games everywhere. They are much cleaner at home.

I too feel lazier at my parents house. It’s like I get home and want to relax, pretend I’m a kid again and my parents take care of me. I can’t explain it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Talk to your DH about how to divide and conquer on future trips.

I totally get you. My experience was similar. ILs wanted us to visit all the time, but didn't care to do any work to make it easier for the kids/us. I mean, heaven forbids that they should move their precious glass ornaments that were within easy reach of the toddler. And they only wanted to look at the baby/toddler and take some cute pictures, and expected me to keep the kids quiet and occupied 99% of the time so the grown ups can talk.

Several options: stay in a hotel when you visit them and keep the time in their house short; have DH take them (they'll quickly realize that everyone needs to chip in when mom is not there); meet up with them at a family friendly resort (better use of your vacation time and more relaxing).

I dislike staying in hotels because then there’s even less to play with. When we stay with them we bring toys in our luggage. Plus when kids take naps, I have to go back to the hotel? That’s hard on me as a parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We took our two young kids to visit their grandparents for a week. For various reasons, I was under the impression that my in-laws were prepared for us and wanted to do stuff with the kids. The reality was that they had done very little baby-proofing and tired of the children quickly. The trip was exhausting for me because I was doing all the childcare I normally do, but in someone else’s house without the kid resources I normally have available. And yeah, my husband helped, but I think it was different for him because it was his family and his childhood home. Is this pretty much how it goes for everyone when doing these kinds of family trips? What strategies do you have to make these trips more tolerable? There’s talk of us going back around the holidays and I’m dreading it already.

Some options:

- Talk to your husband and ask him to step up more with childcare and/or cut back the length/frequency of future visits

-you personally find a reason to only go for part of the trip (preferably the latter half) so that DH and grandparents are forced to figure out a system

-If you have have a telework friendly job plan to work remotely at least a couple of days

-Be candid with your in-laws that travelling to visit them is tough due to the lack of baby proofing and kid resources and ask them to come to you instead

- If finances allow, meet up at a family friendly resort or other destination

[Anonymous]

I would never stay for a long time with my ILs bc I would end up doing everything. However, if I’m visiting my parents, they will take care of the cooking and cleaning for all the meals. There is a crib and baby bath tub and stroller at their home and they will child proof a little (baby gate and locks on a few cabinets). And then we have a schedule for the week and on days where my husband and I plan to go out to do something together (without the kids), they will watch them and do activities with them. So it’s a nice break for me and my husband and I can go on day dates or date nights.

[Anonymous]

My DH is like this too. We had many arguments about it. He just checks out and thinks he's "on vacation" while I try to deal with the kids and manage them on good behavior or at least stop them from having potty accidents on the furniture. It didn't really get much better but eventually they got older and were easier.

I think a week is way too long for visiting people who aren't thoughtful and helpful. Five days maximum. And before any holiday plans are made, have a heart to heart with your DH and tell him that it was really difficult and tiring for you, and he needs to massively step up his active parenting and/or talk with his parents about childproofing. If he doesn't, then make the holiday visit as short as you possibly can. Tell him explicitly "This is very tiring for me, so you have to be a much more engaged parent or I'm not willing to go at all."

[Anonymous]

Honestly, when my kids were young, I’d stay at home by myself while DH took the kids to visit his parents on his own. My in-laws were happy with that setup because they knew I needed a break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We took our two young kids to visit their grandparents for a week. For various reasons, I was under the impression that my in-laws were prepared for us and wanted to do stuff with the kids. The reality was that they had done very little baby-proofing and tired of the children quickly. The trip was exhausting for me because I was doing all the childcare I normally do, but in someone else’s house without the kid resources I normally have available. And yeah, my husband helped, but I think it was different for him because it was his family and his childhood home. Is this pretty much how it goes for everyone when doing these kinds of family trips? What strategies do you have to make these trips more tolerable? There’s talk of us going back around the holidays and I’m dreading it already.

Same experience, it sucks, it is such a slog. To add to the challenge, my inlaws have the emotional maturity of toddlers and actually do things like snatch candy away from their preschool-aged grandchildren and run off to eat it while laughing. They throw temper tantrums when they can't get their way by feeding my children food they are allergic to. Of course they also absolutely refuse to pitch in and help do anything at all. The most babysitting my MIL ever did was sitting by the club's pool with a baby in full view of her adoring public for 20 minutes while her son took a swim. She actually had a little bell she rang when she was done basking in the adoration of her peers, for my DH to get out of the pool and take over caring for the baby. LOOOOOL.

So we put them in time out, in other words we never visit. Both sides are like this, so I guess you could say, we look forward to being the grandparents we never had for our kids when/if they decide to have children.

[Anonymous]

Yes, before age 4 or 5 any type of travel is exhausting, including in laws, unless you have a rare or lucky setup. Some good options include them visiting you, or you choosing a destination convenient to both parties with hotel or airbnb that’s child friendly. A destination trip won’t necessarily be easier, but at least you can go see some place you want to see rather than just use vacation time visiting the family home.