Elders spilling secrets

[Anonymous]

My father, in his aged and demented state, has told me things I really do not want to know.
Like about an affair he had decades ago with a coworker.
I have no idea if my mother even knows about this. Or if it’s even reality! I think it is, but….his reports of stuff are not always tethered to reality.
It’s very disturbing. I thought they had this great marriage.
He tends to talk on and on, and I let him, and every once in a while he will drop some bombshell, and just continues talking, and I do not react.
I’m 50 years old and I know I should not romanticize my parents’ marriage but geez. It’s disappointing. And makes me super uncomfortable.

[Anonymous]

Part of dementia is losing inhibitions and therefore losing filters that would have otherwise kept him from telling you these things (whether true or made up). No marriage is perfect, but why would you assume that anything he's telling you now reflects the reality of his marriage to your mom?

[Anonymous]

Maybe try to direct some of the rambling. Ask about what he remembers about high school. Ask if he remembers losing his first tooth.
Ask about his grandparents.

I wish I had asked more than I did.

[Anonymous]

It reflects the reality of his marriage to my mother because a secret infidelity is a horrible, horrible betrayal of trust and would’ve seen as such by my mother, who is still alive. I know no marriage is perfect but for me that’s a really poor reflection of someone’s character and a shameful thing to do. My parents certainly did not raise me to think that affairs were in any sense okay. And if my mother knew about an affair and stayed with him, I’d in truth lose some respect for her because that is some serious BS, no matter what era it is.

I do try to guide the rambling somewhat. Usually I’m ok with it and it’s mostly interesting

[Anonymous]

Fantasizing in dementia is very common. Or maybe it's true, but so what if it's true? It doesn't mean he doesn't love your mother, OP. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you. Like many on this forum, I think you need to stop thinking of cheating as this huge catastrophe.

So you say "hm-mm" and you don't take the bait. And certainly don't tell your mother.

[Anonymous]

I found out my dad had a years-long affair with someone I knew and liked. My mom actually was the one to tell me, when the woman he had an affair with asked me how my dad was and I invited her to visit him as he was dying. That was awkward. Mom told me she couldn’t come, I asked why - she and her husband and kids were family friends for decades, so it was weird to not have her visit - and mom told me. Yuck. I didn’t want that in my head.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It reflects the reality of his marriage to my mother because a secret infidelity is a horrible, horrible betrayal of trust and would’ve seen as such by my mother, who is still alive. I know no marriage is perfect but for me that’s a really poor reflection of someone’s character and a shameful thing to do. My parents certainly did not raise me to think that affairs were in any sense okay. And if my mother knew about an affair and stayed with him, I’d in truth lose some respect for her because that is some serious BS, no matter what era it is.

I do try to guide the rambling somewhat. Usually I’m ok with it and it’s mostly interesting

Is sad you still think like that at 50. You're only hurting yourself, OP, I hope you realize that.

[Anonymous]

Exactly—I just don’t need this in my head.

To the PP who said he loves you and your mom—of course he does.

Except now I know that love includes being able to seriously betray. That’s not nothing so please, in this support forum, do not minimize my totally normal emotions. The way I was raised, cheating on your spouse is in fact a catastrophe.

[Anonymous]

Wow, because I am 50 it is “sad” to see cheating as a terrible betrayal of trust?

[Anonymous]

Op, you may as well tell yourself that it's not true. Make that choice. That it's not true. You can do that. You have said, it is within reason that it may not be.

My elderly Mom once said she was calling from Brazil ... Ah... no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Exactly—I just don’t need this in my head.

To the PP who said he loves you and your mom—of course he does.

Except now I know that love includes being able to seriously betray. That’s not nothing so please, in this support forum, do not minimize my totally normal emotions. The way I was raised, cheating on your spouse is in fact a catastrophe.

What some people are trying to say is that instead of desperately resorting to a moral superiority defense ("the way I was raised"), you might, at the mature age of 50, have developed a more complex understanding of human emotions that go beyond the infidelity=betrayal=bad arithmetic and graduated to a tolerance for human failing, comprehending that no human can be 100% trustworthy even if they want to be, that betrayal and love often coexist, and that you should be able to manage conflicting emotions about your loved ones simultaneously.

I understood all this at a young age. It should not come as a surprise to you at 50.

But all this is moot anyway, because the likeliest scenario is that your father is fabulating! Personally, inventing stories due to dementia or recounting snippets of bad behavior from the past would be all the same to me, in your situation. Past history, nothing criminal, I really wouldn't care either way - my job is to keep them alive and reasonably comfortable until it's not possible anymore. My 70 year old parents have been together for 50 years. I KNOW they care for each other. If one were to suddenly admit to an affair, it wouldn't faze me at all. Love is stronger.

[Anonymous]

I'm not minimizing OP's discomfort in any way, but this thread reminded me of when my very lucid grandfather, who adored reminiscing, decided I was old enough to hear about the time a coworker at his first job allowed him to feel her up. (My grandmother was long dead.)

I have to laugh now. I was uncomfortable, but also proud that he obviously considered me an adult.

[Anonymous]

With respect, you know nothing about me or my capacity for feeling multiple things about other people, or my understanding of people’s behavior. Nothing you’ve said is at all helpful. I don’t appreciate your lecturing me. You exhibit zero empathy. Enjoy your feelings of superiority.

[Anonymous]

^^ that was intended for 17:25, who apparently is perfect in every way

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:With respect, you know nothing about me or my capacity for feeling multiple things about other people, or my understanding of people’s behavior. Nothing you’ve said is at all helpful. I don’t appreciate your lecturing me. You exhibit zero empathy. Enjoy your feelings of superiority.

And we all admire the way you're handling the situation... by creating a thread on DCUM asking for help, not thanking anyone for their advice, and attacking any poster who preaches tolerance and compassion.