Friend's son is badmouthing DS to his soccer team

[Anonymous]

A friend of mine has a son my DS's age (12) and they went all through grade school together. He has behavioral issues made worse by a recent divorce. My DS made a select travel team, and my husband is a volunteer. My husband only volunteered after my son made the team, but this kid apparently spread a rumor that my son is only on the team because of his father. The kids on the team are now parroting this to my son. Another friend asked HER son where this rumor came from, and she confirmed it's this kid -- and then my own son told me that this boy has also said this to his face, including some other very insulting things. (Surprise: He did not make the team.)

My son is finding himself iced out by the other kids who think he didn't earn a place, and now he wants to quit. I am really sad for my son. To make matters worse, before any of this came to light, I enrolled my son and my friend's son to do a carpool/soccer camp together next week which I am needless to say not too keen on now but it's too late to pull out. How do I navigate this, especially given I am friends with his mother who believes nothing is wrong (and is also historically not receptive to feedback about her kid, per other parents).

[Anonymous]

You can’t police what this kid says and he can’t take it back. This rumor seems dumb anyhow bc if your son deserves to be on the team, his skill will set the record straight. He doesn’t need mom help.

But he doesn’t seem to like your son so why would you arrange for them to car pool.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can’t police what this kid says and he can’t take it back. This rumor seems dumb anyhow bc if your son deserves to be on the team, his skill will set the record straight. He doesn’t need mom help.

But he doesn’t seem to like your son so why would you arrange for them to car pool.

Your comment has a vaguely biting edge that is ravishingly peculiar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can’t police what this kid says and he can’t take it back. This rumor seems dumb anyhow bc if your son deserves to be on the team, his skill will set the record straight. He doesn’t need mom help.

But he doesn’t seem to like your son so why would you arrange for them to car pool.

To help out my friend, m'dear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can’t police what this kid says and he can’t take it back. This rumor seems dumb anyhow bc if your son deserves to be on the team, his skill will set the record straight. He doesn’t need mom help.

But he doesn’t seem to like your son so why would you arrange for them to car pool.

To help out my friend, m'dear.

NP. If it were me and it was going to be hurtful to my child to do the carpool I’d pull out.

[Anonymous]

Your husband should talk to the team and shut down the rumor and say icing DS out is not sportsmanlike, and he's surprised that at 12 these kids can't see that Friend's DS badmouthing someone who made a team he didn't make is just jealousy. Shut. It. Down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can’t police what this kid says and he can’t take it back. This rumor seems dumb anyhow bc if your son deserves to be on the team, his skill will set the record straight. He doesn’t need mom help.

But he doesn’t seem to like your son so why would you arrange for them to car pool.

To help out my friend, m'dear.

NP. If it were me and it was going to be hurtful to my child to do the carpool I’d pull out.

OP here - I want to but wondering what reason to give friend who is not receptive to bad feedback about her kid and is going through a divorce....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can’t police what this kid says and he can’t take it back. This rumor seems dumb anyhow bc if your son deserves to be on the team, his skill will set the record straight. He doesn’t need mom help.

But he doesn’t seem to like your son so why would you arrange for them to car pool.

I agree with this. Not a lot you can do without further entrenching the idea that he needs mommy and daddy’s help with these things. It sucks, I would be super sad and angry if it were my kid. But hopefully his playing will show them he’s good enough to be on the team.

I would also consider backing out of the carpool. But I might want to see how they interact. If he’s being an AH to your son in your presence, that’s something you can raise with his mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can’t police what this kid says and he can’t take it back. This rumor seems dumb anyhow bc if your son deserves to be on the team, his skill will set the record straight. He doesn’t need mom help.

But he doesn’t seem to like your son so why would you arrange for them to car pool.

To help out my friend, m'dear.

NP. If it were me and it was going to be hurtful to my child to do the carpool I’d pull out.

OP here - I want to but wondering what reason to give friend who is not receptive to bad feedback about her kid and is going through a divorce....

I’d say something like since the boys aren’t getting along right now, it’s not going to work for us to carpool. If she pressed, I’d tell her what you know and let her do with it what she may. If she pushes back, I’d say that this is what your child is telling you and you’re sorry that the carpool won’t work out as you all had planned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can’t police what this kid says and he can’t take it back. This rumor seems dumb anyhow bc if your son deserves to be on the team, his skill will set the record straight. He doesn’t need mom help.

But he doesn’t seem to like your son so why would you arrange for them to car pool.

To help out my friend, m'dear.

Did you not realize they don’t like each other?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can’t police what this kid says and he can’t take it back. This rumor seems dumb anyhow bc if your son deserves to be on the team, his skill will set the record straight. He doesn’t need mom help.

But he doesn’t seem to like your son so why would you arrange for them to car pool.

To help out my friend, m'dear.

NP. If it were me and it was going to be hurtful to my child to do the carpool I’d pull out.

+1 A recurring theme on DCUM is mom/dad making their kid carpool with a bully because mom/dad doesn't want to lose the friendship with the bully's mom/dad, or doesn't want to be inconvenienced by driving their own kid around. It's all so tiresome. If you can't put your kids first, you shouldn't have had them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can’t police what this kid says and he can’t take it back. This rumor seems dumb anyhow bc if your son deserves to be on the team, his skill will set the record straight. He doesn’t need mom help.

But he doesn’t seem to like your son so why would you arrange for them to car pool.

I agree with this. Not a lot you can do without further entrenching the idea that he needs mommy and daddy’s help with these things. It sucks, I would be super sad and angry if it were my kid. But hopefully his playing will show them he’s good enough to be on the team.

I would also consider backing out of the carpool. But I might want to see how they interact. If he’s being an AH to your son in your presence, that’s something you can raise with his mom.

As someone whose son experienced something similar at the same age, I agree with this too.

I know how tempting it is to step in and try to make it "right", but it could make it even worse, and as time goes on, the teammates will chill out. It's just the "thing" right now for them to pile on, but it'll lose its luster quickly and they'll be onto the next nonsense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband should talk to the team and shut down the rumor and say icing DS out is not sportsmanlike, and he's surprised that at 12 these kids can't see that Friend's DS badmouthing someone who made a team he didn't make is just jealousy. Shut. It. Down.

That will not effectively shut it down. OPs son shuts it down by being skilled and better than most of the players on the team. If he isn’t as good or better than most of the other boys, plus Dad is a coach, the rumor is not going to go away and would have been assumed without the friend stating it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can’t police what this kid says and he can’t take it back. This rumor seems dumb anyhow bc if your son deserves to be on the team, his skill will set the record straight. He doesn’t need mom help.

But he doesn’t seem to like your son so why would you arrange for them to car pool.

To help out my friend, m'dear.

NP. If it were me and it was going to be hurtful to my child to do the carpool I’d pull out.

+1 A recurring theme on DCUM is mom/dad making their kid carpool with a bully because mom/dad doesn't want to lose the friendship with the bully's mom/dad, or doesn't want to be inconvenienced by driving their own kid around. It's all so tiresome. If you can't put your kids first, you shouldn't have had them.

You are very judgmental. How come?

[Anonymous]

“My son and I need to work through something’s, and I find that talking one-on-one in the car works best for us. I’m sorry that means I can’t carpool this time around.”