How to help wife with her hurt feelings

[Anonymous]

My wife is the sole functional child among her siblings. As a result, for the last 10years, her parents spend all of their money and most of their time on my SILs. This causes my wife a lot of pain which she occasionally takes out on me and our kids but more often than not results in periods of general irritability and unhappiness.

We are entering one of those periods now as my in-laws have decided to go to the graduation ceremony for one of the SIL’s kids instead my oldest’s graduation.

I personally understand my in-laws decision as they have a much deeper relationship with those grandchildren than ours and since my family is coming to our graduation we will already have a lot of people coming whereas my SIL won’t have many.

My wife feels like she has lost a popularity contest and is getting quite upset. Does anyone have any advice for me. (I’ve suggested counseling but that seems to make her more upset)

[Anonymous]

My mom is like this. She just has to accept that her mom feels like you guys have it together and don’t need her. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you, though I know it feels that way.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, stop enabling your wife to be mean to you and your children due to her feelings towards her parents and help her get the therapy it sounds like she desperately needs.

Taking out anger on your spouse and kids and periods of great irritability doesn’t sound that functional to me, really. She’s found ways to cope that are probably more acceptable to those in her life, but this doesn’t sound healthy at all, for her or your kids. Needing to tiptoe around mom for a month because grandma went to cousin Jane’s grad instead of yours is no way to live.

Support her in finding some help, setting boundaries, and seeking closure if needed / warranted. Help your kids do the same, but due to your wife, not due to their grandparents.

[Anonymous]

Validate that its ok for her to be sad and disappointed yet again by her family of origin. And then remind her that you love her, your family does and while its not the same, she is in a place where people care about her so clearly she deserves it. And her familys treatment of her is not a reflection of her and there is nothing she can do to fix it so you would like to help her focus on what she does have in her life thats positive.

[Anonymous]

She doesn't sound functional to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, stop enabling your wife to be mean to you and your children due to her feelings towards her parents and help her get the therapy it sounds like she desperately needs.

Taking out anger on your spouse and kids and periods of great irritability doesn’t sound that functional to me, really. She’s found ways to cope that are probably more acceptable to those in her life, but this doesn’t sound healthy at all, for her or your kids. Needing to tiptoe around mom for a month because grandma went to cousin Jane’s grad instead of yours is no way to live.

Support her in finding some help, setting boundaries, and seeking closure if needed / warranted. Help your kids do the same, but due to your wife, not due to their grandparents.

+1 She might also consider medication for what sounds like depression. In any case, how she treats you and your kids is unacceptable and unjustifiable. That you accommodate and tolerate it is just as toxic.

[Anonymous]

You walk the line between supporting that it is a difficult situation while also setting boundaries in how she is treating you and the kids. It’s okay to be upset, it not okay to take it out on you and the kids and diminish what should be a joyous occasion of your oldest graduating. Your wife can’t control her parents decision. There is a fundamental parenting mindset of what is fair - is it concentrating time and money on the kid that “needs the most” (not a special needs situation) or trying to roughly help or not help all your kids equally even if it looks a little different for each kid. DW isn’t going to change the mindset of her parents, all she can do is be different for your own kids in what she feels is the way to handle things and figure out how to let go of the resentment that will only poison her joy.

The only thing I will add is that in showing support don’t gloat about your family and listen and don’t criticize her family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She doesn't sound functional to me.

Agreed.
She can feel upset and disappointed.

She doesn't get to take it out on you and the kids and blame her parents for it. That's highly dysfunctional. She's spoiling ( yet again) what should be happy occasion. Your DC should be celebrating and having a great time not worrying about mommy's tantrums.

I mean your kid is at least 18 years old which means your wife has had 18 + years of knowing how things are. She's actively chosen not to find a different coping mechanism..

She's avoiding therapy because she knows she'd have to face up to her own crap and not blame her parents for everything.

So yeah you can show empathy but don't allow her to be emotionally abusive to you and the kids anymore.