At 50, not enjoying get togethers with old friends

[Anonymous]

As our kids have gotten older and started to go to college, some of my long-term friends and I have been able to find more time to get together. These are women I’ve known for 15-30 years. At various times, we’ve been close, but then life circumstances made it hard to see each other.
This past year, I’ve had walks, coffee, dinners out with these friends - they don’t all know each other btw, they are from different parts of my life. I’m finding that I’m not necessarily enjoying the company, which makes me really sad. Are our quirks just showing more? Why can’t I tolerate it more?

Some examples:
1. Friend A was always analytical in a very smart, interesting way. Now seems neurotic at best, and somewhat paranoid at worst.
2. Friend B always had a big personality, big heart. Saw her this week, and she was constantly interrupting (this was a gathering of 4 people, not just me), mocking people with different accents (she acted like she was being humorous), boasting about telling people to F— off (but literally using the word to those people)… seemed to have major impulse control issues. Not a fun girls night out for me at all.
3. Friend C was always incredibly thoughtful and analytical. Very sweet. Now she’s a broken doormat (sounds mean, but I’m trying to condense), thanks to her emotionally abusive ex husband. Conversations revolve around spending 10-20 minutes parsing his texts and how precisely to respond. This is not new - has gone on for years, which is why I eventually distanced myself.

My life has also had ups and downs (including some big downs), but I try to have balanced conversations/relationships with people. I also try to self-reflect and improve my social skills. I’ve been so happy to see these old friends, but disappointed that instead of feeling like coming home, it has felt stressful or uncomfortable.

I am open to being part of the problem, but I really don’t think it’s just me. Maybe aging is both making us all more quirky AND reducing our ability to be more tolerant? Has anyone else experienced this?

[Anonymous]

Well I'm barely 40 and I experience the exact same thing.

I have a friend almost exactly like friend B and had to take a major step back because of the outbursts and lack of impulse control.

Another friend who is a very nice person, but has gotten worse and worse with her inability to shut up. Every social gathering that she is at is dominated by her because she just never stops talking, and telling some long-winded irrelevant story. I don't remember it being so obnoxious until the last year or so.

DH thinks it's because Northern VA has an exorbitant amount of self-involved, selfish people. However, we've lived here close to 15 years. Would I feel the same about my friends from college, high school and early 20s if I moved back to New England and was around them more?

[Anonymous]

I know a lot of women around 50 who have benefited greatly from taking a very low dose antidepressant. I don’t say this as a criticism of you, OP. It’s just a thought that maybe some of this is hormonal/chemical and a little help might not go amiss.

[Anonymous]

This is generally a female problem.

Men, if it happens to them, just get more extreme in their politics or curmudgeonly in general, in a "you kids get off my lawn" sort of way.

[Anonymous]

You could drop dead next year - life is too short to stay friends with people you don't like. Pursue new friendships.

[Anonymous]

Menopause and lower estrogen causes you to have less tolerance and care for others.

You are essentially turning into a man who has no social support group.

or your friends suck, come on don't you know?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is generally a female problem.

Men, if it happens to them, just get more extreme in their politics or curmudgeonly in general, in a "you kids get off my lawn" sort of way.

Makes sense. Women tend to be more social animals, so their "crumudgeonliness" comes out from social interactions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Menopause and lower estrogen causes you to have less tolerance and care for others.

You are essentially turning into a man who has no social support group.

or your friends suck, come on don't you know?

that explains it for me.

-dp

[Anonymous]

Every relationship can survive when you find the right rhythm.

But I wish they would thrive. Wish the relationships would thrive, thought they would and looked forward to that. All retired now. Have the time, we have the money. Making new memories with friends who have been long-distance, thought it would happen more. Thought is would be more satisfying. I have dialed back my own expectations from yearly visits w/long distance friends to maybe every 3 years. IRL, others 5 years? Will I see them at all?

Stubbornly clinging to the idea that I will keep these life long friends, I've know for decades. Continue the connection. Seeing them IRL at some interval. I guess whatever interval that is, that works for the both of us, is what it will be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every relationship can survive when you find the right rhythm.

But I wish they would thrive. Wish the relationships would thrive, thought they would and looked forward to that. All retired now. Have the time, we have the money. Making new memories with friends who have been long-distance, thought it would happen more. Thought is would be more satisfying. I have dialed back my own expectations from yearly visits w/long distance friends to maybe every 3 years. IRL, others 5 years? Will I see them at all?

Stubbornly clinging to the idea that I will keep these life long friends, I've know for decades. Continue the connection. Seeing them IRL at some interval. I guess whatever interval that is, that works for the both of us, is what it will be.

Can you elaborate more on what you think is going on with these friendships?

- OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I have a friend almost exactly like friend B and had to take a major step back because of the outbursts and lack of impulse control.

Another friend who is a very nice person, but has gotten worse and worse with her inability to shut up. Every social gathering that she is at is dominated by her because she just never stops talking, and telling some long-winded irrelevant story. I don't remember it being so obnoxious until the last year or so.

Hi PP, sorry you are going through the same. I don’t think it’s a DC thing - one of the friends I mentioned is several states away. It feels like some personality traits that existed before have been turned waaaay up. Like caricatures of their former selves. I could take it in small doses, but it feels bad now.

- OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is generally a female problem.

Men, if it happens to them, just get more extreme in their politics or curmudgeonly in general, in a "you kids get off my lawn" sort of way.

The way I read OPs post, most of her friends are still themselves, just more extreme examples of themselves.

During peri and menopause, which is still ongoing, I just don't / didn't want to be around people (was always an introvert). Yes, I am on a low dose antidepressant which keeps my mood more stable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As our kids have gotten older and started to go to college, some of my long-term friends and I have been able to find more time to get together. These are women I’ve known for 15-30 years. At various times, we’ve been close, but then life circumstances made it hard to see each other.
This past year, I’ve had walks, coffee, dinners out with these friends - they don’t all know each other btw, they are from different parts of my life. I’m finding that I’m not necessarily enjoying the company, which makes me really sad. Are our quirks just showing more? Why can’t I tolerate it more?

Some examples:
1. Friend A was always analytical in a very smart, interesting way. Now seems neurotic at best, and somewhat paranoid at worst.
2. Friend B always had a big personality, big heart. Saw her this week, and she was constantly interrupting (this was a gathering of 4 people, not just me), mocking people with different accents (she acted like she was being humorous), boasting about telling people to F— off (but literally using the word to those people)… seemed to have major impulse control issues. Not a fun girls night out for me at all.
3. Friend C was always incredibly thoughtful and analytical. Very sweet. Now she’s a broken doormat (sounds mean, but I’m trying to condense), thanks to her emotionally abusive ex husband. Conversations revolve around spending 10-20 minutes parsing his texts and how precisely to respond. This is not new - has gone on for years, which is why I eventually distanced myself.

My life has also had ups and downs (including some big downs), but I try to have balanced conversations/relationships with people. I also try to self-reflect and improve my social skills. I’ve been so happy to see these old friends, but disappointed that instead of feeling like coming home, it has felt stressful or uncomfortable.

I am open to being part of the problem, but I really don’t think it’s just me. Maybe aging is both making us all more quirky AND reducing our ability to be more tolerant? Has anyone else experienced this?

It happens people change. Give a bit of grace - Friend B maybe was nervous and her personality was more over the top than normal? Try to add others into the gatherings or get togethers or keep them short ie: quick coffee or quick walks or a movie (movies are always great with people that you find less talk is better).

[Anonymous]

Perhaps you are judging your "friends" too much. Look in the mirror first.

[Anonymous]

I am not an empty nester yet, but I had a similar experience last year that I was finding some of my friendships disappointing/unsatisfactory.

Looking back, I think I was putting more expectation/getting more dependent on those friendships, as my kids got older and I stopped depending on the kids' school parents network for a built-in community feel.

Could this be what you are going through? If so, focusing your attention to a hobby or volunteer gig (and NOT people) may help.