Teen Bullying

[Anonymous]

My teacher friend says that this year and last year have been the worst years of her career. There has been more bullying than pre-Covid and earlier in her career. I subbed at some high schools and middle schools this year. Here are some things that I've seen or that my friend has mentioned:

It seems like the bullies know that they will get in more trouble if they bully a child with obvious special needs, so they target a kid who is NT but is quieter, introverted, has confidence issues, and maybe doesn't have the "right" clothes or doesn't have a ton of friends. The bully pretends to be friends with their victim, gets some info about the target, and then uses it to spread rumors. My kid says that it is common for kids to have group chats to talk badly about someone else. I've also noticed that whenever a less popular kid answers a question, the more popular kids will snicker quietly or make faces. Kids are so cliquey and less likely to invite a new kid to sit with them at lunch or to an event. That kid becomes a loner and then the other kids gossip about that kid. I feel like the prevalence of bullying is what is causing the teen mental health crisis. If the victim reports the incident, in some cases I have seen school admin accuse the victim of "stirring up drama" and that they need to learn "how to be more well-liked."

I feel that because physical bullying is becoming less common, schools assume they don't have a bullying problem until it is too late, and the bullying is rampant. I don't know if taking phones out of schools is the answer considering that I have subbed at schools that don't allow phones at all and I have still seen just as much bullying as schools with phones. Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

They will target those with mild SN-definitely. If they can't get away with being nasty, they one favorite way to covertly bully is to make the kid with mild SN think he/she is the coolest person ever and to get the kid to do humiliating things often while being filmed. Then it gets passed around the teen/tween is laughed at, but to his/her face they make it sound like it's the coolest video ever. I have seen far to many teachers try to convince parents their kid is not a victim at all and really how do you prove that the kid who fist bumps and invited the kid to lunch is also abusing trust and humiliating that same kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They will target those with mild SN-definitely. If they can't get away with being nasty, they one favorite way to covertly bully is to make the kid with mild SN think he/she is the coolest person ever and to get the kid to do humiliating things often while being filmed. Then it gets passed around the teen/tween is laughed at, but to his/her face they make it sound like it's the coolest video ever. I have seen far to many teachers try to convince parents their kid is not a victim at all and really how do you prove that the kid who fist bumps and invited the kid to lunch is also abusing trust and humiliating that same kid.

+100
Bullying is still happening, the bullies are just becoming more subtle. By pretending to include a SN student, they can get away with so much.

[Anonymous]

This is so sick and sad. Does anyone have stories of being able to turn it around?

[Anonymous]

I don’t see more bullying. I think that this particular group of gen z kids though spent too much time on screens during a formative age and also during an era that was over the top “over sensitive” to things like race and pronouns.

As a group they tend to be sarcastic, their humor is more caustic and they have over corrected against some of the PC everything is racist/anti trans/ableist that was being pushed a few years ago. So I have noticed more insensitivity in this group, but not specifically bullying unless you are one of those people that thinks every time someone is rude or mean it is bullying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: My teacher friend says that this year and last year have been the worst years of her career. There has been more bullying than pre-Covid and earlier in her career. I subbed at some high schools and middle schools this year. Here are some things that I've seen or that my friend has mentioned:

It seems like the bullies know that they will get in more trouble if they bully a child with obvious special needs, so they target a kid who is NT but is quieter, introverted, has confidence issues, and maybe doesn't have the "right" clothes or doesn't have a ton of friends. The bully pretends to be friends with their victim, gets some info about the target, and then uses it to spread rumors. My kid says that it is common for kids to have group chats to talk badly about someone else. I've also noticed that whenever a less popular kid answers a question, the more popular kids will snicker quietly or make faces. Kids are so cliquey and less likely to invite a new kid to sit with them at lunch or to an event. That kid becomes a loner and then the other kids gossip about that kid. I feel like the prevalence of bullying is what is causing the teen mental health crisis. If the victim reports the incident, in some cases I have seen school admin accuse the victim of "stirring up drama" and that they need to learn "how to be more well-liked."

I feel that because physical bullying is becoming less common, schools assume they don't have a bullying problem until it is too late, and the bullying is rampant. I don't know if taking phones out of schools is the answer considering that I have subbed at schools that don't allow phones at all and I have still seen just as much bullying as schools with phones. Thoughts?

This happened to my child. Some kids are remorselessly manipulative and hurtful.

[Anonymous]

I heard a great episode of Lisa Damour's podcast about how friend groups use social exclusion of someone in the group to ostracize that person and bond more tightly with each other. She has a tendency to not come to conclusions with some of her episodes, and this one didn't have a recommendation for what teens on the receiving end of this treatment should do. However, I found it quite validating if you're someone who has gone through the maddening agony of this situation.

My other DD is younger and I'm seeing 3rd-5th graders emulate this kind of bullying and using techniques that are incredibly sneaky, manipulative and sophisticated given their age. I assume they are copying older siblings.

[Anonymous]

This is nothing new.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I heard a great episode of Lisa Damour's podcast about how friend groups use social exclusion of someone in the group to ostracize that person and bond more tightly with each other. She has a tendency to not come to conclusions with some of her episodes, and this one didn't have a recommendation for what teens on the receiving end of this treatment should do. However, I found it quite validating if you're someone who has gone through the maddening agony of this situation.

My other DD is younger and I'm seeing 3rd-5th graders emulate this kind of bullying and using techniques that are incredibly sneaky, manipulative and sophisticated given their age. I assume they are copying older siblings.

I watched this happen multiple times for years with my now 16 yo daughter. She is now in a solid group and they have their drama and fights but it’s not like what she experienced before - now if someone is being excluded it’s bc they did something to hurt feelings and they eventually talk and work it out and move on. Whereas in her past friend groups it was just weird unspoken exclusion for no real reason other than probable jealousy. It just feels different.

The difference I’ve seen in current vs past? The presence of certain types of girls, who seemed to drive this exclusion. The attention seeking “pick me” types for lack of a better term. Usually girls who make fast intense friendships based on shallowness and newness, and a need to exclude some in the group to establish dominance with their “favorite friend”. Usually some sort of deep insecurity involved, often unstable home lives even if it looks normal on the surface.

All you really need to do is identify these instigators. The other kids in the group will often be manipulated by them - as the instigators will create a narrative that the excluded friend doesn’t like them/is doing something wrong and plays into their insecurities. If you can oust the instigator, or find new friends without one of these people, the other kids are usually not bad kids. They just aren’t mature enough to see clearly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t see more bullying. I think that this particular group of gen z kids though spent too much time on screens during a formative age and also during an era that was over the top “over sensitive” to things like race and pronouns.

As a group they tend to be sarcastic, their humor is more caustic and they have over corrected against some of the PC everything is racist/anti trans/ableist that was being pushed a few years ago. So I have noticed more insensitivity in this group, but not specifically bullying unless you are one of those people that thinks every time someone is rude or mean it is bullying.

I agree re the backlash against all the PC stuff. Teen boys are in full backlash mode

[Anonymous]

Some backlash but I’ve noticed a lack of kids just being willing to call a spade a spade to their face, which lets things continue. And kids and adults feel empowered to be jerks because they can hide behind screens and work on group think. Some kids just need to be told to their face that their an a$&hole quick to say things on social media or when their friends are standing around, but real quiet when standing alone.

[Anonymous]

The group chats were killer for my kid, and definitely used to bully him—he'd get invited into one, they'd harangue him relentlessly about not being cool enough, nice enough, rich enough, athletic enough, skinny enough (these are boys!)... and then, it turns out, the most devastatingly effective way to bully (my DS at least) is to boot him off the GC whenever he says anything.

He tried SO HARD all year to get onto the chats, to participate, to be cool, to be friendly, to be funny and they spotted his eagerness from a mile away and by the end, literally anytime he would say ANYTHING, one of the bullies would boot him from the chat and he'd spend the next week begging to be let back in.

We tried to explain the game to him, and the fact is he has perfectly normal (for a 12yo) GC with sports team friends, but it was the "popular" kids chat at school he couldn't figure out. And they knew it and loved every second of it.

Finally, he just gave up, and honestly, everything has been so much better. He's going to a new school next year, and hopefully he'll find some new friends to GC with.

TLDR, I always thought the chats would be the danger, but it turned out that not being allowed to chat was the real painful part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t see more bullying. I think that this particular group of gen z kids though spent too much time on screens during a formative age and also during an era that was over the top “over sensitive” to things like race and pronouns.

As a group they tend to be sarcastic, their humor is more caustic and they have over corrected against some of the PC everything is racist/anti trans/ableist that was being pushed a few years ago. So I have noticed more insensitivity in this group, but not specifically bullying unless you are one of those people that thinks every time someone is rude or mean it is bullying.

I go back and forth on this... I think some of the attitudes are kind of shocking, but I also think back to when I was 12, in the early 1990s and there was openly racist and crude jokes everywhere, in person and on television, the radio, etc. Listening to morning zoo radio in 1992, which I did every morning as I got ready for school, was far more racist, sexist, homophobic than anything kids consume today. That said, Andrew Tate is frightening.