A Question for Serious Runners

[Anonymous]

My DD (in her twenties) is going to run her first marathon this Fall. She has worked hard, and I am proud of her, even though I am totally unathletic myself.

I have recently retired, and assumed I would travel the few hours away to cheer her on when it happens. When I discussed that with her this weekend, she was hesitant. She said I certainly could attend, and she understood my desire to be supportive...but explained that afterwards she would likely to out with her running friends. So I would be traveling for hours and staying in a hotel, but interact with her very little.

To those of you who are serious runners...should I just stay home? Is it normal that her family members would not be included in social festivities after the race (along with her friends)? I am torn. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Could you take her out for lunch or dinner the night before? People are often a mess after the marathon and not in a state for lots of visiting anyway.

[Anonymous]

Do not go. She’s not asking you to go and seems hesitant. She’s worked hard and having you there will be a burden for her to host you in her city, make sure you’re included, etc.

[Anonymous]

Go, but don’t tell her. Plan to be completely independent the whole time. Surprise her at the finish line, make sure she knows you are there, take pictures, etc. — but then tell her you are happily going to be in your own hotel room that night, and for her to send pics from her celebration with her friends.

Your being there at the finish line will mean more to her than you will know. But also, she is right to be 110% focused on her preparation ahead of the race, and her recovery/celebration.

[Anonymous]

Wow —three different but thoughtful opinions. It shows that being a parent never gets easy!

Whole see your reasoning PP, Showing up without telling her seems like lying to me. I always want her to trust me. 🤔

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do not go. She’s not asking you to go and seems hesitant. She’s worked hard and having you there will be a burden for her to host you in her city, make sure you’re included, etc.

This is the answer. I go racing alone pretty much all the time. When my wife does come with me, she watches the Ironman (or whatever tracker) app to see when I’m done and meets me around the finish shoot area with a bottle of electrolyte drink. Otherwise she helps me with logistics and carrying stuff but has no expectation of being included or being entertained by me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Go, but don’t tell her. Plan to be completely independent the whole time. Surprise her at the finish line, make sure she knows you are there, take pictures, etc. — but then tell her you are happily going to be in your own hotel room that night, and for her to send pics from her celebration with her friends.

Your being there at the finish line will mean more to her than you will know. But also, she is right to be 110% focused on her preparation ahead of the race, and her recovery/celebration.

No, please don't do this!

This sounds kind of like the partners who propose at the finish line. The intention is sweet, but it sounds like it's not what she wants.

OP, if I could guess, she may be nervous about how she'll do and she may feel extra pressure if you are there. I ran a bunch of marathons. The first two were ROUGH. I didn't meet my expectations and was really upset. If she enjoys this, she may run one down the road where she will welcome your attendance.

[Anonymous]

I’m the “go but don’t tell her”’ poster…yeah, I see what you all mean. I guess I was thinking of my first marathon, where I spent the last 3 miles hoping someone would surprise me at the finish line. But the other PPs are right. So on second thought, let me agree with them — better for you to respect her wishes.

Maybe if she runs a local race during her training you could cheer her on for that (with her blessing).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m the “go but don’t tell her”’ poster…yeah, I see what you all mean. I guess I was thinking of my first marathon, where I spent the last 3 miles hoping someone would surprise me at the finish line. But the other PPs are right. So on second thought, let me agree with them — better for you to respect her wishes.

Maybe if she runs a local race during her training you could cheer her on for that (with her blessing).

You are very likeable.

[Anonymous]

I think there are ways to show you are proud of her without going. Send her flowers the next day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could you take her out for lunch or dinner the night before? People are often a mess after the marathon and not in a state for lots of visiting anyway.

No....she's not going to risk eating anything new/different/gassy/fatty the day before the marathon and may be busy with packet pickup, and will have an early bedtime.

You noticed the hesitation, so honor it. Send supportive texts and you may be able to track her run. And plan to celebrate after the fact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Go, but don’t tell her. Plan to be completely independent the whole time. Surprise her at the finish line, make sure she knows you are there, take pictures, etc. — but then tell her you are happily going to be in your own hotel room that night, and for her to send pics from her celebration with her friends.

Your being there at the finish line will mean more to her than you will know. But also, she is right to be 110% focused on her preparation ahead of the race, and her recovery/celebration.

This exactly. If you choose to go, plan for your time to be spent supporting her in every way you can but not spending significant time together with her that weekend. And if that scenario doesn’t sound like something you want to do, then just don’t go, it’s really ok!

As a collegiate runner, post-collegiate triathlete and now a “serious” runner with kids, my parents have always enjoyed traveling (sometimes great distances) to come to my events, but always left it up to me to say when and how I’d like to meet up, and I really appreciate that. At some events they have come to cheer me on without much else planned, while at other events we have shared accommodations, gotten together for meals before or after, and even travelled together after the race at certain destination events. Regardless of the scenario, I’ve always truly appreciated their support. The key is taking the lead from your daughter in terms of what would be feasible. She is saying at this particular event, she won’t have significant time to hang with you due to prior social plans she has made. And that’s ok!

[Anonymous]

PP, adding, agree with everything EXCEPT for the “don’t tell her” part!

[Anonymous]

I would tell her you are going to stay home, unless she wants or needs you there. It sounds like a hassle for you to go, and the hotel and race will be mobbed.

I ran my first marathon around the same age and didn’t tell my mom until the night before. (It was local.) She doesn’t understand running at all and asked me if I was going to have a heart attack.

It is truly a personal thing. I never cared if anyone cheered me on, so I wouldn’t worry about it at all.

[Anonymous]

I would ask her if she minds if you go and that you understand you won’t see her after the race, and then be ready to enjoy yourself independently. If she minds you going or if it’s a hassle to you, then don’t go! Ask her to send you photos and cheer her on from a distance, pun intended.