Mid life. Does anyone believe in love anymore?

[Anonymous]

I’m divorced after a long marriage. Late 40s now. Im a guy. Was married since late 20s. I guess when I was younger people seemed more romantic and looking for love. Nowadays it seems just hook up and casual relationships.

Is it because we are jaded after 20+yr of failed relationship/s or marriage? Or is it more the tinder effect of seeking short term gratification.

I can’t seem to understand single people in my age cohort. Nothing like how things used to be when I was younger.

[Anonymous]

Yes I think people our age still believe in love. But a more seasoned mature view of it. We know that limerance is not love. We know that limerance fades. We know love like loving our children, which is so deep, and so shallow hookups can't possibly be love. We know that finding a deep love that lasts takes a lot of work and sacrifice.

[Anonymous]

It’s not being jaded, I think, but realistic. The heady early period fades and so you have to really like the person’s personality.

When you like the personality, you have to weigh whether the benefit of a standard marriage or long term monogamous relationship is there for you anymore.

I’m a late 40s woman. If DH were to die or leave me, I’d probably try to find a nice boyfriend, but I also probably wouldn’t want to live together or join finances. I love companionship, but I no longer enjoy daily cooking for people or cleaning or keeping house for them. I have enough money for myself forever. Plus I’d be looking for fun after decades of monogamy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes I think people our age still believe in love. But a more seasoned mature view of it. We know that limerance is not love. We know that limerance fades. We know love like loving our children, which is so deep, and so shallow hookups can't possibly be love. We know that finding a deep love that lasts takes a lot of work and sacrifice.

Maybe off topic but is unconditional love like that for your children also found in a significant other?

[Anonymous]

I’m late 40s and married, but I like being married. I am not planning on leaving my husband, but if he were to die, I would try to find love/companionship again.

When I was younger I believed (though I wouldn’t admit it) in one big love. Now, I see you can have more than one big love and the love you feel for these big loves isn’t exactly the same for each person.

I think the act divorcing is harder (especially with kids) because it challenges your beliefs about marriage AND love. You question the purpose of marriage (was it for kids, was it for finances, companionship?) and you have to re-think both and if you want to mix love and marriage again. Now I feel all Married with Children. . Can you have one without the other? Yeah. But after a divorce you lose the ideals of what marriage is for (at least for a little while).

[Anonymous]

We’ve been married 36 years and I still believe in it. All I know is that for it to last this long you really have to work at it and by it I don’t just mean sex though that is certainly part of it. If something were to happen to my husband I don’t think I’d be looking for love again, maybe just companionship. Trying to replicate the love I have now feels so out of reach that I’d likely be disappointed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes I think people our age still believe in love. But a more seasoned mature view of it. We know that limerance is not love. We know that limerance fades. We know love like loving our children, which is so deep, and so shallow hookups can't possibly be love. We know that finding a deep love that lasts takes a lot of work and sacrifice.

Maybe off topic but is unconditional love like that for your children also found in a significant other?

NP, I don't think so. At some point you realize your spouse is really an entirely different person - than you thought, than they were, than you want.

My love for my spouse is pretty deep, but it certainly is not unconditional.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes I think people our age still believe in love. But a more seasoned mature view of it. We know that limerance is not love. We know that limerance fades. We know love like loving our children, which is so deep, and so shallow hookups can't possibly be love. We know that finding a deep love that lasts takes a lot of work and sacrifice.

Maybe off topic but is unconditional love like that for your children also found in a significant other?

NP, I don't think so. At some point you realize your spouse is really an entirely different person - than you thought, than they were, than you want.

My love for my spouse is pretty deep, but it certainly is not unconditional.

It is not a feeling IMO, it is a decision to constantly sacrifice for them and put their needs above your own. So, yes, unconditional love exists. It just takes practice. I would say maybe you shouldn't really aim for unconditional love with your partner, it's good to have clearly defined boundaries instead of endless wells of giving.

While the idea of unconditional love is beautiful, adult relationships have these complexities with needs, histories, baggage, expectations and boundaries. Expecting love to be unconditional can be unrealistic and harmful.

[Anonymous]

50 and divorcing after a long marriage and I don’t know anything anymore. I can’t imagine starting over. I loved my spouse through thick and thin and loved being a family and since that’s no longer an option, I think I am just done. I’m resigned to being the tagalong single friend until I pack it in and move to The Villages and get all the STDs I missed out on in my youth. That’s a joke.

With kids in the equation, I think the game has changed for me. They will always come first and there will never be a time when it would just be 2 people forging ahead. There are so many other considerations that, even if I met someone with whom I was compatible, what about my kids’ feelings. The weight of responsibility feels so huge.

What’s new on Netflix?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s not being jaded, I think, but realistic. The heady early period fades and so you have to really like the person’s personality.

When you like the personality, you have to weigh whether the benefit of a standard marriage or long term monogamous relationship is there for you anymore.

I’m a late 40s woman. If DH were to die or leave me, I’d probably try to find a nice boyfriend, but I also probably wouldn’t want to live together or join finances. I love companionship, but I no longer enjoy daily cooking for people or cleaning or keeping house for them. I have enough money for myself forever. Plus I’d be looking for fun after decades of monogamy.

+1. I'm 58 and have been married for nearly 30 years. As PPs have said, marriage is work and sacrifice. I absolutely love my DH and, if given the choice, would absolutely marry him again. Yet, if he were to die before me, I don't think I'd be looking to remarry. As the PP said, I'd love companionship but I don't want to put in the work needed for it. I certainly don't want to have to take care of someone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:50 and divorcing after a long marriage and I don’t know anything anymore. I can’t imagine starting over. I loved my spouse through thick and thin and loved being a family and since that’s no longer an option, I think I am just done. I’m resigned to being the tagalong single friend until I pack it in and move to The Villages and get all the STDs I missed out on in my youth. That’s a joke.

With kids in the equation, I think the game has changed for me. They will always come first and there will never be a time when it would just be 2 people forging ahead. There are so many other considerations that, even if I met someone with whom I was compatible, what about my kids’ feelings. The weight of responsibility feels so huge.

What’s new on Netflix?

Me too. Me too. Early 40s divorcing a liar and an addict here.

Basically, love is not enough. And even when you have compatibility on the big stuff, you can discover the person you thought you knew didn't have the character they pretended do.

[Anonymous]

I too am 50 and divorcing. My DH betrayed me for years and I discovered he's having an affair with a coworker.
I loved him with all my heart- he was my family.

When the dust all settles in a year or 2, I truly hope to find love again and a life partner. I want nothing to do with casual sex. I know it will be like looking for a needle in a haystack, but I hope to find a genuine, truthful man to share life with (either widowed or similarly betrayed by his spouse. NO cheaters!)

[Anonymous]

Someone should start an online dating app for widows and cheated on people only. Basically, people totally committed to long-term relationships and monogamy. I cringe at having to weed through the current dating sites.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes I think people our age still believe in love. But a more seasoned mature view of it. We know that limerance is not love. We know that limerance fades. We know love like loving our children, which is so deep, and so shallow hookups can't possibly be love. We know that finding a deep love that lasts takes a lot of work and sacrifice.

Maybe off topic but is unconditional love like that for your children also found in a significant other?

Grown-up love has conditions.

You can't throw me down the stairs.
You can't wipe out the 401(k) to buy a sailboat.
You can't have sex with my sister.
You can't commit embezzlement and get fired from your job.
You can't drive our car high on meth.
And a variety of lesser conditions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We’ve been married 36 years and I still believe in it. All I know is that for it to last this long you really have to work at it and by it I don’t just mean sex though that is certainly part of it. If something were to happen to my husband I don’t think I’d be looking for love again, maybe just companionship. Trying to replicate the love I have now feels so out of reach that I’d likely be disappointed.

See, but you have no idea what it's like when the love of your life betrays you, like mine did to me. It shatters your view of everything you hold precious, and makes you distrust the idea of love itself.
And false that "for it to last this long you really have to work at it". Nope, you alone can't do it. BOTH spouses have to work at it every day. There's a reason they say, "It takes 2 people to marry, but only 1 to divorce"
I believed like you if my husband died, I would never want to find love again. But not, he has soiled "love" so much, that I do want to find real love, so that I didn't live my whole life in a lie.