Eldercare so much harder when parents aging at the same time

[Anonymous]

This feels cruel, but I'm jealous of my spouse and friends who lost one parent a decade before the other. Eldercare is so much easier when the person's spouse is still cognitively available and has executive function abilities.

My Dad has a significant degenerative disease and the fact that my mom is "in charge" but has low executive function makes everything EXPONENTIALLY more complicated. My Dad sits at home all day because my mom has bad ADHD, doesn't like keeping a schedule, doesn't like making phone calls, can't/won't keep a calendar, spends 8+ hours on her phone everyday, and deals with his condition by "not anticipating" (as if that's a demonstration of a healthy, non-anxious mindset).

My dad deserves so much better. But he's devoted to my mom and never questions her. He's fallen, mistakenly cut himself, and grown deeply depressed. He's an extrovert unlike my mom and needs so much more stimulation than he gets. This isn't going to end well and it's so hard to watch a train wreck unfold in slow motion.

(Thank you for letting me vent, internet strangers).

[Anonymous]

I understand what you were saying because my father had Parkinson’s and for a while my mom had early dementia and it was kind of a nightmare. But I think you need to show more kindness towards your mother. She is elderly as well. You’re expecting her to operate on a higher level of functioning then I think is fair, if you want to have more and more outings and more attention, you need to spend more time at the house yourself. Or arrange for caregivers. Or call up their friends and encourage their friends to come over and visit. Instead, you were blaming your mother. And your mother is also elderly .

[Anonymous]

That's very similar to our situation.

None of us live near where they live (it's cost prohibitive). So spending time here ourselves is a big ask. We've all been trying -- but being here is so upsetting as our suggestions or attempt to set them up better falls on deaf ears / is out right refused.

She won't let us hire caregivers. They can afford it, I found someone she actually really likes, she just doesn't like being around people so she doesn't let them come.

They don't have any friends left unfortunately (deaths and own significant health problems).

I am blaming her. She is old and deserves care and empathy herself. But she's put herself into a "CEO"-like position that she doesn't have the temperament for and is even worse in her own compromised state.

She can't plan systematically and refuses the help of those who still can (by being less impacted by age, having the natural temperament for it, or by way of prof background).

[Anonymous]

This was us. Dad with cancer and mom with dementia. She probably needed a facility and he probably needed a residential hospice but they insisted on staying alone in their rickety old house. We all spent a fortune on plane tickets, going in to look after them. We signed them up for home health aides who they refused to let in the house, etc.

After he died, we were able to get my mom into assisted living and will shortly have to move her to a skilled nursing facility - but at least she is nearer to us and we don't have to buy plane tickets anymore and there is only one to look after.

Yes, two parents with health issues is definitely a double whammy.

[Anonymous]

Mom has dementia, dad Parkinson’s and mil in wheelchair and lost sight in one eye. Low vision in the other. Fun times!

[Anonymous]

We had "the well parent" die first. Totally unexpected.

[Anonymous]

I hear you, OP! My healthy-ish father was my mom's caregiver, but then had a massive stroke. Now they are both incapacitated but in different ways, and my mom isn't getting the attention or care she needs, because my dad is basically out of it.

We try to manage it from a distance, but it's impossible. They cancel in-home health appointments when they get reminder calls ("what is this for? who are you?" - we're changing the phone numbers at this point!). My dad tried to order an Uber for himself and gave both the wrong pickup address AND they delivered him to the wrong address.

It's a struggle!

[Anonymous]

OP, I hear you! I posted similarly about my parents on this forum the last few years. Dad had Parkinsons, Mom had siginficant denial and 2 years ago he fell on her and she broke her hip, which she never regained good mobility from.

Dad passed in April, and in the last year or so, I'd say I kind of...just took the lead. Not in hands on care although I did assist (I work fulltime, commute 2 hrs a day and have an sn 9yo) but in things like calling providers, arranging services, going to appts on my days off. It was a LOT and I didn't realize how much until he passed away. It's still a lot-I'm even writing the 'script' or plan for his interment later this month!

Anyhow OP, taking the lead as much as I could helped get Dad at least some needed help/services. At least I know I did all I could, and in the end he did pass away of natural causes with us his family at his side. It's really hard to watch it play out though like you said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand what you were saying because my father had Parkinson’s and for a while my mom had early dementia and it was kind of a nightmare. But I think you need to show more kindness towards your mother. She is elderly as well. You’re expecting her to operate on a higher level of functioning then I think is fair, if you want to have more and more outings and more attention, you need to spend more time at the house yourself. Or arrange for caregivers. Or call up their friends and encourage their friends to come over and visit. Instead, you were blaming your mother. And your mother is also elderly .

Yes, it's all OP's fault and responsibility. The reality is, my friend, the elderly often choose this and there's not a damn thing you can do to change it.

[Anonymous]

Can SO relate. After years of trying to get my parents to understand what it's like to be so far from people who can help, we are now at the point where my Dad died last year and my mom went to assisted living in pretty bad shape. She then broke her knee and couldn't go back there and is in another assisted living. Despite me STILL offering to move her back East, she's too afraid and stubborn to fly on a plane for four hours.

I don't have guilt anymore and frankly, my little old dog comes first now. She's unhappy in the new place (lonely) so perhaps now, she'll change her mind. I'm willing to fly out there and bring her back on a first class ticket with me and handle everything else re: assisted living here where there is SO much family for her.

Martyrs will be martyrs. Don't fall in that pit.

[Anonymous]

I think the title should be "Eldercare is so much harder when your parents are stubborn and did not plan well." My parents did plan financially, but buried their head in the sand about things like downsizing, looking into continued care, etc. They knew how bad things could be because their siblings tired to tell them as their siblings came ill dealing with my impossible grandparents. My parents just went into denial and called their siblings "dramatic." It has been a nightmare over the years and of my friends who had considerate, empathetic and realistic parents, the only heartbreak was when the parent passed. Visits could be enjoyed because their parents willingly found appropriate settings and accepted care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hear you, OP! My healthy-ish father was my mom's caregiver, but then had a massive stroke. Now they are both incapacitated but in different ways, and my mom isn't getting the attention or care she needs, because my dad is basically out of it.

We try to manage it from a distance, but it's impossible. They cancel in-home health appointments when they get reminder calls ("what is this for? who are you?" - we're changing the phone numbers at this point!). My dad tried to order an Uber for himself and gave both the wrong pickup address AND they delivered him to the wrong address.

It's a struggle!

There is an app called Go Go Grandma I think that you can use to order transport that can help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the title should be "Eldercare is so much harder when your parents are stubborn and did not plan well." My parents did plan financially, but buried their head in the sand about things like downsizing, looking into continued care, etc. They knew how bad things could be because their siblings tired to tell them as their siblings came ill dealing with my impossible grandparents. My parents just went into denial and called their siblings "dramatic." It has been a nightmare over the years and of my friends who had considerate, empathetic and realistic parents, the only heartbreak was when the parent passed. Visits could be enjoyed because their parents willingly found appropriate settings and accepted care.

I hear ya!