Help! Wife thinks I am cheating, but I am not...

[Anonymous]

My wife does not trust me. She has always had trust issues (with me). We have been married for almost 12 year. She is a stay at home parent, and I have a demanding but (for me) very fulfilling career. The way she would deal with her trust issues is call me multiple times a day (10-15 sometimes)....I recently started working at a new site where 1) she can not visit, 2) I can not carry electronic devices, and 3) I have no privacy. This is completely freaking her out. She is convinced that I am now having an affair. Funny thing is her actions are driving a wedge between us, but I will not cheat. (I might leave her, except I love our DD too much).

She tried to find me a few days ago (tracked my phone to see were I was...phone was in the car), but security would not let her in.

I have suggested counseling....we went for a while years ago...after to joint sessions the counselor wanted to see us alone...At the first session with me, he said he would call me when he wants to see us again. After about 4 weeks, Wife found out I was not going, and she stopped going.

I am not sure what to do to get her trust issues.

[Anonymous]

The usual solution is "complete transparency". She has to have access to all your (where permitted by employer) email, phone, credit card records, etc.

Maybe you should call her at preset times each day.

As for counseling. Just because the therapist said he would call you, and didn't, doesn't give you an excuse to drop the ball. It is YOUR responsibility to manage your marriage. If the counselor didn't call you, pick up the phone.

Restart counseling and this time be aggressive about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The usual solution is "complete transparency". She has to have access to all your (where permitted by employer) email, phone, credit card records, etc.

Maybe you should call her at preset times each day.

As for counseling. Just because the therapist said he would call you, and didn't, doesn't give you an excuse to drop the ball. It is YOUR responsibility to manage your marriage. If the counselor didn't call you, pick up the phone.

Restart counseling and this time be aggressive about it.

But isn't this the solution when a spouse has in fact transgressed? In which case a lack of trust from the partner is understandable. But it doesn't seem fair to put the burden of DW's trust issues on the husband if he hasn't done anything to deserve them. Not that he shouldn't do what he can to help her because he cares and because his own actions are the only think he actually has control over. But I do think it is the wife in this situation who needs to counseling to deal with her issue. At least if the situation is truly as described.

[Anonymous]

Op here: counselor did not want to see me; he would get us together for joint sessions when appropriate.

I think I am paying for the sins of a bast bf of hers.

[Anonymous]

Oh, and access to work email is not acceptable.

[Anonymous]

Have you done something to make her think she can't trust you? It doesn't have to be cheating....there are a lot of things that men can do that are not exactly cheating, but would cause a wife to be concerned.

What do you do when you get off from work? Do you come straight home or do you go hang out?

Do you have a lot of female friends?

Are there any women calling your house or your cell phone?

How much time do you spend talking to your wife...just talking about fun stuff?

Do you take your wife on dates, or just have alone time?

Do you give off the impression that your career is more important than your family?

Do you watch pornography?

[Anonymous]

Your mistake has been putting up with her failure to undergo treatment for a severe mental health issue. There is no way you should be paying for the sins of an ex more than 12 years ago. It is ultimatum time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you done something to make her think she can't trust you? It doesn't have to be cheating....there are a lot of things that men can do that are not exactly cheating, but would cause a wife to be concerned.

What do you do when you get off from work? Do you come straight home or do you go hang out?

Do you have a lot of female friends?

Are there any women calling your house or your cell phone?

How much time do you spend talking to your wife...just talking about fun stuff?

Do you take your wife on dates, or just have alone time?

Do you give off the impression that your career is more important than your family?

Do you watch pornography?

Wait, this is all screwed up. Your logic is "what has he done to make her not trust him?" That sounds like blaming the victim.

As for the person who said the answer is complete transparency, I think that is wrong, too. If he is deserving of trust, the answer is for her to learn to trust him. A relationship without trust can't work. It's unhealthy, it's demeaning, and it caters to an emotional problem instead of addressing it.

[Anonymous]

Clearly the therapist separated you two because he wanted to work with her one-on-one, since he was only doing sessions with her.


I think that says a lot. She needs to get back into counseling. I suggest that the two of you go individually, even if you are only getting support on how to cope. If she can't accept that she is the one who needs it, at least this will maintain an appearance of equality that she can accept. You might be wasting some time and money, but it's better than wasting a marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Wait, this is all screwed up. Your logic is "what has he done to make her not trust him?" That sounds like blaming the victim.

How do you know that she is not the "victim"? He could be doing all sorts of things and not even recognizing it, or just leaving that part out.

I had an ex who would always paint me as crazy to other people. He would often leave out relevant details...like what he did to cause my reactions.

Ex:

She doesn't trust me and she always thinks I am doing something on the internet.

(Part left out)- He used my computer to look at porn and create profiles on adultfriendfinder type sites

She just started yelling at me. She's so cranky.

(Part left out)- I yelled because he insulted my grandmother and called her stupid.

She never wants to visit my mother.

(Part left out)- His mother had schizophrenia and would yell and throw things at people she didn't recognize. There were few people that she recognized on a regular basis.

It's not even about being a "victim". It's about has he done something that would warrant her to behave in that fashion.

[aprilmayjune]

To me, it really sounds like a security issue.. how long has she been thinking that you were cheating? Because she obviously hasn't left yet, so either way it looks like she has low self esteem, and I agree that counseling sounds like the way to go here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Clearly the therapist separated you two because he wanted to work with her one-on-one, since he was only doing sessions with her.


I think that says a lot. She needs to get back into counseling. I suggest that the two of you go individually, even if you are only getting support on how to cope. If she can't accept that she is the one who needs it, at least this will maintain an appearance of equality that she can accept. You might be wasting some time and money, but it's better than wasting a marriage.

I agree with this.

[Anonymous]

OP here: The trust issues date back to when we first started dating (in retrospect). After we had been together for about three months, she came to my house, and noted something indicating I having a physical relationship (wrapper on the night stand)....only it was from the last time she was over....

Things got really bad after my bachelor party...PG rated...biggest issue was I staggered in drunk at three in the morning...she wanted me home at 10:00

I rarely go out with friends...perhaps once or twice a year. So I really do not thing it is anything I did...

One issue is I have a demanding and successful career, which she resents...this is not something I am willing to give up -- I spent 9 years in graduate school to do what I am doing now, and changing to a less demanding career would reduce my salary by 50%.

[Anonymous]

I think i recall a similar thread, where the advice was, 'overwhelm the spouse with information -where you're at, what you're doing, etc. and eventually she'll get sick of it and ask you to stop.' I kind of like this approach, especially for a guy, because a lot of times men don't realize that they are just plain not communicating. Women have a different expectation of communication (do you ever see two women sitting together quietly?) and it looks like she isn't understanding that you aren't the type to always communicate. It's not healthy for her to expect that, but on the other hand, you also want to make sure that you're not on different pages and sending the wrong signal.

Seems easier to do this WHILE she is in therapy, than to just wait for therapy to help her. I don't think most folks realize that therapy can take years to help someone.

And if you have one of those 'top secret can't say anything' jobs, you can give her some basic information that will allow you to talk about your work without divulging information. Like, 'boss asked me to do this big project, then this other guy was trying to do my job for me, blablabla...' you know, basic office day-to-day stuff that will help her feel connected to your life.

[Anonymous]

I read a couple of the 'abusive husband' threads, and it didn't seem there were many posts asking the woman what she was doing wrong. Indeed, sob stories from wives are usually taken 100% at face value.