3.5 yo tantrums

[Anonymous]

My 3.5 year old throws epic tantrums. He will scream for sometimes an hour straight if he doesn’t get his way for something. We have tried getting down on his level and talking to him, giving hugs, explaining we won’t engage until he calms down but nothing seems to work.

I am struggling and looking for suggestions on how to deal with strong willed little boys and their tantrums. Please be kind.

[Anonymous]

My suggestion is Janet Lansbury. This is the age where she really knows her stuff. Let him fully feel his feelings at non-tantrum times, sincerely welcome the tantrums (hard to do but she explains how to accomplish it), hold boundaries instead of punishing, and make sure he has a lot of opportunity for independent/physical exploration.

[Anonymous]

What’s his language like?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What’s his language like?

He’s pretty expressive and articulate. Definitely on par with a typical 3.5 year old’s language skills.

[Anonymous]

What happens if you say nothing and leave the room? Will he cry longer or shorter duration than if you were with him?

[Anonymous]

Does he go to daycare or preschool and does he have Tantrums like this there?

I would consider talking to your pediatrician, only bc of the length of the tantrums. I know this age is tough one but this stuck out to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What happens if you say nothing and leave the room? Will he cry longer or shorter duration than if you were with him?

Pretty much the same duration. He’ll also run out of his room if we leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does he go to daycare or preschool and does he have Tantrums like this there?

I would consider talking to your pediatrician, only bc of the length of the tantrums. I know this age is tough one but this stuck out to me.

He goes to preschool and does not behave like this there

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happens if you say nothing and leave the room? Will he cry longer or shorter duration than if you were with him?

Pretty much the same duration. He’ll also run out of his room if we leave.

What do you do if he runs out?

[Anonymous]

One hour tantrums are not typical. I would consider getting assessed by a developmental pediatrician or psychologist. It's not something to be afraid of. He and you need support, and an assessment can point you in the right direction.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think that’s typical. The duration is saying something is wrong and you should start by asking your pediatrician and/or his school/daycare for referrals.

[Anonymous]

I have an almost 4 year old son that is like this. It is SO hard, so I get it. I will say I think he is maybe getting slightly better so there is hope.

You will have to ask yourself: is he going on tantruming because he has lost control and can't stop, or is he doing it to be strong willed? Figure out what helps him calm down. He might not be ready to do his calm down routine at the time you want him to but know how to help him get off the ramp when he is ready. It could be a hug, or it could be the really weird routine my son does.

Leaving the room also did not work for us. He would follow me out and nothing could ever keep him in his room (trust me, I tried everything). What works better for my son is for me to sit in his room with my back to the door so that he cannot get out. I won't really engage with him while he is in full tantrum mode. He screams and kicks and thrashes about. If he kicks or hits me, I pin down his arms/legs, which he hates. After several iterations of this, there is usually either a lull and I offer him his off ramp. Sometimes he chooses to take it and calm down, other times he gets angrier and we repeat the dance until he lulls again and I offer the off ramp. Just don't take it personally. Once tantrum does end, go back to normal and don't hold a grudge against him. There is nothing wrong with him and nothing wrong with you. Your job is to set the boundaries for him and it's his right to react.

[Anonymous]

Also adding, I don't think long tantrums are by themselves a worrisome sign, but you as the parent would know better whether there are other red flags. If he is acting normally otherwise, I think you just have a strong willed/explosive personality on your hands. There are things you can do to try to minimize the tantrums: set expectations before hand, give choices, distract, give count down warnings of transitions, pick your battles and let most things go, and lots and lots of explaining to him when he is calm why rules are the way they are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My suggestion is Janet Lansbury. This is the age where she really knows her stuff. Let him fully feel his feelings at non-tantrum times, sincerely welcome the tantrums (hard to do but she explains how to accomplish it), hold boundaries instead of punishing, and make sure he has a lot of opportunity for independent/physical exploration.

My suggestion would be anything but Janet Lansbury. I have a child like OP’s and having attempted to follow Lansbury’s advice ruined our lives for a while. She does NOT understand or have any useful advice for strong willed kids. She doesn’t even acknowledge the possibility that kids can cry for an hour; it’s just not in her universe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he go to daycare or preschool and does he have Tantrums like this there?

I would consider talking to your pediatrician, only bc of the length of the tantrums. I know this age is tough one but this stuck out to me.

He goes to preschool and does not behave like this there

Have you asked them what techniques they use for emotional management/classroom control? Sometimes modelling school techniques has helped me (although my kid has never had a tantrum an hour long so not quite the same situation).