Vulgar and rude insults

[Anonymous]

DH yells vulgar and/or rude insults, objectively wrong accusations etc. I am so over it, it’s hurtful, insulting and shows a deep disrespect. I don’t really have the inner strength to finally leave… I am the main breadwinner so would have to support him and give him half of what I worked so hard for. Sometimes I really wonder how I deserve all this. It’s not fair.

[Anonymous]

Do you have the strength to get therapy to bolster your self esteem so you can then leave? Nobody should be living with someone who yells at them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you have the strength to get therapy to bolster your self esteem so you can then leave? Nobody should be living with someone who yells at them.

I had a therapist but stopped seeing him. I think I need a new one. It did help in a sense because at least I don’t let him bully me into things I fundamentally disagree with. I did emotionally distance myself enough to speak up. Speaking up leads to these verbal assaults though. So I don’t have the desired outcome yet… It is just worse in a way but at least I am more true to myself.

[Anonymous]

The only answer in this situation would be to leave this toxic person.

Unless he shows remorse & agrees to marital therapy in order to better himself.
He would have to fully acknowledge his issues first AND WANT to seek actual help for them.

If he cannot or will not do any of this then you have to get a divorce.

Sure, it will suck to have to support this person but anything is better than sharing a roof together.

[Anonymous]

I mean.... you can't complain and then make the choice to stay too.

[Anonymous]

Is this the relationship you want modeled for your children? Do you want them to think your DH's behavior is normal?

Get the inner strength. It's not just about you anymore.

[Anonymous]

Please don't make any decisions before speaking to a lawyer. You can pay for 1 or 2 hours worth of time and get a realistic idea of custody, equity split and child support.

I grew up with a verbally abusive Mom and it had a lifelong deep negative impact on me. It affected the way I formed romantic relationships, and formed the foundation of future intimate abusive relationships.

It is rare for partners to get "alimony" or spousal support permanently if at all. It usually stops after a few years unless a couple has been together for more than 10-20 years and the person receiving the support was always the stay at home parent. Child support stops at 18 or 21 depending on the state (21 in DC). Even people who were SAHP can have an ability to earn a certain amount of income imputed to them in the divorce process.

Really only a lawyer can listen to your factual situation and accurately estimate the financial outcome.

[Anonymous]

It’s not a matter of deserving it; it’s the situation you’re in and leaving is the only way out. You just have to make a decision.

[Anonymous]

I gave up on my relationship with my sister after a lifetime of drama. Half a year ago she came to my home and knocked on the door. We began communicating again. A month in, she attempted to draw me into a conversation. In retrospect she laid a trap. I fell for it, and she let loose with a torrent of verbal abuse. She insulted me, insulted my young adult DC, and shredded us. After not dealing with her for the better part of a decade, it was deeply shocking to witness this horrific behavior.

I will tell you how it goes: You don't like getting treated badly. You repeatedly try to reset the relationship, to no avail. You have no idea how to walk away from the relationship (imagine trying to end a relationship with a blood relative). Finally you have enough, and you end the relationship. You have PTSD and you don't top ruminating over the relationship right away. Eventually the trauma fades, and you move on. Even the memory of the abuse fades. If you get exposed to similar abuse years later, you're shocked and puzzled why someone is attacking you like this.

Go for it, OP. He will never change. You can do it. You will not regret leaving him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I gave up on my relationship with my sister after a lifetime of drama. Half a year ago she came to my home and knocked on the door. We began communicating again. A month in, she attempted to draw me into a conversation. In retrospect she laid a trap. I fell for it, and she let loose with a torrent of verbal abuse. She insulted me, insulted my young adult DC, and shredded us. After not dealing with her for the better part of a decade, it was deeply shocking to witness this horrific behavior.

I will tell you how it goes: You don't like getting treated badly. You repeatedly try to reset the relationship, to no avail. You have no idea how to walk away from the relationship (imagine trying to end a relationship with a blood relative). Finally you have enough, and you end the relationship. You have PTSD and you don't top ruminating over the relationship right away. Eventually the trauma fades, and you move on. Even the memory of the abuse fades. If you get exposed to similar abuse years later, you're shocked and puzzled why someone is attacking you like this.

Go for it, OP. He will never change. You can do it. You will not regret leaving him.

OP. This is my sister too. DH and my sister (dad was the same way). I see my sister once or twice a year, and only briefly I can’t take her more than that. I’m surrounded by this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean.... you can't complain and then make the choice to stay too.

This right here. Op is the breadwinner, therefore she has the means to change her situation. Getting caught up on having to pay out money to him is an excuse to stay stuck. I would sacrifice most of my money if that was the way to liberate myself from abuse. If children are involved, this situation needs to change ASAP, whatever the cost.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH yells vulgar and/or rude insults, objectively wrong accusations etc. I am so over it, it’s hurtful, insulting and shows a deep disrespect. I don’t really have the inner strength to finally leave… I am the main breadwinner so would have to support him and give him half of what I worked so hard for. Sometimes I really wonder how I deserve all this. It’s not fair.

This is victimese and being complicit in your own unhappiness, OP. Him speaking to you that way isn't right, nor is your decision to stick around and complain about it.

You have agency. Change your circumstances. Otherwise, you're basically saying it's worth ($amount) to allow yourself to be treated this way.

No amount of money is worth mistreatment. Do better by/for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH yells vulgar and/or rude insults, objectively wrong accusations etc. I am so over it, it’s hurtful, insulting and shows a deep disrespect. I don’t really have the inner strength to finally leave… I am the main breadwinner so would have to support him and give him half of what I worked so hard for. Sometimes I really wonder how I deserve all this. It’s not fair.[/quote]
No one deserves to be treated poorly. You know that he treats you poorly and you stay with him. What would be unfair is if you extricate yourself from him and he stalked and harassed you to continue his abuse. By staying, you present yourself for abuse daily. It is not that you deserve it, no one does, it's that you stick around despite it. I don't know what you expect will happen if you change nothing.

[Anonymous]

All you are doing by sticking around is increasing the net worth that he gets 50% of. The faster you cut your losses, the better.

I say this as a women who far outearns her husband. We are happily married, but if we weren’t, I sure would get out sooner rather than later. And no way is someone going to verbally abuse me while living the life they have become accustomed to based on my labor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I gave up on my relationship with my sister after a lifetime of drama. Half a year ago she came to my home and knocked on the door. We began communicating again. A month in, she attempted to draw me into a conversation. In retrospect she laid a trap. I fell for it, and she let loose with a torrent of verbal abuse. She insulted me, insulted my young adult DC, and shredded us. After not dealing with her for the better part of a decade, it was deeply shocking to witness this horrific behavior.

I will tell you how it goes: You don't like getting treated badly. You repeatedly try to reset the relationship, to no avail. You have no idea how to walk away from the relationship (imagine trying to end a relationship with a blood relative). Finally you have enough, and you end the relationship. You have PTSD and you don't top ruminating over the relationship right away. Eventually the trauma fades, and you move on. Even the memory of the abuse fades. If you get exposed to similar abuse years later, you're shocked and puzzled why someone is attacking you like this.

Go for it, OP. He will never change. You can do it. You will not regret leaving him.

OP. This is my sister too. DH and my sister (dad was the same way). I see my sister once or twice a year, and only briefly I can’t take her more than that. I’m surrounded by this.

Me three. It is a living nightmare. Thoughts of hope only come with thoughts of outlining the sister.