Why am I allowing this to piss me off?

[Anonymous]

I can’t stop thinking about this and letting it piss me off. My neighbor, a woman in her 60s, and I were having one of those fence line chats. She started asking me about DHs and my jobs. I WFH and DH works an overnight shift at a hospital, 6p-6a, so he sleeps all day while I work/kids are in school (except in summer, obviously) as sees us for a couple hours once he wakes before he heads to work. But he gets a lot of days off because of his schedule. My neighbor went on and on about how “isolating” and “lonely” it must me for me to have no adult interaction at home or work, how “unfair” I am stuck with the lion’s share of parenting, how “hard” our lives must be.

“Aren’t you so incredibly lonely and isolated, and isn’t it so unfair?”

I can’t stop thinking about it. None of it is true, of course—I enjoy the couple evenings a week with the house to myself. I enjoy WFH. We have teens so parenting isn’t what it used to be. I feel fulfilled.

So why are her words pissing me off so badly?

[Anonymous]

It would be true for her and she’s trying to commiserate and show empathy. Maybe hoping for an invite for dinner or ice cream or something. It’s not true for you, so accept that she meant well and move on.

[Anonymous]

It is pissing you off because it is condescending and aggressive. She likely knows full well what she is doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can’t stop thinking about this and letting it piss me off. My neighbor, a woman in her 60s, and I were having one of those fence line chats. She started asking me about DHs and my jobs. I WFH and DH works an overnight shift at a hospital, 6p-6a, so he sleeps all day while I work/kids are in school (except in summer, obviously) as sees us for a couple hours once he wakes before he heads to work. But he gets a lot of days off because of his schedule. My neighbor went on and on about how “isolating” and “lonely” it must me for me to have no adult interaction at home or work, how “unfair” I am stuck with the lion’s share of parenting, how “hard” our lives must be.

“Aren’t you so incredibly lonely and isolated, and isn’t it so unfair?”

I can’t stop thinking about it. None of it is true, of course—I enjoy the couple evenings a week with the house to myself. I enjoy WFH. We have teens so parenting isn’t what it used to be. I feel fulfilled.

So why are her words pissing me off so badly?

Good question. She was trying to empathize with you, albeit in an awkward way. That’s what some older women do. The only thing I can figure is you actually feel that the situation is less than ideal and that’s why it’s bothering you. Or you feel judged. Someone who was comfortable with your situation would not be ruminating on this and posting on DCUM, unless you ruminate on all awkward interactions.

[Anonymous]

It’s more like a reflection on her life than yours, but the fact you’re having such a strong reaction suggests you might want to look inward and figure out what’s at the root of it. Do you have any thoughts?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s more like a reflection on her life than yours, but the fact you’re having such a strong reaction suggests you might want to look inward and figure out what’s at the root of it. Do you have any thoughts?

I guess I never considered people were looking down on our lifestyle and judging us.

[Anonymous]

You need meditation. Also read the Gita to get a better perspective on how small your life is.

[Anonymous]

I work 7p-7a 3 days a week. Throughout the years I've heard similar comments directed towards DH towards me (it must be so hard never seeing your family type comments).

I think it is just people not understanding the hours. I see my family plenty, the hours are just shifted. Instead of being around for bedtime, I'm around when DS gets off school. And I'm off 4 days a week. It is actually a very family friendly schedule.

So yeah, you just have to let the comments slide off your back. It's just from a place of not understanding and you can't let it bug you.

[Anonymous]

You are pissed off because she is a nosy idiot and you told her too much! Basically you are pissed off at yourself for being gullible and taking her questions at face value

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is pissing you off because it is condescending and aggressive. She likely knows full well what she is doing.

Others think she's empathizing, but perhaps you're pissed off because you're sensing that it was an underhanded comment and she is actually mean and unsympathetic. Do you now see your neighbor in a different light?

[Anonymous]

Boomers gotta boom. They’ll leave eventually. I think.

[Anonymous]

My mom does this kind of thing and it used to really get under my skin. I think some people are just bad at reading a room and relating without projecting their own stuff onto your situation.

I would expect that she probably did the bulk of childcare or felt in some way that she was over burdened at one point and is projecting that onto you because that’s her experience. I know it’s frustrating, but it really doesn’t have anything to do with you, it sounds more like she’s trying to call out the things that she went through in an attempt to be there for you in a way that people weren’t for her.

[Anonymous]

Maybe she’s trying to be nice and empathetic? Why not give her the benefit of the doubt. What’s the point in being angry or insecure?

[Anonymous]

It pisses you off because she is openly passing judgment which is negative.

Just keep things light and brief, wave, smile, keep moving.

[Anonymous]

I do 12s as well but work the opposite schedule. I’m 0600-1800. This week I only work Weds/Thurs. I’m assuming your DH does too. I think it’s great. I actually get more time at home than if I were 9-5.
I don’t think she meant anything unkind. I think older people especially ( and I’m
51) have a hard time understanding shift schedules sometimes and how it works better for some people.