Kids don’t want to do anything with me! Feeling guilty doing things alone

[Anonymous]

I have an 12 and 13 year old. Boy and girl. Both kids enjoy hanging out with their friends, playing outside with neighbors and engaging in an independent activities. They have always been more independent and a little bit more socially mature than other children their age. The phase that is killing me now right now is that they do not want to hang out with me or do family stuff together. It is a real struggle. Especially this summer since I am not working and have time at home. I do not want to sit at home and do nothing but often times my children this summer want to just stay at home, organize their rooms, watch movies, bake etc. I want them to go to museums with me, or to the pool or mini golf or whatever. We have been doing these things maybe once or twice a week together but often times they do not want to go. I would like to do these things every day instead of just sitting at home. These are the things I enjoy and instead of just staying home I have been engaging some of these activities by myself but I feel incredibly guilty. Do I just make the children go with me? They are fine at home and enjoy this time and like I said, they get rides from friends to go other places with their friends and will play outside and ride bikes with the neighbors that are also home. No, they are not involved in any camps. Is this normal. Should I force time together?

[Anonymous]

Tell them to choose a family outing and one a week let that kid plan the whole outing - then they own it and will participate

[Anonymous]

Tweens and teens are more focused on their peers than their parents. Their behavior is developmentally appropriate and you should enjoy your solo outings with zero guilt.

[Anonymous]

Ask them what they want to do. My son has some unique interests. He is 13 and will gladly spend time with me if I do one of those things he likes.

Think coin collecting. I have no interest- but he thinks old coins are super cool so if I ask he wants to go to a new coin store he is all in! Even if we have to drive an hour. This is not his thing - but stuff like this.

[Anonymous]

I force some family time but not too much. Strike a balance and then go do stuff on your own! No guilt there.

[Anonymous]

I am a teacher with a son the same age and I would describe him the same way. I think 1-2 times a week as you have been doing is a great compromise. I also love going to museums and things by myself so that part doesn't bother me. My thing is that is he is reasonably happy, getting some exercise daily and not on the screens past my limit (2 hours in summer) his summer is free for him to enjoy as he wishes. Reframe it as being proud that they are independent and trustworthy that you feel you can do these things alone!
I feel like kids this age are like housecats, the more you try to get their attention and approval the more they shy away. If you let them know you're open and then do your thing they may join more often.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have an 12 and 13 year old. Boy and girl. Both kids enjoy hanging out with their friends, playing outside with neighbors and engaging in an independent activities. They have always been more independent and a little bit more socially mature than other children their age. The phase that is killing me now right now is that they do not want to hang out with me or do family stuff together. It is a real struggle. Especially this summer since I am not working and have time at home. I do not want to sit at home and do nothing but often times my children this summer want to just stay at home, organize their rooms, watch movies, bake etc. I want them to go to museums with me, or to the pool or mini golf or whatever. We have been doing these things maybe once or twice a week together but often times they do not want to go. I would like to do these things every day instead of just sitting at home. These are the things I enjoy and instead of just staying home I have been engaging some of these activities by myself but I feel incredibly guilty. Do I just make the children go with me? They are fine at home and enjoy this time and like I said, they get rides from friends to go other places with their friends and will play outside and ride bikes with the neighbors that are also home. No, they are not involved in any camps. Is this normal. Should I force time together?

Am I reading this right that your kids would be find spending time with you at home, but you want to go out instead? Because to me, watching movies, baking, even just sitting around talking does count as "doing family stuff together." I know adult couples that have different ideas of how to spend quality time together, where one person thinks they must go out and do something active or they are "doing nothing" where the other person is happy to spend time as a couple making dinner and watching a movie. So maybe this is a personality difference between you and the kids. Perhaps you could compromise. They might agree to go on one outing a week if you also agree to do participate in some of the stuff at home that normally bores you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an 12 and 13 year old. Boy and girl. Both kids enjoy hanging out with their friends, playing outside with neighbors and engaging in an independent activities. They have always been more independent and a little bit more socially mature than other children their age. The phase that is killing me now right now is that they do not want to hang out with me or do family stuff together. It is a real struggle. Especially this summer since I am not working and have time at home. I do not want to sit at home and do nothing but often times my children this summer want to just stay at home, organize their rooms, watch movies, bake etc. I want them to go to museums with me, or to the pool or mini golf or whatever. We have been doing these things maybe once or twice a week together but often times they do not want to go. I would like to do these things every day instead of just sitting at home. These are the things I enjoy and instead of just staying home I have been engaging some of these activities by myself but I feel incredibly guilty. Do I just make the children go with me? They are fine at home and enjoy this time and like I said, they get rides from friends to go other places with their friends and will play outside and ride bikes with the neighbors that are also home. No, they are not involved in any camps. Is this normal. Should I force time together?

Am I reading this right that your kids would be find spending time with you at home, but you want to go out instead? Because to me, watching movies, baking, even just sitting around talking does count as "doing family stuff together." I know adult couples that have different ideas of how to spend quality time together, where one person thinks they must go out and do something active or they are "doing nothing" where the other person is happy to spend time as a couple making dinner and watching a movie. So maybe this is a personality difference between you and the kids. Perhaps you could compromise. They might agree to go on one outing a week if you also agree to do participate in some of the stuff at home that normally bores you.

How late do your kids sleep OP? Mine is in bed until at least 10 so I go out and do things in the morning, then we have lunch, do our own thing for a bit then hang out in the afternoon.

[Anonymous]

If a 12 and 13 year old in this day in age still wants to hang out with friends in person, pla outside, let them, it's a great thing! You can have them to family outings, but to me, sounds like they're doing great!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I force some family time but not too much. Strike a balance and then go do stuff on your own! No guilt there.

+1

[Anonymous]

I have a 12yo too and the same struggle. I’ve started planning more things for myself to do with friends or by myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tweens and teens are more focused on their peers than their parents. Their behavior is developmentally appropriate and you should enjoy your solo outings with zero guilt.

+1. Maybe change the activities. My kids liked going to the pool with me, mini golf or museums when they were much younger. My 13 and 16 yo will still do activities and outings but not every day and they need to be different than those. Ask your kids to plan something. For example, mine wanted to go to an all you can eat sushi restaurant. So we did that as an activity all together.

I have more luck taking them to places one on one now since their interests are so different.

[Anonymous]

You use the word "I" alot. You can't make them do everything with you every day. Choose 2 -3 days out of the 7 to do something physical outside. Yes, even in the hot sun. It's doable and it has been done for million of years. Then, use the following day to decompress and do light things indoor. Then, have them hang out with some friends other days while you do your things.
Earlier age (elementary school) is the best time to not work and focus on the kids. Preteen years is not a good time because they want to be with their friends alot and that urge increases into teen years.
Also, start making plans with friends and go do your thing.

And you have to be creative. You still need to think for them alot. Like give ideas and ask what they want to do. Like, Tuesdays, everyone get to spend time with their friends, including you.

[Anonymous]

Thank you PPS, I went out and did some things by myself ( walked and went to hit some golf balls at the range). Daughter went to friends house and then practice for her travel sport and son and I played piano and made dinner together when I got back. That was nice and I’m feeling less stressed. All of my friends and their children (who are a little bit younger still in early and elementary) will do everything together all the time, hence the guilt. Sometimes when I tell my friends that I’m heading out to the pool without the kids, they act shocked like it’s strange for me to be going by myself, so that’s why I was thinking maybe I need to force my kids to do some of these things but if they are happy, healthy and they engaged with friends and their activities or just staying at home watching TV or reading a book then I can be fine with that too. My real issue is that I compare my parenting choices to those around me too often and always second-guess myself. My children are just different and don’t require as much hands-on. But I do miss spending the time and will find ways to make that happen without stressing myself or everyone else out in the process. Appreciate the helpful feedback.

[Anonymous]

Let them each invite a friend. You’ll get to know their friends and often other kids will be chattier with you if you keep it cool, I find that my kids open up to me more around their friends as they follow their lead.