Talk to me about a time you were miserable in a job and tell me what you did.

[Anonymous]

I am miserable at work. I have a fuzzy role in an org with awful culture where despite my best efforts I have no champion, the wrong team, am constantly overlooked, not advocated for and struggling to swim upstream in a maelstrom of internal politics. Each and every day, something humiliating happens. I am paid well however and have not found an alternative role in 3 years of looking that will pay similarly. We cant afford to take a hit where we currently live.
I'm at the point where the job is starting to infiltrate everything; my self image, my confidence, even my friendships have suffered bc I don't have the psychic energy to do a lot of socializing after putting all my effort into navigating the swamp and trying to grind what's left of my ego into oblivion.
The worst is that on some level I feel like it is all my fault.
Would love to hear others stories - did you ever get your mojo back? Or did you do something extreme like i am considering and move with kids to a much cheaper COL area so you could take a hit or just take a break entirely. It feels extreme but life is also short.

[Anonymous]

I'm in your position, but not for as long. That being said, I can already relate to the way it messes with your self-image etc. So be kind to yourself.

First, you need to start feeling better about yourself. Talked to a colleague yesterday who is also in a similar position to me, and he mentioned that he's ready to "rage disengage". Given all the churn, are you at least able to strike some personal balance and invest time/effort into things you enjoy? In my situation, the culture is so toxic and the org such a mess, there isn't a lot of pressure or incentive to move quickly or do everything perfect. So trying to get my personal life in better shape instead.

Second, you cannot continue in this situation forever, I don't think. What have you done around your job search so far? Have you looked at head hunters? Executive coaches? Maybe you need to shake things up entirely.

[Anonymous]

I hated litigation. Well, I didn't really hate litigation, I like the work. But I hated that at my level my entire life would forever be nothing but work. When you are trying 500M cases, you work well over 40 hours a week and have time for nothing else. So I moved on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm in your position, but not for as long. That being said, I can already relate to the way it messes with your self-image etc. So be kind to yourself.

First, you need to start feeling better about yourself. Talked to a colleague yesterday who is also in a similar position to me, and he mentioned that he's ready to "rage disengage". Given all the churn, are you at least able to strike some personal balance and invest time/effort into things you enjoy? In my situation, the culture is so toxic and the org such a mess, there isn't a lot of pressure or incentive to move quickly or do everything perfect. So trying to get my personal life in better shape instead.

Second, you cannot continue in this situation forever, I don't think. What have you done around your job search so far? Have you looked at head hunters? Executive coaches? Maybe you need to shake things up entirely.

I should look at exec coaches. Mainly I’ve been reaching out to contacts and applying to things - but the only offers I’ve had are quite a bit lower than my current comp. I think I might also be depressed? I used to have a lot more chutzpah and job search yielded quite a few bites but now it seems to be limping along

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hated litigation. Well, I didn't really hate litigation, I like the work. But I hated that at my level my entire life would forever be nothing but work. When you are trying 500M cases, you work well over 40 hours a week and have time for nothing else. So I moved on.

Same. I lasted a grand total of 14 months in BigLaw. I hated every single day of it. Every single day. We couldn't really afford the pay cut but I just couldn't do it. So I left for the gov't and now we stress over the smallest expenses. But I am happier and DH actually is, too, because I am nicer.

[Anonymous]

Alright, we all know you work for cap1, now go find a new job, you can always take a $$$ job in a $$$ location too you know.

[Anonymous]

I was in a somewhat similar situation. It was definitely making me depressed.

I eventually found a new job. I KILLED IT in my last few weeks -- did some of my best work, wanting to leave on a high note.

The bummer is that I hate the new job. Somewhat regret taking it. But, sometimes, you just need to change your momentum.

Write down the things that are making you miserable so that you don't forget.

And just keep applying, applying, applying. You can do it!

[Anonymous]

I pretended I was on a reality show and I needed to set myself up to look good when the reunion show with Andy Cohen rolled around and he asked questions. It really helped.

[Anonymous]

I always feel better when I am applying and interviewing. It feels like I am taking action. And, after an interview I often feel better about my current job because the alternative wasn't as attractive as I imagined.

Long-term, if the job is really not a good fit then you have to leave. You can do some thought experiments about your finances, location, spouse job, etc. to see what that would take. I have twice left for pay cuts in order to get into a better situation.

But I have to say ... it jumped out at me that your OP was all about what other people aren't doing for you: they aren't your champions, they aren't advocating. And they are overlooking you, they are humiliating you. That's very other-focused. You may benefit from some self-work and therapy to help your feelings of agency and to manage your expectations around work. For example, it is nice to have a champion at work, but pretty rare: most of us do without. Maybe something to think about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in your position, but not for as long. That being said, I can already relate to the way it messes with your self-image etc. So be kind to yourself.

First, you need to start feeling better about yourself. Talked to a colleague yesterday who is also in a similar position to me, and he mentioned that he's ready to "rage disengage". Given all the churn, are you at least able to strike some personal balance and invest time/effort into things you enjoy? In my situation, the culture is so toxic and the org such a mess, there isn't a lot of pressure or incentive to move quickly or do everything perfect. So trying to get my personal life in better shape instead.

Second, you cannot continue in this situation forever, I don't think. What have you done around your job search so far? Have you looked at head hunters? Executive coaches? Maybe you need to shake things up entirely.

I should look at exec coaches. Mainly I’ve been reaching out to contacts and applying to things - but the only offers I’ve had are quite a bit lower than my current comp. I think I might also be depressed? I used to have a lot more chutzpah and job search yielded quite a few bites but now it seems to be limping along

That's why you have to get out as soon as you sense it. It can crush your self-esteem and confidence, which will make you worse at interviewing and you'll spiral down until your stuck in that miserable job environment you hate. And then eventually you'll be let go from that job. Fortunately I've managed to get out before that happened. But I've seen it happen. And it almost happened to me.

[Anonymous]

I was in a similar position and kept applying until one worked out. I took a slight pay cut for better hours, which was well worth it, and my salary has continued to improve from the new base.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Alright, we all know you work for cap1, now go find a new job, you can always take a $$$ job in a $$$ location too you know.

Op - I literally don’t know what cap 1 is

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I always feel better when I am applying and interviewing. It feels like I am taking action. And, after an interview I often feel better about my current job because the alternative wasn't as attractive as I imagined.

Long-term, if the job is really not a good fit then you have to leave. You can do some thought experiments about your finances, location, spouse job, etc. to see what that would take. I have twice left for pay cuts in order to get into a better situation.

But I have to say ... it jumped out at me that your OP was all about what other people aren't doing for you: they aren't your champions, they aren't advocating. And they are overlooking you, they are humiliating you. That's very other-focused. You may benefit from some self-work and therapy to help your feelings of agency and to manage your expectations around work. For example, it is nice to have a champion at work, but pretty rare: most of us do without. Maybe something to think about.

Op - I guess I’ve just in my last 3 jobs before this had bosses I can talk to about issues and who will help me work through things and believe in me. The first job I had for ten years I did not have that and it held me back. I feel like at this job no matter how hard I swim upstream - nothing can solve for the lack of an advocate or a ‘good boss’. I’m not sure if those expectations are unrealistic! But they’re def based on experience

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I pretended I was on a reality show and I needed to set myself up to look good when the reunion show with Andy Cohen rolled around and he asked questions. It really helped.

Omg. I love this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always feel better when I am applying and interviewing. It feels like I am taking action. And, after an interview I often feel better about my current job because the alternative wasn't as attractive as I imagined.

Long-term, if the job is really not a good fit then you have to leave. You can do some thought experiments about your finances, location, spouse job, etc. to see what that would take. I have twice left for pay cuts in order to get into a better situation.

But I have to say ... it jumped out at me that your OP was all about what other people aren't doing for you: they aren't your champions, they aren't advocating. And they are overlooking you, they are humiliating you. That's very other-focused. You may benefit from some self-work and therapy to help your feelings of agency and to manage your expectations around work. For example, it is nice to have a champion at work, but pretty rare: most of us do without. Maybe something to think about.

Op - I guess I’ve just in my last 3 jobs before this had bosses I can talk to about issues and who will help me work through things and believe in me. The first job I had for ten years I did not have that and it held me back. I feel like at this job no matter how hard I swim upstream - nothing can solve for the lack of an advocate or a ‘good boss’. I’m not sure if those expectations are unrealistic! But they’re def based on experience

Look, it sounds like this is making you crazy - and what the rest of us did in this situation is we tried to find something comparable, and when that didn't work we pivoted to something else. It might pay less, it might make you learn a new field, you might give up the things you value about this current job/field. But if it's this bad, you have to find something else.

How much are you making now and why is it so much more than other comparable jobs?