Flexible thinking - Autistic 4 yo

[Anonymous]

I have an autistic 4 years old. We struggle with rigid thinking. He, for instance, likes to pretend he is a character or animal. These pretend plays are always on, he does not allow us to call him other than this character/animal and can go on for months. He gets very upset and has meltdowns frequently if we mistakenly call him by his name. He is also very rigid about certain routines, lights on at bedtime, etc... I´m exhausted and need advice on how to promote more flexible thinking.

[Anonymous]

This sounds like my DS at 4, including the animal (or soldier or truck) play. To be honest, it only got better around 8 or 9, a bit. After lots of fighting with his brother during play (when his brother didn't do exactly what he wanted him to), they learned to listen to each other and negotiate, take turns, be flexible.

[Anonymous]

He is exactly like that and fights with his older brother for the same reasons. The oldest is tired of this dynamic as well. Is your son also autistic?

[Anonymous]

I think you can schedule animal time versus human name time.

[Anonymous]

I've tried to schedule human time with no avail. He is very committed to his role. A method actor I would say.

[Anonymous]

Don’t give in and just deal with his disappointment which may be a melt down. The world is not going to cave and call this child a pig because that is what he wants. I too have a very rigid autistic son who is 9. It is exhausting. He can exhaust his damn self though. He likes his bedroom door at a 45 degree angle when asleep. He had a meltdown when I supposedly put it at 43. wtf! Great, you can put your door how you like it every night from here on out. He does, no issues. I’m not doing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is exactly like that and fights with his older brother for the same reasons. The oldest is tired of this dynamic as well. Is your son also autistic?

Yes, both are autistic but older DS is much more easygoing and is willing to tolerate a lot but eventually will reach his limit.

Younger DS, who is really rigid and inflexible, and used to be an animal a lot of the time or sometimes something else such as a construction vehicle, has a diagnosis of demand avoidance/PDA and the extreme make-believe is a part of that diagnosis. We didn't put limits on it or require him to be human sometimes. It was often easier to deal with the lion or the truck than the boy. This may not be anything like your situation - I'm just describing our family.

[Anonymous]

Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing this. I do not feel as alone anymore. You are describing my kid and our situation almost exactly. I will read more about demand avoidance/PDA. We also do not force him to be something he does not want to. It is usually counterproductive....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t give in and just deal with his disappointment which may be a melt down. The world is not going to cave and call this child a pig because that is what he wants. I too have a very rigid autistic son who is 9. It is exhausting. He can exhaust his damn self though. He likes his bedroom door at a 45 degree angle when asleep. He had a meltdown when I supposedly put it at 43. wtf! Great, you can put your door how you like it every night from here on out. He does, no issues. I’m not doing it.

13;54 here. DS is 11 now and hasn't been an animal or truck in years. He has outgrown it. Some things I have insisted upon, some things I have catered to. But that one was not something we made an issue of, and he outgrew it.

[Anonymous]

Yes it's avoidance. My DD was a saber-tooth tiger for the entire PK4 school year.

[Anonymous]

Thank you, NP. Did you do something about it? I have no issues with the pretend play but would like to work on being more flexible if someone goes off script. Also, it was very eye opening to me that this could be related to an avoidance issue. Any tips on how to work on that as well are welcome.

[Anonymous]

There’s way too many unknowns here for someone to say it’s probably avoidance. Hire a professional, you won’t get a good answer here with so few details.

[Anonymous]

You need professional support to handle this. His rigidity should not control the family. Personally I would ignore the pretend animal stuff because I find it annoying.

[Anonymous]

How could you conclude this is avoidance as opposed to attention-seeking? I’ve observed kids on the spectrum do stuff like this because it gets them a predictable reaction that they see as positive attention. Then they become rigid about it.

[Anonymous]

I think kids go into avoidance when they're feeling overwhelmed or dysregulated, or they don't know how to initiate the task or break it down into steps. So if he can't get his shoes on, I would start by finding the shoes. Then have him sit. Then put one foot out. Then put his foot in it. Then fasten the Velcro. You tell him each step as he goes along. Not just "put on your shoes" all as one command.