I am not having a good time in midlife
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Anonymous
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Late 50s here. Lost Dad two years ago; never diagnosed but almost certainly Parkinson's as evidenced by his deterioration at the very end. Then a bout of Covid last year sent me spiraling into depression and anxiety, culminating in a two-week stay at a psychiatric facility. Just when I was getting myself together earlier this year, DH was diagnosed with Parkinson's.
My anxiety is again through the roof. Tell me again how life gets better in our 50s? |
Anonymous
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Sending sympathy, OP. I'm also in my late 50s and am finding the stress of eldercare plus losing everybody I've loved in the older generation plus my own creakiness means mortality is weighing on my and I, too, am wondering where this promised improvement in the 50s is. If it's any consolation, it seems absolutely everybody I know our age is going through some variation of the same thing. What worries me is the isolation in which we are each experiencing all this.
I am thinking of seeing anxiety meds for the first time. But I also know I need a RL support group, if only I didn't get covid every time I try to meet up in person. Btw, a while ago after attending a college reunion and hearing from dozens of our age cohort over the course of a weekend, I posted on DCUM to the effect that those in late middle age are Not Okay, contrary to press reports, and the responses were so vicious I had to ask Jeff to take the post down. That may have been before this forum was created. But in any case I want to send solidarity and support as best I can. |
Anonymous
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I've never heard anything about life getting better in your 50's - is that really a common understanding?
Regardless, that sounds like a generic aphorism. One that doesn't apply to you. You have a spouse with Parkinson's, for god's sake! That would put anyone in a terrible spot, no matter your age. Get yourself some respite and good luck. |
Anonymous
| OP: That’s awful to hear about the post removal. What prompts people to lash out like that? By the way, there are Zoom support groups for “live” interaction without Covid risk. |
Anonymous
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I've been there for many years OP. I realized I desperately needed sleep, more exercise, more down time and outdoor time. So here is what i did.
1.) Declare this is your emergency. If you have emergency savings or are in good shape financially start throwing money at things things that will get you your time to replenish. I won't make this all about me, but instead I will focus on you. Figure out what part of your husbands support you can get through insurance and what you are willing to pay too. Also, there are day programs often pro-rated base don need where your husband can socialize, sometimes find other people with the same illness and have a meal or snack and you know he's safe and connected. If your husband refuses to consider, talk to the director about just having him come for lunch one day and see if she can introduce him to other people who are younger like him and perhaps compatible. That may change his views. 2.) Get outside and exercise every day-rain or shine. Even a 10 minute walk can lift me up or even just bringing my weights to the patio-whatever. 3.) Join a support group. If you don't want in person-try online ones. You get plenty of ideas about resources, ways to cope, etc. Use an anonymous name so if your husband goes looking for support he doesn't see you on there venting. 4.) People will roll their eyes, but consider a gratitude journal. Even in my most challenging times (husband had life threatening episode, mom had angry aggressive dementia and I was primary target, and much more) I could always find things that were going right-from a helpful nurse to an appointment that happened ON TIME, to smile from a stranger or a walk on a beautiful day. It helps to shift your focus to those things. 5.) Shift your thinking to survival and release guilt. I let go of guilt declining things and setting more boundaries because I knew I would be useless for my kids/spouse/parents/self if I fell apart. 6.) Even after I outsourced more for mom, I kept my reduced work schedule and realized we would be fine with the reduced pay longer term. I didn't tell mom that because she would declare the time hers. 7.) Eat as healthy as possible. Getting proper nutrition and not having much sugar makes it easier to cope. It's a marathon not a sprint and you need the right fuel. |
Anonymous
| Sixty here - all of the above, but rather than getting Parkinsons, my wife left and immediately fell into someone else’s arms. For 20 years i’ve been 100% about family and work (to support us), and now I’m staring at DCUM with no local social network, post-covid full time wfh, a big imminent settlement payment, some annoying age related health issues, and only nothingness on the horizon (while new guy looks forward to a joyful, financially flush retirement adventure with my wife). Shoot me now. |
Anonymous
That's terrible. Can you find something you enjoy doing and start building community around that? I know it's simplistic, but having somewhere to go and faces to see regularly might help. |
Anonymous
| OP, I'm sorry for your DH's diagnosis. What a blow. Allow yourself to feel whatever comes up. |
Anonymous
Gosh that’s a lot. I am sorry. Can you add in any self care/outdoor walks/yoga/a shoulder to cry on friend chat? I’m at same age, have lost both parents but have elderly steps with health issues who call to vent, a brother with severe mental health issues/housing/employment, I hear you. I’m rooting for us all to maintain health and calm (and grace) in these storms. Following for advice too |
Anonymous
| That's alot. TBH I would probably be struggling in your shoes too. |